I had fallen asleep for about an hour when there was a light knock on my door. I sat up and hollered, “Come on in.” I thought it was Kenny. After looking at the clock and noticing it was almost time for dinner, I figured he’d stopped by to eat since his mother was probably at work.
The door opened slowly and my little brother’s head appeared. “You’re not spanking your monkey, are you?” He started laughing and entered.
“Like you don’t,” I responded with a laugh. His face reddened. “I hear you at night when you think I’m asleep.”
I said Billy was my little brother. I should have said my little, big brother. After a tremendous growth spurt last year, he grew almost five inches. He is now fourteen and is 6’1”. In addition, he is as skinny as me. I weigh around 160 on a good day. He weighs about five pounds less. If he were a little older, we would look like identical twins. He still has a baby face and almost no body hair. Even his pubic hair is still rather sparse. I tease him about it constantly.
“Josh has more hair down there than you,” I kid him. Josh is our twelve-year-old brother. He is still the runt of our family. He’s only 4’8”. If he’s like the rest of the Barnes boys, he’ll get his growth spurt in another year or two.
There are six of us. Four boys and two girls. We have an older brother, Jimmy. He’s twenty and lives across town in an apartment with his girlfriend. We used to share a bedroom, but when he moved out Billy moved in. I wanted the room to myself, but when he complained that Josh snored too loudly at night, I relented. I don’t mind except he likes to jack off at night before he goes to sleep and it’s hard for me to fall asleep until he’s done rustling around in the bed. A few nights I have joined him, but we pretend we don’t notice.
We have two sisters. Marilou is a year older than Jimmy. She’s married and has an infant son, my nephew, Isaac. He’s really cute, but I guess everyone says that about kids in their family. He really is though. His hair is so blond it’s almost white. His eyes are a crystal blue. I keep a photo of him in my wallet because I’m so proud of him. I’m always showing it to someone. Girls especially like looking at it.
The youngest in our family is Brenda. She’s nine and spoiled rotten. Mom and Dad think the son rises and sets on her. Things I couldn’t have when I was younger, they will eagerly buy her. I had to wait until I was seven before I could have a bike. She had one when she was four. I love her, but sometimes she can be a real brat.
Billy walked over to the dresser and took out a pair of shorts. I watched as he removed the pants he had worn to school and threw them in the closet. He had runner legs like mine- long and thin. However, he was like Kenny, he lived baseball. When I didn’t show an interest in the sport, he recruited Billy. Kenny began teaching him to pitch when he was six.
He plays little league baseball. He’s a freshman at Northview, but he can’t play varsity baseball until next year. Since Kenny graduates this year, he will not get to play with him. Kenny has already groomed him to take his starting pitching position when he leaves. As he says, he can make things happen.
I tried to look away when he dropped his underwear, bent over to pick them up and then toss them inside the closet. I compared his ass to Adrian’s. There was none. Billy’s was narrow and bony, not meaty like Adrian’s.
Shit. Now I’m perving on my brother. I’ve seen him naked thousands of times. We walk around the room unashamedly in front of each other. I was probably the first person to see him pop a morning woody and we didn’t think a thing about it. Now I’m looking at his ass as he bends over and pulls up his underwear.
He turned and saw me. He pulled his underwear down a little and wiggled his ass. “Like what you see?” He giggled before walking across the hall to the bathroom.
What in the hell is going on with me? I’m starting to question things I’ve never thought about before.
I mean I’m nineteen, right? If I had been interested in guys, wouldn’t I have had these thoughts years ago? I have a girlfriend, for Christ’s sake. I mean we’ve never really done it, but I get a boner sometimes when we make out. Rachel has reached inside my pants and jacked me off a couple of times while she let me finger her pussy. That should mean something, right?
Kenny and I were jacking off to porn at thirteen when he found a Playboy magazine hidden in the bottom of his older brother’s dresser drawer. We used to masturbate on our knees looking at some woman’s pussy and then cum all over the picture exclaiming we were shooting our load deep inside her. That should mean something, right?
