Reggie's Journal
Entry #16
Just when I think I can’t love Perry anymore than I do, he goes and makes me love
him even more and that isn’t possible. It’s almost 5 o'clock Saturday, so I can’t write
for long because I have to leave for the crisis center soon. Okay. Here’s what
happened. I was writing an outline for what I’m going to write to finish up this journal
for Friday. Mr. Byrd wrote on the board our last prompt, only it wasn’t a prompt.
Usually we don’t have to answer it, and I don’t think I have answered it in weeks.
Anyway, we have to write a one page conclusion to this journal. He’s going to read it.
We have to tell him if writing this journal helped us in any way. He promised us he
wouldn’t read anything else because he’s already done weekly checks to make sure we
are doing it. I’m going to be doomed if he does read it, although I think he may have
already, but I’m not sure. I know he chuckled a few times yesterday when I turned
the pages. I think the one about his nose hair really made him laugh, but he couldn’t
do it out loud or someone might have figured out that he was reading my journal.   
He’s the only one who has seen the bold things I say just for him to read. So I’ve
started working on my conclusion a little bit because I really want a good grade out of
this. I think I’ve earned it. I’ve spent more time on this thing than anything I’ve ever
done. So I better get an A if you are reading this Mr. Byrd.

Okay. Right. I was going to tell you about Perry. So I was lying on my bed working on
my outline and there was a knock on my door. I think it’s Mom because her and dad
always knock and wait for me to tell them to come in. I think Dad told her it might not
be a good idea to just walk in because I’m a teenager and I might be doing something
she wouldn’t want to see me doing. Okay. Now I’m really embarrassed. I’d get up and
check to see how red my face is, but I have papers strewn all over my bed. So
anyway, I holler out to come in and it’s Perry. I was surprised because he didn’t tell
me he was coming over. So I quickly put my journal away because I don’t want him to
read it. He sits down beside me and asks me what I’m doing and I tell him. He giggles
and asks me if I wrote anything about him in it, and I tell him if he’ll tell me if he  
wrote anything about me. He starts stuttering really bad and then tells me that the
last four or five entries have been about me. So I told him I’d written a lot about him
too. He asks me what, and I tell him I can’t tell him. So he begs me to tell him, and I
tell him no. Then he asks me if he gives me a kiss will I tell him, and I say ‘maybe.’ So
he leans in and kisses me. So we forget about our journals and start really making
out. I guess that’s what you call it. It’s the first time we’ve really gone this far. So I
lay back and he crawls on top of me and I can feel Little Perry pressing against Little
Reggie. Perry is moaning softly into my mouth as we kiss. I’ve never really felt Little
Perry before and it seemed like the right time to do it, so I snake my hand between us
and wrap it around Little Perry. Perry moans even louder when I do it. I lifted up a
little when he started feeling for Little Reggie. So we’re really making out and I’m
starting to get afraid that I just might do IT in my sweat pants if he keeps rubbing
me. So I try to reach my hand into his sweat pants to hold it for real, and he pushes
my hand away and sits up. I started to panic and I think I’ve probably gone too far
and he’s gotten mad. But he started stuttering really bad again and his face turned
really red when he asked me if it would be okay if we waited. I told him I didn’t think I
could wait any longer because I really wanted to do IT with him, but he asked me
again if we could wait. So I asked him why, and he turned all red again. It was so
cute. Then he told me he wanted to wait until we got to London to do IT. He said he
wanted his first time with me to be really special. He didn’t want his first time to be a
quickie in my bedroom with my parents downstairs. He said he wanted to wait until
we were naked in bed together so we could really make love. That’s what he said-
make love. All this time I’ve been wanting to have sex with him. I think I would have
done it in the bushes with him if he asked me to. So we both started crying a little bit,
and I told him I would wait if he wanted to because I wanted our first time to be
special too. So we kissed some more. We even felt on each other, but not like the
first time. So now I can’t wait two weeks until we really make love. So I’m not even
going to think about having sex with Perry. He’s given me something to really look
forward to. I want to figure out a way to really make it special. I wonder if Dad and
Mom would order us a bottle of champagne from room service? That would be really
cool to make love to Perry for the first time and then have a glass of champagne. But
I know that won’t happen because  we’re only 16, and I could never ever tell them
why I want a bottle of champagne. So maybe I can buy a bottle of grape juice and
pretend it’s champagne. I really want to make it special for Perry because that’s what
he wants. I just hope he’s not disappointed because I’ve never done IT before. Maybe
I’ll talk to Abe and see if he has any ideas, although it really didn’t turn out well for
him when he did IT with Sarah. But I know one thing, I’m not going to feel guilty
afterwards because Perry and I really love each other.

