Just when I think I can’t love Perry anymore than I do, he goes and makes me love him even more and that isn’t possible. It’s almost 5 o'clock Saturday, so I can’t write for long because I have to leave for the crisis center soon. Okay. Here’s what happened. I was writing an outline for what I’m going to write to finish up this journal for Friday. Mr. Byrd wrote on the board our last prompt, only it wasn’t a prompt. Usually we don’t have to answer it, and I don’t think I have answered it in weeks. Anyway, we have to write a one page conclusion to this journal. He’s going to read it. We have to tell him if writing this journal helped us in any way. He promised us he wouldn’t read anything else because he’s already done weekly checks to make sure we are doing it. I’m going to be doomed if he does read it, although I think he may have already, but I’m not sure. I know he chuckled a few times yesterday when I turned the pages. I think the one about his nose hair really made him laugh, but he couldn’t do it out loud or someone might have figured out that he was reading my journal. He’s the only one who has seen the bold things I say just for him to read. So I’ve started working on my conclusion a little bit because I really want a good grade out of this. I think I’ve earned it. I’ve spent more time on this thing than anything I’ve ever done. So I better get an A if you are reading this Mr. Byrd.
Okay. Right. I was going to tell you about Perry. So I was lying on my bed working on my outline and there was a knock on my door. I think it’s Mom because her and dad always knock and wait for me to tell them to come in. I think Dad told her it might not be a good idea to just walk in because I’m a teenager and I might be doing something she wouldn’t want to see me doing. Okay. Now I’m really embarrassed. I’d get up and check to see how red my face is, but I have papers strewn all over my bed. So anyway, I holler out to come in and it’s Perry. I was surprised because he didn’t tell me he was coming over. So I quickly put my journal away because I don’t want him to read it. He sits down beside me and asks me what I’m doing and I tell him. He giggles and asks me if I wrote anything about him in it, and I tell him if he’ll tell me if he wrote anything about me. He starts stuttering really bad and then tells me that the last four or five entries have been about me. So I told him I’d written a lot about him too. He asks me what, and I tell him I can’t tell him. So he begs me to tell him, and I tell him no. Then he asks me if he gives me a kiss will I tell him, and I say ‘maybe.’ So he leans in and kisses me. So we forget about our journals and start really making out. I guess that’s what you call it. It’s the first time we’ve really gone this far. So I lay back and he crawls on top of me and I can feel Little Perry pressing against Little Reggie. Perry is moaning softly into my mouth as we kiss. I’ve never really felt Little Perry before and it seemed like the right time to do it, so I snake my hand between us and wrap it around Little Perry. Perry moans even louder when I do it. I lifted up a little when he started feeling for Little Reggie. So we’re really making out and I’m starting to get afraid that I just might do IT in my sweat pants if he keeps rubbing me. So I try to reach my hand into his sweat pants to hold it for real, and he pushes my hand away and sits up. I started to panic and I think I’ve probably gone too far and he’s gotten mad. But he started stuttering really bad again and his face turned really red when he asked me if it would be okay if we waited. I told him I didn’t think I could wait any longer because I really wanted to do IT with him, but he asked me again if we could wait. So I asked him why, and he turned all red again. It was so cute. Then he told me he wanted to wait until we got to London to do IT. He said he wanted his first time with me to be really special. He didn’t want his first time to be a quickie in my bedroom with my parents downstairs. He said he wanted to wait until we were naked in bed together so we could really make love. That’s what he said- make love. All this time I’ve been wanting to have sex with him. I think I would have done it in the bushes with him if he asked me to. So we both started crying a little bit, and I told him I would wait if he wanted to because I wanted our first time to be special too. So we kissed some more. We even felt on each other, but not like the first time. So now I can’t wait two weeks until we really make love. So I’m not even going to think about having sex with Perry. He’s given me something to really look forward to. I want to figure out a way to really make it special. I wonder if Dad and Mom would order us a bottle of champagne from room service? That would be really cool to make love to Perry for the first time and then have a glass of champagne. But I know that won’t happen because we’re only 16, and I could never ever tell them why I want a bottle of champagne. So maybe I can buy a bottle of grape juice and pretend it’s champagne. I really want to make it special for Perry because that’s what he wants. I just hope he’s not disappointed because I’ve never done IT before. Maybe I’ll talk to Abe and see if he has any ideas, although it really didn’t turn out well for him when he did IT with Sarah. But I know one thing, I’m not going to feel guilty afterwards because Perry and I really love each other. YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN LOVE WHEN YOU CAN’T FALL ASLEEP BECAUSE REALITY IS FINALLY BETTER THAN YOUR DREAMS.