And I have to put my hands inside my pants and rearrange my growing cock when Kenny tells me how he and Alise ‘did it’ the night before at her house after her parents went to bed. That should mean something, right?
I’m straight, right? I’ve never thought about doing it with a guy before. Then why did I get this wave of emotion sweep over me whenever Adrian looked at me. Why does his killer smile really kill me? Why do I stare into his eyes and want to jump into his soul? Why did I get rock hard when he bent over and I saw his firm, round ass? Why did I want to rush over, push him to the floor and beg him to fuck me?
No. I didn’t just think that. I don’t want Adrian to fuck me. That’s… that’s… gay! I’m not gay, right?” I like girls. I’ve fingered Rachel while she had her hand around my cock. I’ve tossed my head back, moaned and shot my cum all over Miss September’s pussy. I’m not gay, right?
Then why did Adrian have such an effect on me? Why did my cock get hard when he rubbed his hand on my leg in the truck? Why did I want to lean down, unzip his pants and suck his dick? Why did I want to stop the truck, pull him out and strip him naked? Why did I want to see more of his body?
I’m not gay, right?
Billy stopped suddenly when he entered the room and saw me with my hands inside my shorts. I hadn’t even realized that I was almost ready to cum in my hand thinking about Adrian smiling up at me with the sun shining in his handsome face as I sat on the bleachers.
“Unnnggg!” I moaned as I closed my eyes and came inside my shorts. I opened them and saw Billy looking surprisingly down at me.
“Damn, Zac,” he muttered as he walked over and quickly closed the door. “You better be glad it was me that walked in and not Mom.”
My face reddened as I removed my hand from my shorts. It was covered in cum. Billy just stood staring astonishingly at me. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, him or me. When his eyes dropped to my shorts, I looked down and saw a wet stain on the front of them. He looked back into my face with his mouth wide open.
“Jesus, Zac!” he exclaimed. I rushed from the room, pushing him aside as I ran across the hall to the bathroom. I slammed the door and fell to the floor wrapping my arms around my legs.
“I’m not gay,” I insisted. “I’m not gay…I’m not gay…I’m not gay…”
Dinner was interesting. I kept my head down the entire meal, afraid to look over at Billy. Thankfully, everyone was home to eat so there was plenty of conversation going on. Dad tried to get me to talk a few times, but I would say something unintelligible and continue to eat.
I returned to my room and was doing homework on my bed. Every else was watching television in the family room. It must have been a comedy because I could hear them laughing occasionally.
I was going over a calculus problem when there was a knock at the door. “Come in,” I shouted and Kenny opened the door and walked in. He came over and threw himself across my bed.
“Watcha doing?” He picked up the book lying on the bed and examined it. “Ick, calculus.” He gave me a puzzled look. “You understand this shit? I could hardly pass algebra.”
“That’s cause you play baseball,” I smiled. “You’d be smarter if you ran track.” He reached out and hit me across the head.
“Funny, Mother Fucker,” he growled as I ducked so he wouldn’t hit me again. He quietly watched me work. He knew I didn‘t like to be disturbed when I was doing homework. When he got up and started pacing around the room, I sighed and closed my book.
He quickly sat down beside me. “All done?” He didn’t even wait for me to respond. He immediately began talking excitedly. “Well?”
“Today’s tryouts.” He raised his eyebrows. “What did you think?”
“I think you’re a bunch of dumb jocks who like to hit a little ball and chase it around a field.”
“Come on, Zac.” He was quickly becoming frustrated. “What did you think of Lewis?”
I started rearranging the books on my bed. I knew what Kenny was asking, but I had to be careful so that he didn’t become suspicious about how I was feeling.
“He was all right,” I muttered.
“All right!” Kenny exclaimed. “Just all right?”
“Okay,” I sighed. “He looked good.” I felt my face begin to blush when I realized the hidden meaning of my words.
Kenny leaned toward me. “But do you think we have chemistry? You know, like me and Coleman had last year.” He looked hopefully at me.