It’s late Saturday and I went to bed but got back up because I could not fall asleep.    
I’m still kind of worried about meeting Jayson tomorrow. I told Mrs. Armstrong about
it, and she said that it might not have been wise to agree to meet, that he should let
professionals deal with his problems. But I explained to her how his brother is my
best friend at school and he begged me to do it and I just couldn’t say no. Mavis also
thought it was a good idea. So Mrs. Armstrong talked to me for about an hour about
things I should say to Jayson. She used a lot of terms like she would with another
psychologist. I wanted to remind her that I was just a kid, but I didn’t. I just hope
that I’ll say the right things when I talk to Jayson. I hope I’m not too intimidated by
him since he’s really cute and athletic. I still don’t know why he wants to talk to me
anyways. I just hope I don’t say something that messes him up even more than he is

Mom just came to the door and told me to go to sleep. So I’m going to try. I will write
what happens with Jayson tomorrow.

It’s Sunday night and I’m exhausted. I was with Jayson for about two hours and it
wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I’m kind of proud of myself because I
think I really helped him a little bit. Okay. Let me explain what happened.

Cory came to get me around 1:30. I thought Jayson would be with him, but he    
wasn’t. My mother cornered him in the kitchen and talked to him for about 15
minutes. She really likes him because she knows he’s my best friend at school and he
helped me out when things were a little bad earlier. So he gives me this pleading look
which was so cute because I knew he wanted to leave. I finally managed to pull him
out of the kitchen and told Mom I’d be back later. She already knew where I was
going because I told her about Jayson wanting to talk to me. She couldn’t understand
why he couldn’t come to the house and talk to me in my room, which I didn’t
understand either. I know I would have felt more comfortable, but it actually turned
out okay.