It’s late Saturday and I went to bed but got back up because I could not fall asleep. I’m still kind of worried about meeting Jayson tomorrow. I told Mrs. Armstrong about it, and she said that it might not have been wise to agree to meet, that he should let professionals deal with his problems. But I explained to her how his brother is my best friend at school and he begged me to do it and I just couldn’t say no. Mavis also thought it was a good idea. So Mrs. Armstrong talked to me for about an hour about things I should say to Jayson. She used a lot of terms like she would with another psychologist. I wanted to remind her that I was just a kid, but I didn’t. I just hope that I’ll say the right things when I talk to Jayson. I hope I’m not too intimidated by him since he’s really cute and athletic. I still don’t know why he wants to talk to me anyways. I just hope I don’t say something that messes him up even more than he is now.
Mom just came to the door and told me to go to sleep. So I’m going to try. I will write what happens with Jayson tomorrow. NO MATTER HOW LONG WE HAVE TRAVELED ON THE WRONG ROAD, WE CAN ALWAYS TURN AROUND.
It’s Sunday night and I’m exhausted. I was with Jayson for about two hours and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I’m kind of proud of myself because I think I really helped him a little bit. Okay. Let me explain what happened.
Cory came to get me around 1:30. I thought Jayson would be with him, but he wasn’t. My mother cornered him in the kitchen and talked to him for about 15 minutes. She really likes him because she knows he’s my best friend at school and he helped me out when things were a little bad earlier. So he gives me this pleading look which was so cute because I knew he wanted to leave. I finally managed to pull him out of the kitchen and told Mom I’d be back later. She already knew where I was going because I told her about Jayson wanting to talk to me. She couldn’t understand why he couldn’t come to the house and talk to me in my room, which I didn’t understand either. I know I would have felt more comfortable, but it actually turned out okay.
Before leaving, Cory told me to wear warm clothing and boots because it was cold outside. I thought it was strange since I didn’t think it was really that bad. So when we got in the car I asked Cory where Jayson was and he told me he was taking me to meet him. So I asked him where, and he only told me to wait and see. I started to get a little worried when he headed out of town because I thought we’d be going back to his house to get Jayson. We drove for about a half hour and I kept asking Cory where we were going, but he wouldn’t tell me. We finally came to an old farm and Cory drove down a dirt path that circled behind a dilapidated barn. If I hadn’t been with Cory and trusted him, I would have been scared. So we keep driving down the path and it’s really getting dangerous because of all the potholes. Finally, I see a truck ahead. It has a trailer with two ATV’s on it. Jayson was standing beside the truck waiting for us. So we get out and Cory and Jayson take the ATV’s off the trailer. I keep watching Jayson to see if he notices me, but he acts like he’s trying to ignore me. But when they get them off, he climbs on a red one and Cory gets on the black one. Jayson motions for me to get on the seat behind him. I look over at Cory and he nods his head. Okay, now I’ve never been on an ATV, but I’ve seen them on television and they seemed about the coolest thing in the world. But I am kind of scared to ride with Jayson because I don’t know him. But if Cory says it’s okay, then I guess it is. So I climb on behind Jayson and he warns me to hold on. I put my hands on his sides, but when he takes off I have to wrap my arms around him so I don’t fall of. So we take off across a plowed corn field and I can hear Cory behind us. I’m holding on to Jayson for dear life and praying that he doesn’t hit a hole or something and throw us off because we must be going over 50 miles an hour. I mean I’m only 16 and I don’t want to die flying off the back of an ATV in the middle of a cornfield. Anyway, we race Cory around the field. It was so cool. After a while, I’m really laughing and having a good time...until. Until Jayson stopped, climbed off and told me it was my turn to drive. I told him I didn’t want to, that I was having fun doing what I was doing. But he gets in behind me and kind of forces me into the driver’s seat. I keep insisting I don’t want to do it, and then Cory starts calling me a chicken. So I tell him I’m not, and he says “prove it.” So Jayson puts his arms around my waist and explains how to drive it. I start out really really slow and Cory keeps telling me to drive faster. My hands are shaking so bad I