I got off the bed, walked over and looked out the window at the moon above. “Yeah,” I said. “You looked good together.” For some odd reason, the words hurt.
Kenny jumped off the bed and stood behind me. “That’s what I thought,” he said. “I just wanted to be sure I wasn’t being too optimistic.” He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it.
“This is going to be my year,” he said excitedly. “I can just feel it.”
“Yeah, sure,” I replied as I walked away and sat back down on the bed. “Your year.” Suddenly, I felt depressed. It may be Kenny’s year, but I wasn’t sure it was going to be mine.
I sat back down on the bed and opened my calculus book. Kenny sighed and then got up. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said as he walked to the door. I didn’t even look up as he left.
I was lying in the dark on my bed listening to my MP3 player. I was trying to shut my mind from the things I was feeling. I was almost asleep when a flash of light suddenly blinded me. Billy had entered the room and flipped on the light switch.
“Turn the fucking light off!” I shouted angrily. He flipped it off and then tiptoed across the room and turned on a small lamp on the dresser.
“Sorry, Zac,” he muttered softly. He walked over to this bed and sat down, staring at me. I rolled over with my back to him.
He asked softly, “You okay?” I turned the volume up on my MP3 player so I couldn’t hear him. A minute later, I felt the bed move as he sat down and put his hand on my shoulder. “Zac?”
I hunched my shoulder, forcing him to remove his hand. “Why wouldn’t I be all right?”
He reached down and removed the earphone plug. I sprang up and stared into his startled face. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I shouted.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he shouted back. “You’ve been acting weird all night.”
“Leave me alone,” I said as I took the earplug and placed it back in the Ipod. He pulled it out and then grabbed the player from my hand. I started to hit him, but I quickly withdrew my fist. We had never fought before. Both of us were surprised by my actions. I rolled over and tried to fight back the tears that were welling up in my eyes.
“Zac,” he said softly as he placed his hand once again on my shoulder. “You all right? You want to talk about it?”
“I told you nothing is wrong.” I grabbed the cover on my bed and pulled it over my head. “Just leave me alone.” He sat for a minute before letting out a sigh and then getting up.
“I know I’m young,” he said as he stood over me, “but if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” I listened as he removed his clothes, turned out the light and climbed into his bed.
For the first time in years, I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears that were falling silently down my cheek and onto my pillow.
I tried to avoid everyone when I went to school the next morning. I even pretended to oversleep so I wouldn’t have to give Kenny a ride. He tried to insist he would wait for me, but I was able to convince him to catch a ride with his mother so he wouldn’t be late too.
I was heading to the library after fourth period when Rachel walked up and took my arm. “Where you going?” She asked. “The cafeteria is this way.” She wrapped her arm around mine and began pulling me down the hall.
I stopped and turned toward her. “Look, Rachel,” I said. “I’ve got a ton of work to do, so I thought I’d get some of it done during lunch.” She gave me a quizzical look and then started leading me in the direction of the cafeteria.
“Nonsense,” she replied. “I’ve never known you not to have an assignment done.” She started to giggle. “You’re the only one who will finish a research paper within a few days after it’s been assigned. Everyone else waits until the day before to start on it.”
I stopped again. “Well, I’m not hungry,” I insisted.
She scanned my thin body. “Yes, you are,” she said as she pulled me away.
Kenny and Alise were sitting at our regular table when we walked up with our meals. I sat down and Rachel scooted next to me. Usually I enjoyed her being close to me, but for some reason I found her body pressing against mine irritating. When I moved away, she gave me a puzzled look. I noticed Alise give her a questioning look as well.
Kenny immediately started talking about baseball. Alise looked over and rolled her eyes. Rachel started giggling.
“What’s so funny?” Kenny asked.
“Nothing, Honey,” said Alise as she reached out and held his hand.
Kenny looked over at me. “Like I was saying, Zac, we’re going to win the state this year. I can feel it.”
I tried to force a smile. “I hope so.”