Before leaving, Cory told me to wear warm clothing and boots because it was cold
outside. I thought it was strange since I didn’t think it was really that bad. So when
we got in the car I asked Cory where Jayson was and he told me he was taking me to
meet him. So I asked him where, and he only told me to wait and see. I started to get
a little worried when he headed out of town because I thought we’d be going back to
his house to get Jayson. We drove for about a half hour and I kept asking Cory
where we were going, but he wouldn’t tell me. We finally came to an old farm and
Cory drove down a dirt path that circled behind a dilapidated barn. If I hadn’t been
with Cory and trusted him, I would have been scared. So we keep driving down the
path and it’s really getting dangerous because of all the potholes. Finally, I see a truck
ahead. It has a trailer with two ATV’s on it. Jayson was standing beside the truck
waiting for us. So we get out and Cory and Jayson take the ATV’s off the trailer. I
keep watching Jayson to see if he notices me, but he acts like he’s trying to ignore
me. But when they get them off, he climbs on a red one and Cory gets on the black
one. Jayson motions for me to get on the seat behind him. I look over at Cory and he
nods his head. Okay, now I’ve never been on an ATV, but I’ve seen them on
television and they seemed about the coolest thing in the world. But I am kind of
scared to ride with Jayson because I don’t know him. But if Cory says it’s okay, then I
guess it is. So I climb on behind Jayson and he warns me to hold on. I put my hands
on his sides, but when he takes off I have to wrap my arms around him so I don’t fall
of. So we take off across a plowed corn field and I can hear Cory behind us. I’m
holding on to Jayson for dear life and praying that he doesn’t hit a hole or something
and throw us off because we must be going over 50 miles an hour. I mean I’m only
16 and I don’t want to die flying off the back of an ATV in the middle of a cornfield.
Anyway, we race Cory around the field. It was so cool. After a while, I’m really
laughing and having a good time...until. Until Jayson stopped, climbed off and told me
it was my turn to drive. I told him I didn’t want to, that I was having fun doing what I
was doing. But he gets in behind me and kind of forces me into the driver’s seat. I
keep insisting I don’t want to do it, and then Cory starts calling me a chicken. So I tell
him I’m not, and he says “prove it.” So Jayson puts his arms around my waist and
explains how to drive it. I start out really really slow and Cory keeps telling me to
drive faster. My hands are shaking so bad I can hardly keep going straight, but
Jayson is telling me in my ear that I’m doing fine. So I start going faster and after
about 10 minutes I’m racing Cory through the cornfield. It was the coolest thing I’ve
ever done in my life. Then Jayson points to an opening in a nearby woods and tells
me to follow the trail through it. So I do as he says and we start slowly down the
trail. When I turn to see where Cory is, he isn’t behind us. Jayson tells me it’s okay,
and to keep on the trail. So we must have gone about a mile when we came to an
opening where there was a really pretty lake. Jayson motions for me to ride around
the lake, so I do. When we came to a clearing that looked like it might have been a
small beach at one time, he told me to stop. He climbed off the ATV and walked over
and stretched. I waited thinking he might have to pee or something, but he told me
to get off and he sat down on a log. I walked around because I wasn’t sure what he
wanted me to do. I was getting kind of scared because we were alone out in the
middle of nowhere, but at least Corey knew where we were, or I hoped he did. Jayson
told me to come sit beside him and I was kind of afraid when I did. We sat quietly for
about 2 minutes before he finally said anything. I jumped when he suddenly said,
“Thanks.” So I thought he was talking about riding the ATV with him, but then he
sort of got tears in his eyes and thanked me for being there last Saturday. I said it
was okay, but he started crying and told me I’d really saved his life. He said he
wanted to die that night, and for a while he was mad at me for calling for help. But he
said now he’s glad I did. He even leaned over and gave me a big hug which kind of
made me nervous because Jayson is a really hot guy and I didn’t know how I was
supposed to feel with him holding me, but it was nice though. I don’t know how to
explain it, but I felt kind of safe with him being so muscular. So he lets me go and we
sit quietly again for a few minutes. Then he asks me “how do I do it.” So I ask him
“how do I do what?” So he looks into my eyes and takes a deep breath. Finally, he
says, “Deal with being gay.”

Okay. So now I figure it’s taken him a lot of courage to say that because he probably
just outed himself to me. So I look out over the water a minute before answering. I
mean what can I say to make him feel better about himself. So I look into his face and
say, “It’s not that bad, really. It’s okay to be gay.” So he sighs and says, “For you
maybe.” So I ask him what’s so bad about it. He looks at me and tears sort of appear
in this eyes. He then tells me about his father and how he’s completely turned his
back on him since he tried to kill himself. He said it was because of his father that he
wanted to kill himself last week. He said he just couldn’t live up to his expectations
anymore. He said he knew years ago that he was gay, but he couldn’t admit it
because he knew how his father would react if he found out.

I asked him if his father knows he’s gay now, and he says he thinks so because he
told his mother and he’s sure she told him. He says he really feels he disappointed
him. So I don’t know where it came from, but I started telling him he had to live for
himself and not his father. He had to make himself happy, not anyone else. I told him
he had to be true to himself and not live a lie. So he said it wasn’t that easy. So I told
him it was. He kept saying it wasn’t. Then I looked at him and said really forcefully,
“You didn’t want to live if you had to live a lie, right?” He started crying and admitted
it. So I said, “Then what do you have to lose?” So he started crying really hard and
grabbed me and pulled me into a really strong hug. I could hardly breath but I didn’t
want to say anything because I thought he really needed someone to hug him. So
after a few minutes, he sat back and asked me, “What should I do?”

So I told him he had to face the fact he was gay. He said that the therapists were
helping him deal with that. I then told him he needed to come out to his family.        
He said he already told his Mom and Cory. I was kind of surprised because Cory   
hadn’t said anything about Jayson telling him he was gay. But I knew Cory well
enough to know that he wouldn’t do anything like that. So I told him the hard part
was over. He gave me a puzzled look and I told him, “The people you love know.” So
he started talking about his father’s attitude, but I told him it would take time. He had
to give him time to adjust. Maybe he would, and maybe he wouldn’t, but I told him
again he had to live his life so that he could be happy, not his father. Besides, he was
a senior and he’d be leaving home to go to college in a few months anyway.

