I rolled over with my back to Ricky. “I’m gay, Matt.” How was I supposed to respond? I had known for days he is gay. He wouldn’t have kissed me if he wasn't. But now, he just came out to me, and I don’t know how to react. I just thought it was something we would never talk about, but he changed that.
He rolled on his side facing me. I could feel his breath on my neck. “Did you hear me, Matt?” he whispered softly.
I nodded my head and replied, “Yeah, I heard you.”
“And?”
I rolled over and faced him. His eyes were wet with tears. “And what?” I asked. “What do you want me to say?”
He smiled slightly and replied, “I was hoping you would say it’s okay, and that we are still friends.”
“Is that why you kissed me?”
He frowned and looked away. “It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“But why did you?”
He looked into my face. “I don’t know. When we got to wrestling around, I looked into your eyes and suddenly wanted to kiss you. I guess I wanted to show you how I feel about you.”
“Are you in love with me?”
“No,” he replied. “At least I don’t think I am like the way you’re thinking.” He rolled on his back and sat up against the bed. “I mean, we’ve been so close for so long.” He looked down and smiled. “We’re like the closest brothers ever.” I smiled and nodded.
“I started thinking last year that I might be gay,” he continued softly. “I wanted to talk to you about it, but I was afraid I’d lose you.” I repositioned myself and sat beside him.
“You could have,” I assured him.
“But you started dating Stephanie, and I thought you wouldn’t understand,” he said.
I replied, “I think I would understand more than you think.”
Ricky gave me a puzzled look and asked, “What does that mean?”
My face reddened as I replied, “I dunno.” I didn’t want to confess to him that I had been feeling the same way the past couple of days.
He stared into my face, “You’re not gay too, are you Matt?”
“No,” I replied. “I don’t think so.”
“What’s that mean? You don’t think so?”
I rested my head against the wall and sighed. “I don’t know. After you kissed me the other night, I got to thinking.”
“Thinking about what?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I dunno.” My face reddened deeper. “I thought maybe I liked it.”
Ricky asked excitedly, “You did!”
I sighed again before answering. I knew I shouldn’t be telling Ricky how I felt, but I needed to talk to someone, and I trusted him. “At first it made me mad,” I confessed. “But later I got to thinking about it, and it didn’t bother me so much. Then…”
“Then what?”
“Then I got to thinking why it didn’t bother me, and I thought that…”
“That you might be gay?”
Tears began to form in my eyes. “Maybe. I don’t know.” Ricky reached out and pulled me into a hug as I began to cry. My secret was now out.
“It’s okay,” he said soothingly as he pressed his head to my neck and gently kissed it. “There’s nothing wrong with us.”
“Tell that to my parents,” I cried. “They’ll hate me when they find out.”
“No, they won’t,” replied Ricky. “My parents were okay when I told them.”
I pulled away and looked Ricky in the face. “You told your parents?” I asked in astonishment. “When?”
“After I kissed you,” he replied. “I thought you would get upset and tell them what I did. I wanted them to hear it from me first.”
I said excitedly, “You told your parents you kissed me?”
“No,” he smiled. “I just told them I was gay. That way if you told them something happened, then it wouldn’t be a shock.”
“I would never have told them,” I assured him.
He reached out and took my hand. “So, what are we going to do now?”
“I dunno,” I replied. “I know I can’t tell my parents. They won’t understand like your mom and dad.”
“What about us?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
He stared into my face. “I’ve wanted to do stuff with you for so long. Do you know how hard it is to be around you all the time and not tell you how I feel about you?”
I shook my head. “I’ve given this some thought the past couple of days.”
“And?”
I looked down and realized that we were still holding hands. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “You’re like a brother to me. I love you,” I said, “but I’m not sure it can ever be anything more.”
He rested his head and sighed. “I was afraid you would say that.”
“But we can still be good friends.”
“Right,” he said sadly. “Good friends.” He lay back down on the bed. “We’d better get some sleep. It’s getting late.”
I could hear the sadness in his voice. He had just confessed that he loved me, but I rejected him. I still wanted us to be best friends, but now I had a feeling that I was losing him again. I lay down and pulled the sheet over me. He turned out the light, and we lay silently. I could hear his heavy breathing. I rolled over and turned away from him.
A minute later, he turned and lay beside me. I could feel his bare chest touching me lightly. “Matt?” he whispered softly.
“Yeah, Ricky?”
“Can we be friends with benefits?”
Even though I had a good idea what he was asking, I still wasn’t sure. “What’s that mean?”
He put his arm around me and started rubbing my chest. “I don’t know,” he replied nervously. “I just thought that we could just do stuff. You know?”
He rubbed my chest and breathed heavily into my neck. A couple of times he kissed it gently. “I…I…don’t know,” I said nervously. I knew where this was heading, but I didn’t have the will to make it stop. In fact, I didn’t want it to stop.
I gasped when Ricky reached down and grabbed me
“Ricky,” I said hoarsely, “We should stop.” However, I made no attempt to grab his hand or move away.