can hardly keep going straight, but Jayson is telling me in my ear that I’m doing fine. So I start going faster and after about 10 minutes I’m racing Cory through the cornfield. It was the coolest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Then Jayson points to an opening in a nearby woods and tells me to follow the trail through it. So I do as he says and we start slowly down the trail. When I turn to see where Cory is, he isn’t behind us. Jayson tells me it’s okay, and to keep on the trail. So we must have gone about a mile when we came to an opening where there was a really pretty lake. Jayson motions for me to ride around the lake, so I do. When we came to a clearing that looked like it might have been a small beach at one time, he told me to stop. He climbed off the ATV and walked over and stretched. I waited thinking he might have to pee or something, but he told me to get off and he sat down on a log. I walked around because I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to do. I was getting kind of scared because we were alone out in the middle of nowhere, but at least Corey knew where we were, or I hoped he did. Jayson told me to come sit beside him and I was kind of afraid when I did. We sat quietly for about 2 minutes before he finally said anything. I jumped when he suddenly said, “Thanks.” So I thought he was talking about riding the ATV with him, but then he sort of got tears in his eyes and thanked me for being there last Saturday. I said it was okay, but he started crying and told me I’d really saved his life. He said he wanted to die that night, and for a while he was mad at me for calling for help. But he said now he’s glad I did. He even leaned over and gave me a big hug which kind of made me nervous because Jayson is a really hot guy and I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel with him holding me, but it was nice though. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt kind of safe with him being so muscular. So he lets me go and we sit quietly again for a few minutes. Then he asks me “how do I do it.” So I ask him “how do I do what?” So he looks into my eyes and takes a deep breath. Finally, he says, “Deal with being gay.”
Okay. So now I figure it’s taken him a lot of courage to say that because he probably just outed himself to me. So I look out over the water a minute before answering. I mean what can I say to make him feel better about himself. So I look into his face and say, “It’s not that bad, really. It’s okay to be gay.” So he sighs and says, “For you maybe.” So I ask him what’s so bad about it. He looks at me and tears sort of appear in this eyes. He then tells me about his father and how he’s completely turned his back on him since he tried to kill himself. He said it was because of his father that he wanted to kill himself last week. He said he just couldn’t live up to his expectations anymore. He said he knew years ago that he was gay, but he couldn’t admit it because he knew how his father would react if he found out.
I asked him if his father knows he’s gay now, and he says he thinks so because he told his mother and he’s sure she told him. He says he really feels he disappointed him. So I don’t know where it came from, but I started telling him he had to live for himself and not his father. He had to make himself happy, not anyone else. I told him he had to be true to himself and not live a lie. So he said it wasn’t that easy. So I told him it was. He kept saying it wasn’t. Then I looked at him and said really forcefully, “You didn’t want to live if you had to live a lie, right?” He started crying and admitted it. So I said, “Then what do you have to lose?” So he started crying really hard and grabbed me and pulled me into a really strong hug. I could hardly breath but I didn’t want to say anything because I thought he really needed someone to hug him. So after a few minutes, he sat back and asked me, “What should I do?”
So I told him he had to face the fact he was gay. He said that the therapists were helping him deal with that. I then told him he needed to come out to his family. He said he already told his Mom and Cory. I was kind of surprised because Cory hadn’t said anything about Jayson telling him he was gay. But I knew Cory well enough to know that he wouldn’t do anything like that. So I told him the hard part was over. He gave me a puzzled look and I told him, “The people you love know.” So he started talking about his father’s attitude, but I told him it would take time. He had to give him time to adjust. Maybe he would, and maybe he wouldn’t, but I told him again he had to live his life so that he could be happy, not his father. Besides, he was a senior and he’d be leaving home to go to college in a few months anyway.