So then we talked about how my friends accepted it, and I told him they were okay
with me being gay. I told him how Cory was really supportive. He started crying again
and said that Cory was really helping him. He said he felt really bad for the way he  
had treated him in the past. He made me promise not to tell Cory, but he was going
to give him the ATVs when he went to college. He also told me he was going to tell
Cory to bring me out to the farm and let me ride anytime I wanted. So we talked a
little more and I told him that if his friends were really his friends, then they would
accept him being gay like my friends did. If they couldn’t, then they really weren’t his
friends to begin with. He agreed and said he was going to start by telling Jeffrey first.
He got really embarrassed when he said it, so I asked him if he liked Jeffrey. He said,
“Something like that.”  So we talked a little about how he should do it, so I told him
to just be honest. If Jeffrey is his friend, he’ll understand. So he asked, “What if he
doesn’t?” So I again said, “What do you have to lose? Either he’ll drop you as a
friend, which means he wasn’t a friend to begin with, or you’ll gain a really close friend
because you’ll be yourself with him.” So after a few minutes, he asked me if I had a
boyfriend, and I turned really red. He laughed and asked me who the lucky boy was,
so I told him a little bit about Perry. I told him about going to London with him over
the Christmas break. When I finished, he sat back and laughed really loud. He then
leaned over and gave me a really big hug. When he finished, he said, “Dude, you
should see the look on your face when you talk about Perry. You’ve really given me
hope that I can find someone like him to love someday.” So I giggled and gave him a
little push and told him he’d better leave Perry alone. He laughed again and said, “If   
he loves you half as much as you love him, I don’t think that would even be possible.”
So finally he stood and asked me if I was ready to go. Before we got on the ATV, he
gave me another really big hug. It kind of surprised me when he kissed me on my
cheek. I had to pull away because Little Reggie was starting to wake up. I think he
was beginning to realize I was alone with probably one of the hottest guys on the
planet, well except for Perry of course.

Cory started grinning when he saw Jayson and me heading toward him as he waited
by the truck. I was driving and Jayson had his arms wrapped around my waist. I   
didn’t say anything, but on the way back he once reached down and gave Little
Reggie a quick squeeze. Of course, Little Reggie woke up and waited for him to do it
again, but he didn’t. When we got off, Jayson asked Cory for the keys to his car and
he left after giving me and Cory a big hug. Cory and I spent the rest of the afternoon
racing around the cornfield. So what I thought was going to be a very bad thing,
turned out instead to be one of the best days I’ve ever spent. When Cory brought
me home, I came upstairs, took a hot shower and slept for about three hours. So
now I have to call Perry and tell him about it. I hope Cory will take us both riding
someday. I’m sure he will if I ask him.

It’s Monday night and I’m getting ready to go to bed, but I wanted to write this down
first. I’ve got the best grandmother in the world. I’ve always known that, but tonight
she showed me just how special she is. Okay, here’s what happened. She came for
dinner which isn’t unusual because Mom invites her about once a week. So when we
finish eating, I come back to my room to finish some homework. Anyway, my
grandmother knocks on my door. She comes in and sits on the side of the bed and
tells me to sit beside her. Then she starts asking me about my boyfriend and why I
haven’t let her meet him. She joked and said he must be ugly, so I tell her how cute
he is. So then she tells me to call him because she wants to meet him. She wanted to
go get a banana split and she wanted him to join us. So I called him and he asked his
mother and she said he could.

