Dancing on a Star Chapter 21
“Jack?” Jimmy spoke softly. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah,” I replied as I sat up in bed. I asked skeptically, “Why are you here?” He stepped further into the room and asked if it was okay to enter.
“Sure, I suppose,” I replied. I couldn’t understand why he had come to see me. He was the last person I thought would visit me.
He approached the bed and asked nervously, “How are you feeling?” He was trembling so badly that I thought he might fall.
“I’ve felt better,” I replied. I didn’t know how to react to his appearance. I didn’t know if I should yell at him and tell him to get out of the room. Afterall, he was the reason I was lying in a hospital bed. Because he and Tyler were chasing me, I ran in front of the van.
However, he looked scared. I’ve known Jimmy since we were small boys, and not once have I ever seen him cry. But the look on his face appeared like he might burst into tears at any moment. And he did. As I stared at him, tears welled up in his eyes and then started to fall down his face. He quickly wiped them away with his sleeve.
He mumbled, “Maybe I should go. I just wanted to see if you were okay.” He turned and headed toward the door.
“Don’t go!” I shouted out.
He closed the door and rushed over to the side of my bed. “Man, Jack!” he cried as he tearfully looked down at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to get hurt.”
I looked up at him and smiled slightly. My best friend was back.
“I’m okay, Jimmy,” I assured him. “Really.”
“No, you’re not,” he replied tearfully. “Look what I did to you! It’s all my fault. I didn’t know this would happen.” He walked over to a chair, sat down and buried his head in his hands and wept. I watched, but I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better.
He was right. It was his fault. But then again, I had to accept some of the blame. If I had been truthful with him about my sexuality, a lot of this could have been avoided. It would have meant that we would probably no longer have been friends, but maybe he would have accepted it and left me alone. He wouldn’t have visited me and seen Tracy dancing in his room. Tracy then would have just been another gay boy at school, like Jeff and me. But for some reason, seeing Tracy dancing in his room sparked a deep anger in Jimmy. Maybe Jimmy is a lot like my mother. He doesn’t care if someone is gay, he just doesn’t want them acting gay.
He looked up and said sorrowfully, “I haven’t slept at all since this happened. Every time I close my eyes, I see you bouncing off the hood of that car.” He wiped tears away with his sleeve. “I thought you were going to die.” He buried his head in his hands and continued to cry.
“The doctor says I’ll be alright,” I responded. “I broke a few things, but I should be okay in a couple of months.”
Jimmy rose and approached the bed. “If you need anything, Jack, I’ll be happy to help,” he volunteered. “I’m going to come over to you house every day and see if you need anything.”
I couldn’t believe what Jimmy was saying. I had never seen this side of him before. It was as if he cared about me. In the past, I just followed him around doing whatever he wanted to do. He is everything I’m not. He is self-assured and always in control. He’s not the best athlete, but he gives 110% to anything he does. And even though I suck at sports, he still made sure that I participated, even if I sat on the bench and watched.
I frowned and replied, “That may not be a good idea.”
He gave me a puzzled look and asked, “Why?”
“Tracy and Jeff may be there.”
“Yeah, right,” he replied as he thought about what I had said. I realized his next reaction would probably define if we could ever again be friends.
He smiled and said, “That’s okay.”
“You sure?” I asked. I wasn’t sure if he was just agreeing because he felt bad. Perhaps tomorrow, he might see things differently. Besides, I wasn’t sure if Tracy and Jeff would want to have anything to do with Jimmy after the way he had treated them recently. I was suspended five days because of him, and Tracy was attending in-school suspension because Jimmy had pelleted us with spitballs.
“I’ll get used to it,” he assured me. “I just want us to be friends again.”
“I was wrong,” he confessed. “I guess I got all creeped out when I saw Tracy dancing in his room. It was freaky.”
“He’s a ballet dancer,” I replied. “And he’s very good at it.”
“I wouldn’t know,” he said. “It just seems weird to me.”
“Maybe it’s not a good idea if you come around,” I suggested. For a minute, the old Jimmy was beginning to appear. He might be feeling guilty now, but tomorrow he would revert to his old self.
Tears welled up in his eyes. “No, Jack,” he insisted. “I’ll get used to it. Just give me some time.”