“It’s okay, Matt,” he said soothingly. “I would never hurt you.” He then asked, “Do you want me to stop?” When I didn’t answer, he pulled back the sheet.
When it was over, he asked, “Well, can we?”
“Can we what?” I asked breathlessly.
He giggled and said, “Be friends with benefits?”
I smiled and replied, “I like the benefits.”
“Good,” he said as he leaned in and gave me a quick kiss. This time I didn’t feel guilty.
We lay down and Ricky snuggled next to me. It felt good. After so many years of feeling alone, it felt nice to have someone’s body pressing against mine. I didn’t think that what we did was wrong. It was something we both wanted, and I didn’t feel like Ricky forced me into doing it. In fact, I don’t think I could have stopped him once we started. I still don’t think I want Ricky as a boyfriend. But who knows? Maybe I’ll change my mind. Right now, I have too many other things to think about. Tonight a new door opened, and I wasn’t afraid of what was inside.
The alarm clock woke us up. Ricky was still spooned against my body. He felt warm. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay like this the rest of the day. Ricky rubbed the sleep from his eyes and gave me a quick kiss. “We better get up or we’ll be late for school.”
After taking separate showers, we sat on the bed holding hands. “Just think, Matt. We could have been doing this all along if we had just told each other we were gay.”
I replied, “I really didn’t know until last night.”
“Really?” he asked surprisedly. “You never knew?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess I never thought about it. You know how my parents are.” He nodded his head. “In fact, I never thought about sex at all.”
He gave me a puzzled look. “You never thought about having sex with Stephanie? I thought you guys were already doing it.”
“No,” I admitted. “We’ve never done anything but kiss a few times.”
He grinned and asked, “Who’s a better kisser? Me or her?”
I laughed and replied, “You are.” He smiled and leaned in and kissed me again.
Suddenly, Ricky’s father hollered up the stairs. “Boys, hurry up!”
We jumped from the bed. “We’d better get downstairs,” said Ricky. “Will you come over tonight?”
I shrugged my shoulders, “I dunno. Probably not. My parents will ground me for the way I acted last night.”
He gave me a worried look. “What did you do?”
“I’ll tell you later.” I gave him a quick kiss before heading out the door.
Ricky’s father was waiting for us at the bottom of the steps. He had a worried look on his face. “Ricky,” he ordered. “You go into the kitchen while Matt comes into the family room with me.”
“What’s wrong Dad?” asked Ricky.
He replied, “Matt’s father is waiting to see him.”
I said excitedly, “What! What’s he doing here?”
He replied, “He wants to talk to you.” He put his hand on my shoulder and led me toward the family room. When Ricky started to follow, his father asked him to go to the kitchen. He gave me a worried look before leaving.
My father was sitting on the sofa when I entered. He looked up and gave me a harsh look. I knew the look. I had seen it many times when I was about to get punished for something. I’m sure my outburst last night upset him and my mother. He rose and said angrily, “It’s about time you came down.” He pointed toward the door. “Go get in my car.”
“Why?” I asked. “I have to go to school.”
“You’re going nowhere,” he stated adamantly. “You’re going with me.”
“Now, Jeff,” said Mr. Fowles to my father. “Why don’t we sit down and talk about this.” He looked over and gave me a worried look.
“I don’t mean to be rude,” spat my father, “but this is a family matter. It doesn’t concern you.” He turned to me again and ordered, “Go get in the car.”
I walked out into the foyer. Ricky was peeking from the kitchen at me. “I’ll see you later,” I said as I opened the door and headed out to my father’s car. He came out a few minutes later. Mr. Fowles was talking to him, but my father seemed to be ignoring him.
As I was getting into my father’s car, I noticed several pieces of luggage in the back seat. I couldn’t figure out why they were there. Was my father going on a trip and taking me to school before he left? He got in and slammed the door shut. When we turned left at the intersection, I knew he wasn’t taking me to school.
“Where are we going?” I asked. I looked over and he had a cold and expressionless look on his face. I waited for an answer, but he ignored me.
We headed out of town. I was becoming more worried with each mile that passed. If we weren’t going to school or going home, then where were we going? He drove for about fifteen minutes until he came to a driveway that led to a large home in a wooded area. “Where are we?” I asked, but he again ignored me.
The home had a circular driveway that led to a front entrance with two large pillars. It reminded me of Southern homes I had seen in movies. He stopped and got out. He walked around to the back seat and pulled out two large suitcases and placed them on the ground. I got out and asked, “What is going on?”
He turned and scowled angrily at me. “Since you hate me and your mother so much, then maybe it is best that you find somewhere else to live for a while.”
“What! What are you doing, Dad?” I asked worriedly. I was becoming scared. He and Mom were going to get rid of me for the way I had acted the night before.
Just then, I looked at the double doors of the entrance to the home. Pastor Simpson came out, stood on the top stair and smiled as he looked down at me.
My father grabbed my shoulders and pushed me toward the stairs. “Here he is, Pastor Simpson,” he spat angrily. “See if you can do something with him.” Tears filled my eyes as my father got into the car and drove away.