As soon as he came running out of his house and jumped in the car, my mother
looked at me and wiggled her eyebrows and said loud enough for him to hear, “He’s a
cutie.” So I look in the backseat and Perry is turning a bright red. It got even worse
when we got to the Dairy Queen. She had him sit beside her and she went on and on
about how cute he was. He could hardly get out a sentence without stuttering really
badly because she kept embarrassing him. She wanted to know how we met, so I told
her about sitting beside him on the bus. She also knew about Perry going with us to
London, so she suggested some places we might go since her and grand daddy had
been there before. Then she handed me an envelop and I asked her what it was. She
told me to open it, and when I did there was a bunch of traveler’s checks. I asked her
what it was for, and she told me she wanted me and Perry to have a good time, but
we weren’t to tell Mom and Dad she had given us spending money as she called it.
She told us to buy whatever we wanted and to make sure we bought plenty of
souvenirs. She said she wanted us to have our own money so we wouldn’t have to
ask Mom and Dad for money all the time to do things. When I asked her how much
was in the envelop, she said $1500. Perry almost fell out of his seat. I told her it was
too much money, but she said it was expensive in London so we would need it. She
embarrassed me when she told me I had a cute boyfriend and I should take good care
of him. She even joked about us having our own room at the hotel, but I quickly
changed the subject before she could embarrass us even more. So when we got up,
we both gave her a really big hug and she kissed us on our cheeks and told us to
have fun in London. After dropping Perry off, she kept kidding me about having a
really cute boyfriend. So yeah, I’ve got the greatest grandmother in the whole wide

It’s Wednesday night and I’m still working on my conclusion to this journal. It is
harder than I thought it would be because I’m really trying to get an A on this thing.
Mr. Byrd reminded us this morning that it will be 60% of our grade. James tried to
protest by saying that 60% is too much for something he didn’t even read. He tried
to get the rest of us to join in his little protest, but I think everyone was too scared
because we’re afraid if we did it might affect our grade. I know I did. Besides, the only
reason James said anything is because he has only been writing a little bit each week.
Last week he said he only had about 2000 words in his journal. I hope Mr. Byrd
noticed I had over 7300 words two weeks ago. I really want a good grade on this. Not
because I need an A, I just think I’ve deserved one because I’ve spent a lot of time
on this thing.

I talked to Abe today in chemistry class while we were doing experiments. I asked him
if he still regretted having sex with Sarah. He started to answer, then he looked at my
face and I started turning red, so he giggled and whispered in my ear, “Are you and
Perry really going to do it?” I turned away and pretended like I didn’t hear him, but
then he said, “I thought you guys were already doing it, but you wouldn’t tell me you
were.” So I asked him why he thought we were doing it, and he said, “Reggie,
everyone thinks you guys are doing it.” So I said, “What?” a little louder than I should
have because everyone looked over at our table. So I sort of nervously ask him why
everyone thinks that. So he says, “God, Reggie. He practically sits in your lap when
we eat lunch. And the way you two are always looking at each other.” He giggled and
said, “It’s actually sickening sometimes. You two need to get a room.” So I hit him on
his shoulder. He acted like he was going to fall out of his seat. We laughed until Mr.
Archer came over and told us to settle down a little. But then he got all low and
whispered, “But you know what made me think you guys were doing it?” I shook my
head no, so he said, “Because you’re always finishing his sentences.” So I go,
“What?” And he says, “It’s really freaky. It’s like you guys can read each other’s
minds. It’s like you know what he’s going to say, and you finish his sentence for him.”
Okay, so now I feel some tears kind of forming in my eyes, so I have to look away so
Abe doesn’t see them. But then he nudged me in my side and giggled, “You will tell
me when you do it, won’t you? You told me you would.” So I looked at him and kind
of smiled a little. I didn’t tell him I would because Perry might not like it. But I
probably won’t have to say anything anyway. When we come back from London, I
think everybody will be able to look at us and know we did IT.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. I saw Jayson in the hall today. I was hurrying to my third
period class after walking Perry to Mr. Byrd’s class. I saw him and another boy who I
think is Jeffrey. They were walking really close letting their shoulders touch like me  
and Perry do when we’re walking together. Jayson sees me and smiles really big. He
then gave me a thumbs up, so I think things are working out better for him. I hope

It’s Thursday night and I’m going to be up late finishing this conclusion for Mr. Byrd. I
was working on it earlier, when Mom called me downstairs. When I went down, Perry
and his mom and dad were sitting around the dining room table. I guess Mom and
Mrs. Morgan wanted to finish discussing the plans for the vacation. She gave my mom
Perry’s passport and birth certificate. She also had some kind of a legal document
that stated that Mom and Dad could act on their behalf in case he was injured. That
kind of scared me because I don’t want anything bad to happen to Perry.