“So are you going to go by the gym with me to see the players’ roster?” He asked. “Coach Brunswick said he’d have it posted after school.”
“I don’t think so,” I replied apologetically. “I’d like to get some laps in.”
“That’s all you runners think about,” he quipped, “is running.”
“So,” I smiled. “All you baseball players think about are your balls.” Alise started laughing so hard she almost fell out of her chair.
We ate in silence for a few minutes. Finally, Rachel looked at us. “So what movie are we going to go see tomorrow?” Since tomorrow was Saturday, it was customary for us to double date and see a movie.
Kenny looked at Alise and moaned. “I know what you want to see.” She nodded her head as he turned to me. “She wants to see that new romance flick.”
“Oh,” squealed Rachel. “I heard it was good.”
Kenny looked at me and frowned. “We’re fucked.” When I started laughing, Rachel hit me lightly on my arm.
Rachel and Alise continued to talk about the movie. The more they talked, the more disinterested Kenny and I became. It sounded like the typical boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl and boy marries girl type of flick.
When I looked over at Kenny and frowned, I noticed him look over my shoulder and smile. He then raised his hand and waved at someone. I turned as Adrian was waving back.
“Is that Adrian Lewis?” Alise asked?
“Yeah,” Kenny replied. “He’s going to be my new catcher this year.” He looked over at me. “Ain’t he, Zac?” I shrugged my shoulder.
Alise looked back over at the table where Adrian was sitting. “He’s really cute,” she remarked.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kenny asked angrily.
“Nothing,” responded Alise. “I just think he’s a handsome guy.”
“That doesn’t sound right,” Kenny shot back.
“What doesn’t sound right?” Alise asked defensively.
“You finding him cute.” Kenny looked back over at Adrian. “He’s…well, you know.” He hesitated before saying, “Never mind.”
I looked across the table at Kenny and watched as Alise gave him an angry look. Just then, the bell rang and we got up. As we were leaving, I looked over at the table where Adrian was sitting. He smiled as he watched me leave the cafeteria with Rachel’s arm wrapped around mine.
I tried to delay going to my locker right after school. I knew Kenny would be waiting for me to go with him to the gym. I couldn’t understand why he was so worried. He knew he was guaranteed a spot on the team, but each year we would go through the same routine.
I hung around and talked to my teacher about an assignment. I made up an excuse that I didn’t understand a problem. We sat for about ten minutes while she explained it to me. After thanking her for her time, I headed to my locker. Not only was Kenny waiting for me, but Adrian was standing with him. They stopped talking when I approached.
Adrian smiled at me, but I tried to ignore him. I wanted to be careful that I didn’t repeat the eye contact we had made the day before. How could I possibly answer Kenny’s question if he noticed and asked, “Why were you staring at Adrian like some girl for?”
Kenny continued to urge me to hurry as I put my books away. When I finished, he grabbed my arm and pulled me down the hall. Adrian trailed behind us.
About a dozen guys were standing looking at the baseball roster when we approached. Jake Armstrong, a junior who had tried out, was muttering obscenities when he didn’t see his name on it. “Fuck Brunswick,” he said angrily. As he stormed past us, he brushed against me. I lost my balance and fell against Adrian. He caught me before I fell to the ground.
“Why don’t you watch it, Fucker!” Adrian shouted to him after he was sure I was steady. The guy turned and faced us.
“Bite me!” Adrian balled up his fist and took a step toward him. Kenny reached out and stopped him.
“Don’t!” He said as pulled on Adrian’s arm. “The coach will throw you off the team if you get suspended for fighting.”
“Ohhh,” taunted Armstrong. “Can’t have the great Adrian Lewis get in trouble.” He looked angrily at me. “What are you doing, protecting your boyfriend?” Adrian took a step toward him. As he raised his fist, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him away.
“Forget it,” I pleaded. “It’s not worth it.” Adrian stared at me before nodding. He then turned and headed down the hall. Kenny gave me a puzzled look, then put his arm around Adrian’s shoulder and led him away. They didn’t hear Armstrong mutter, “Fags,” before he walked away.