“You sure?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he smiled. “I’ll be okay.”
I started to grin. “You said you would help me out, right?” I asked.
“Anything,” he replied.
“I gotta pee.”
“Okay,” he said as he looked over at the counter by my bed. “Do you need a bed pan?”
“No,” I replied. “I need you to help me to the bathroom.” I knew what I was about to do would test the strength of our friendship, but I had to do it. I raised my body and twisted to the side of the bed. Jimmy gasped when he saw my arm and leg in casts.
“Wow!” he asked excitedly. “What happened?” I explained how I had broken my leg and arm in the accident. For a minute, I thought he was going to break down again. When I attempted to stand, he reached out and steadied me.
I pointed to the crutches nearby. “Hand me those.”
“Should we be doing this alone?” he asked worriedly as I placed the crutches under my arms.
“The doctor says it is okay as long as someone is with me.” I assured him. “Dad, Darren, Tracy and Jeff have helped me today.” He asked me who Darren was, and I told him I would explain later. I really did need to use the bathroom.
Once inside, he turned to leave, but I told him to wait. “You have to stay in case I lose my balance,” I explained. I then pulled the robe off me and stood naked in front of the toilet.
“Jack,” responded Jimmy nervously. “I don’t think I can do this.” He started to leave the room.
“Why?” I asked. “You’ve seen me undress when we change at the pool.”
“This is different,” he replied nervously. “You’re naked!”
I laughed loudly. “You said you wanted to help me, and right now I need help peeing.”
I watched as a thousand emotions swept across Jimmy’s face. He looked down several times at my soft dick. “Okay,” he finally said. “Go ahead and pee. I’ll just close my eyes.”
I giggled as I started to pee with Jimmy holding my arm tightly. I could tell he was nervous, but at least he didn’t walk out on me. He had passed the first test. Next, I was going to challenge his true friendship.
I finished peeing and stepped over before the sink. I wet a washrag and rubbed some soap into it. “I haven’t had a bath since I came in,” I remarked. “I need to clean myself.”
“Okay,” responded Jimmy as he kept his eyes turned away from me. “I’ll hold you while you do it.”
“I need you to help me,” I insisted.
“How?” he asked nervously. Now came the moment of truth.
“My right arm is broken, and I have trouble using my left hand.”
“Okay,” responded Jimmy skeptically. “What do you want me to do?”
I asked nervously, “Can you wash me?”
“Yes. Just wipe me down so I don’t stink,” I giggled.
“Right now?” Jimmy asked excitedly. “Why?”
“You said you wanted to help me,” I answered. “Are you going to wash me down or not?”
Jimmy’s eyes widened as he scanned my naked body. I wasn’t doing it to get a sexual thrill. Jimmy had never turned me on like Tracy or Jeff. I just wanted to test his friendship. If he could do this for me, then I knew we would be friends again.
“Okay,” he responded reluctantly as he took the wet washcloth from me. “But I’m not going to wash your nuts.” We both started laughing.
Jimmy actually did a thorough job. He lathered the washcloth again and then ran it over my chest and back. It surprised me when he knelt in front of me and wiped my legs and feet. His face was directly in front of my dick, and I could feel the blood begin to rush into it. Soon I was bone hard.
“I ain’t washing that,” he said as he handed me the washcloth. “If you want to jerk off, I’m not doing it for you.”
I laughed and took the cloth from him. “I don’t have to jerk off,” I said as I washed my lower area. It surprised me when Jimmy didn’t turn his head and continued to watch me.
“Then why do you have a fucking hard-on?”
“You would too,” I insisted, “If someone was washing your body.”
“Well,” he replied, “You ain’t getting a chance to do it.”
“Who said I wanted to?”
“You’re gay,” he replied. But he didn’t say it in a mean way. “Don’t all gay guys want to mess around with other guys?”
I laughed and replied, “Not if they are ugly like you.”
“I ain’t ugly,” responded Jimmy indignantly as he puffed out his chest. He was right, he isn’t ugly.