So we will leave Tuesday morning for New York. They decided since we don’t have
school Monday, Perry can spend Sunday night and Monday with us. Since I only have
a single bed, he’ll be sleeping on the sofa in the family room. I considered telling them
that I wouldn’t mind sharing my bed with him, but I knew my face would turn a  
million shades of red if I did. Maybe  I’ll just talk to Mom alone Sunday afternoon
before he gets here. I’ll try to come up with some reasonable excuse. I could always
say he might get scared sleeping out in the family room by himself since it’s a strange
house. She just might buy it.

When we get to London, we’ll be staying in a really nice hotel. They talked about the
room Perry and I will share, and not once did they even suggest that we might do IT
since we’ll be alone. I think they already know we’ll do IT, so no one wants to mention
it. They told us we could go sightseeing by ourselves, but we were to always stay
together. I don’t think they have to worry about that. If we do go out alone, we have
to be back to the hotel by 6 for dinner, and we’re not to go out afterwards unless we
are with Mom and Dad, which is fine with me since we have our own room and can do
whatever we want to do.

Perry and I are really excited about going. I’m so glad Mom asked him to go. It’s like
all my dreams have come true at one time. I used to sit alone at my bedroom window
watching for deer to appear in the backyard wishing that someone someday would
come into my life and love me. Then one day Perry came into my life and...


                       What I Learned from Writing This Journal
                                       by Reggie Faulkner

When you assigned this, Mr. Byrd, I really hated the idea of writing a journal. To me,
it seemed like just more busy work. But as soon as I started writing in it, something
really strange occurred. It was as if I’d found a friend, someone I could depend on.
And the friend I found was me, Reggie Faulkner. I was shy and introverted with no
close friends. However, writing in this journal allowed me to look deep inside myself.
And you know what? I really liked what I saw. This journal allowed me to admit to
myself things I might never have considered. I don’t want to go into detail because it
is personal; however, I think you already know what I’m talking about.

In seeing myself in a different light, it also allowed me to see others in a different light
too. And you know what? I found out just how much my parents and grandmother
love me. If I wasn’t writing it down, I may have missed those simple little things. But
when things got really bad for me, I realized my Mom and Dad were really there for
me. When I faced a personal crisis, I turned to this journal and shared with it things I
would never have expressed to anyone else. But then, by putting it into perspective, I
could better understand that my problems really weren’t insurmountable. I could
depend on my parents for support. So I guess this journal made me realize just how
much I love them.

I also realized I had a lot of really good friends, friends I could trust. When things got
really bad, they didn’t turn their backs on me. I think by sitting down at night and
reevaluating what happened during the day made me realize just how special a few of
my friends became. I also found out that I was no longer alone. Secrets in my life
came out, and my friends were there to support me.

There was also a really bad event that happened while I was keeping this journal. I
think by being able to turn to it and express my feelings helped me deal better with it.
It really helped me face the realities of life and death by recording my feelings and
then going back and reading how I felt.

Keeping this journal also gave me confidence to face challenges. Some were bad, but
many were good. The best thing I realized was I was able to accept myself, and it
gave me the courage to think that just maybe someone else might like me too. I
found that special someone, and I think you probably already know that.

Another very important lesson I learned was that life can be really hard sometimes,
and sometimes people need other people to help them find the way. I realize that I
can be that person. I learned that I can give good advice and even a shoulder to cry
on if they need it.

So I guess I grew up a lot as I wrote this journal. One thing it helped me realize is
that life is constantly changing- for the good and bad. But you know what? Even
during bad times, good times always come in the end. And the most important thing I
learned is you have to face challenges without being afraid of the results. Sometimes I
have to do things I don’t necessarily want to do, but I do it because I know it is the
right thing to do. I also learned that life isn’t so bad after all. It can be fun,
challenging and exciting. So I guess that is a good lesson to learn for someone my

So I wasn’t going to say this because I didn’t want you to think I was saying it to get
a good grade, but thank you, Mr. Byrd. I guess you knew what you were doing when
you asked us to keep this journal. Years from now when I go back and read what
happened to me in high school, I’m going to remember you as one of the best
teachers I ever had.

The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows.

                    Excellent journal, Reggie!               A+

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