Kenny pushed through the boys looking at the roster. “Make way!” He shouted as he threw his elbows into the side of the guys.
“Jesus, Kenny,” complained Coleman. “You know you made the team.”
“I know,” Kenny replied, “but I got to see who’s going to help me lead this team to a state championship this year.” The guys around him started cheering.
He turned to Adrian. “You made it!” He reached out and gave him a hug. Then all the guys began giving each other high fives.” I turned and walked away.
I went and talked to Coach Templeton briefly. We discussed my conditioning and getting back in shape to run. He told me he was going to have a friend of his come in after school a few times a week and work with the sprinters. He explained how he had run track in college and had tried out for the Olympics. He had placed fifth the U.S. trials, eliminating him from competition.
“I think he’s going to be a good mentor to you guys,” the coach said reassuringly. “He knows more about running than anyone I know.”
We talked a few more minutes, and then I went and got dressed for my conditioning. I wanted to run at least fifteen laps around the oval before going home. I needed to get my body into better shape after the long winter months.
I had my MP3 player. Music helped me concentrate better as I ran. I could block out unwanted thoughts, and lately I had been having a lot of those. Another thing that now worried me was what Armstrong had said about Adrian protecting his boyfriend. I knew it was something he said out of anger because he was upset, but why did he have to say something like that?
He could easily have said something else, anything. Why did he have to call us fags? I know guys playfully call other guys fags all the time. We had been doing it before we even know what the word even meant. Perhaps I was being too sensitive, but it still worried me.
I had run twelve laps when I sensed someone running behind me. I looked back and Adrian was quickly approaching me. He was shirtless, and he was wearing only a skimpy pair of athletic shorts. My eyes immediately looked down and saw his cock bouncing around inside them as he ran toward me.
“Hey,” he smiled as he approached. “Kenny told me you’d be running laps.”
I turned and continued running. I tried to speed up, but he was able to keep up with me. I am a sprinter, not a long distance runner, so my pace isn’t especially fast. It seemed like he was trotting beside me.
I ran two more laps before stopping. I turned and looked at him. My eyes gazed over his glistening body. He was hairless except for a light dusting on his legs. Sweat had formed on his chest and small beads were dripping down his brown body. When I looked up into his face, he smiled.
“What do you want?” I asked angrily. A surprised look appeared on his face.
“I..I..just thought I’d run with you,” he answered shyly. His eyes scanned my body before looking at me. “I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“Why?” He gave me a puzzled look. “I don’t know. I just thought we had a lot in common.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked defensively.
“Nothing!” He responded quickly. “I just mean we are both athletes and all. I just thought we should get to know each other.” I wanted to respond, but I couldn’t take my eyes off his wet, glistening body. I watched as his chest heaved heavily from running. Drops of sweat were falling off his forehead. My eyes wandered back to his short skimpy shorts. His legs were strong and masculine, and there was an obvious bulge protruding from his shorts.
I became nervous when I realized he was watching me watching him. It was as if he was posing for me, inviting me to stare at him. I suddenly turned and started running. After about a half lap he caught up with me.
I stopped and turned toward him. “Leave me alone,” I said angrily. “All right?”
“I just want to be friends,” he insisted.
“I got a girlfriend!” I shouted at him. “I don’t need friends.” I turned and headed toward the gym. This time he didn’t follow me.
I sat down on the bench before my locker, placing my head in my hands. I couldn’t deal with Adrian. I hated him for coming into my life. I hated him for the feelings I was experiencing. My life was going along well until he entered it. I was confident being who I was- until he smiled at me yesterday. And just minutes ago, staring at his tall, dark, muscular body, I no longer knew who I was.
I had never looked at a guy’s cock like that before, but I wanted his. I wanted to lick the sweat off his handsome face. I wanted him to strip me naked on the running track and fuck me for the world to see.
“God!” I screamed silently. “I’m going crazy!”