“You’re an idiot,” I laughed. Jimmy had passed the second test with flying colors. He had wiped my body as I stood naked before him. He had even made jokes when I got an erection in front of him. For a minute, I think he thought about taking the washrag and running it over my stiff dick. I considered testing him, but I figured he had already proven his friendship. I didn’t want to push him too far.
“Hand me my robe,” I said.
He draped it over my body, took my arm and carefully led me back to the bed. I looked up and appreciatively said, “Thanks, Jimmy.”
He laughed and replied. “It’s okay.” I big grin appeared on is face as he added, “I still ain’t going to clean your nuts.” We broke out laughing.
We spent the next few minutes talking about the accident. He kept talking about how badly he felt when he saw the van hit me, and I flew into the air and landed with a thud on the ground. “I thought you were dead,” he responded again as tears welled up in his eyes.
He then explained how he had called my father. The police arrived and he and Tyler were put in the backseat of a cruiser and questioned. They were later taken to the station, and their parents had to come get them. He said he didn’t think the police were going to do anything since they didn’t push me into the street. I had run in front of the van without looking.
“How’s Tyler?” I asked.
“He’s as tore up about it as I am,” replied Jimmy. “He held you until the ambulance arrived. He kept telling you not to die.” I could vaguely remember someone yelling at me as I lay on the ground. I think I kept losing consciousness, so I’m not sure what was real and what wasn’t. “Tyler wants to see you.”
“Yeah, sure,” I replied. “Tell him he can see me when I get home.”
“Hopefully, soon,” I replied. “The doctor says I can’t play basketball for a while.”
“You never could play basketball,” Jimmy said laughingly.
Just then, a nurse entered the room. Her eyes narrowed when she saw Jimmy.
“Visiting hours are over, Young Man,” she stated angrily. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“Yeah, sure thing,” responded Jimmy as he rose and walked over to the side of the bed. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jack.”
“Thanks, Jimmy,” I replied appreciatively. “I’m glad you came.”
“Me, too,” he said as he grinned down at me. He fisted me, turned and left the room.
I slept well. Since I was improving, the nurses weren’t coming into my room every hour waking me up. One nurse came in around three to check my vitals, but I fell back asleep when she left.
I was awakened around seven when my aide came in with the breakfast menu. I ordered scrambled eggs, pancakes, sausage and orange juice. At home, breakfast was usually a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk before school.
After the aide left, Dr. Vorhees and Dr. Butler entered. I was surprised to see them together. “How are you this morning, Jack?” Dr. Vorhees asked as he examined my leg and arm. “Are you experiencing any pain?”
“I’m feeling pretty good,” I responded as I sat up in bed. “Can I go home today?”
He smiled and told me he had a few more tests to take and then he would decide. He explained, “We can’t have you going home too soon and then having you come back in again because we missed something the first time.” After looking at my forehead, he left the room.
Dr. Butler stepped up to the side of the bed and smiled down. “How are you, Jack? I understand you had quite a few visitors yesterday.”
“Yeah,” I returned her smile. “The room was packed a few times.”
“Did you see Jeff again?”
“Yeah,” I explained. “He was here most of the day.”
“And your mother?”
“She held my hand a couple of times,” I replied.
“Did she say anything?”
“Not really,” I said. “But I guess it’s a start.”
She smiled and ran her hand over my head. “Give her some time, Jack. She’ll come around. She’s not a bad mother.”
“I guess not,” I replied.
Thinking back over yesterday, she did seem to try to show me she cared. At first her attitude was cold. But as the day went on, she seemed to react more positively. Maybe she felt guilty because everyone else seemed so concerned about me. Tracy and Jeff’s mothers cried when they came into the room. Dad said Mom has maternal instincts. Maybe she is beginning to realize that she wasn’t being a good mother.
“I heard you had another visitor late last night.” She was looking down and reading my chart. “The nurse noted she had to make a young man leave after ten.” She looked up and asked, “Was that Jeff?”
“No, Ma’am,” I responded. “It was Jimmy.”
A puzzled look appeared on her face. “Jimmy? We haven’t discussed a Jimmy.”
“He used to be my best friend,” I explained.
“Used to be? What happened?”
I replied, “He dropped me as a friend when he found out I was gay.”
“Then why did he visit you so late last night?” I explained to her that he had come by to apologize to me.
“He’s the reason I’m here.” I then told her about the incident at school, and how he and Taylor later that day chased me, causing me to run into the street and get hit by the van.
We then spent several minutes talking about Jimmy. She wanted to know how long we had been friends and what activities we like to do together. It surprised me when she asked if we were sexually involved.
“God, no!” I gasped. “Jimmy’s straight!”
She asked, “Do you think he would try to hurt you again?”
“I don’t think so,” I assured her. Then embarrassedly, I explained how I had tested him last night, and he had passed with flying colors.
She smiled and replied, “You’re a very clever boy, Jack.” She patted my hand and assured me that I was going to be okay. She again explained how I had a very strong support system with a loving family and loyal friends.
I frowned and responded sadly, “I don’t think my mother loves me anymore.”
Dr. Butler replied, “She may not be the mother you’ve known for the past sixteen years, but she still loves you. Things are just different now. This happens a lot when children grow up. Mothers find it hard to let go. It would have happened if you would have been straight.” She smiled and added, “She probably wouldn’t have liked any girlfriend you brought home, either.”
I laughed and said, “Probably not.”
She reached in her pocket and handed me a business card. “You will probably be going home later today or tomorrow. I may not get a chance to see you again. If you need someone to talk to, give me a call. I’ll be here for you.”
“Thanks,” I said appreciatively. “You’ve helped a lot.”
“I didn’t do much,” she replied. “I think you’ve already figured most things out on your own.” She patted my hand again. “You’re a lucky boy.”
Before leaving, she turned and said, “Now, figure out how you feel about Jeff.” She smiled, waved and left the room.
Figure out how I feel about Jeff. How do I feel about Jeff? I still think I’m too young to be involved in a relationship. I don’t mean that I think sixteen is too young, but I don’t think it is right for me. Afterall, I just came out last week. Things are moving around me too fast. I want things to go slower. At least being alone in a hospital bed is giving me time to think about things.
Jeff and I have only been talking for a week. I suppose I never thought about him. He was just a boy who went to our school- a boy we avoided. However, he admitted he had been secretly admiring me for several years. I don’t know why, though. Most of the boys at school are probably cuter than me. Even though I jokingly told Jimmy he is ugly, I’ve always found him attractive. Brian and Tyler are much cuter than me. At school, I usually stand in the background as girls flirt with them. They will glance at me, but very seldomly do they approach me.
I don’t think I’m ugly. At least, no one has ever said that to me. I’m just plain old Jack. So, I find it overwhelming that Jeff and Tracy are attracted to me. They could have any gay boy they want. But then I think, I’m the only gay boy they know, so I suppose that is why they like me. If our school was filled with gay boys, then I would probably be treated like girls see me now. I would remain in the background.
I guess that is what is bothering me the most. Does Jeff say he is in love with me because I’m the only gay boy available? Of course, there is Tracy, but I can’t see them as boyfriends. They are too much alike. I know this doesn’t sound right, but they are both too girlish. Even when we have had sex together, I can tell that they find it awkward.
I know this is stupid to think, and I guess I should have discussed it with Dr. Butler. But I wonder if there are boy roles and girl roles? I’ve noticed when gay couples are on television, one always seems more feminine than the other. Even some of the lesbian couples I’ve seen, one always appears a little more boyish than the other. So maybe that is why I can’t see Jeff and Tracy in a relationship.
But then, if that is the case, and I do date Jeff, am I expected to act the boy and Jeff is the girl? This is really getting confusing. Maybe that is why I’m having trouble figuring out if I want to be involved in a relationship with Jeff. Do I find him too girlish? I really don’t have any experience in this. Tracy and Jeff are the only gay boys I know, so I have nothing to compare it to.
Then I think that this is a stupid thought. If you really love someone, does it matter what they are like on the outside? It’s the inside that is important, right? So, what if Jeff is girlish. I shouldn’t disqualify him for that. He says he loves me, and I believe him. I could tell since the accident, that he means what he says. Tears fall down his cheeks when he says he was afraid that I was dead.
So, what do I do? I don’t know. I’m more confused than ever. I thought coming out would be the hard part. But now, I’m beginning to think that having a boyfriend may be a bigger challenge.