So then we talked about how my friends accepted it, and I told him they were okay with me being gay. I told him how Cory was really supportive. He started crying again and said that Cory was really helping him. He said he felt really bad for the way he had treated him in the past. He made me promise not to tell Cory, but he was going to give him the ATVs when he went to college. He also told me he was going to tell Cory to bring me out to the farm and let me ride anytime I wanted. So we talked a little more and I told him that if his friends were really his friends, then they would accept him being gay like my friends did. If they couldn’t, then they really weren’t his friends to begin with. He agreed and said he was going to start by telling Jeffrey first. He got really embarrassed when he said it, so I asked him if he liked Jeffrey. He said, “Something like that.” So we talked a little about how he should do it, so I told him to just be honest. If Jeffrey is his friend, he’ll understand. So he asked, “What if he doesn’t?” So I again said, “What do you have to lose? Either he’ll drop you as a friend, which means he wasn’t a friend to begin with, or you’ll gain a really close friend because you’ll be yourself with him.” So after a few minutes, he asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I turned really red. He laughed and asked me who the lucky boy was, so I told him a little bit about Perry. I told him about going to London with him over the Christmas break. When I finished, he sat back and laughed really loud. He then leaned over and gave me a really big hug. When he finished, he said, “Dude, you should see the look on your face when you talk about Perry. You’ve really given me hope that I can find someone like him to love someday.” So I giggled and gave him a little push and told him he’d better leave Perry alone. He laughed again and said, “If he loves you half as much as you love him, I don’t think that would even be possible.” So finally he stood and asked me if I was ready to go. Before we got on the ATV, he gave me another really big hug. It kind of surprised me when he kissed me on my cheek. I had to pull away because Little Reggie was starting to wake up. I think he was beginning to realize I was alone with probably one of the hottest guys on the planet, well except for Perry of course.
Cory started grinning when he saw Jayson and me heading toward him as he waited by the truck. I was driving and Jayson had his arms wrapped around my waist. I didn’t say anything, but on the way back he once reached down and gave Little Reggie a quick squeeze. Of course, Little Reggie woke up and waited for him to do it again, but he didn’t. When we got off, Jayson asked Cory for the keys to his car and he left after giving me and Cory a big hug. Cory and I spent the rest of the afternoon racing around the cornfield. So what I thought was going to be a very bad thing, turned out instead to be one of the best days I’ve ever spent. When Cory brought me home, I came upstairs, took a hot shower and slept for about three hours. So now I have to call Perry and tell him about it. I hope Cory will take us both riding someday. I’m sure he will if I ask him. THE PERSON WHO REMOVES A MOUNTAIN BEGINS BY CARRYING AWAY SMALL STONES.
It’s Monday night and I’m getting ready to go to bed, but I wanted to write this down first. I’ve got the best grandmother in the world. I’ve always known that, but tonight she showed me just how special she is. Okay, here’s what happened. She came for dinner which isn’t unusual because Mom invites her about once a week. So when we finish eating, I come back to my room to finish some homework. Anyway, my grandmother knocks on my door. She comes in and sits on the side of the bed and tells me to sit beside her. Then she starts asking me about my boyfriend and why I haven’t let her meet him. She joked and said he must be ugly, so I tell her how cute he is. So then she tells me to call him because she wants to meet him. She wanted to go get a banana split and she wanted him to join us. So I called him and he asked his mother and she said he could.
As soon as he came running out of his house and jumped in the car, my mother looked at me and wiggled her eyebrows and said loud enough for him to hear, “He’s a cutie.” So I look in the backseat and Perry is turning a bright red. It got even worse when we got to the Dairy Queen. She had him sit beside her and she went on and on about how cute he was. He could hardly get out a sentence without stuttering really badly because she kept embarrassing him. She wanted to know how we met, so I told her about sitting beside him on the bus. She also knew about Perry going with us to London, so she suggested some places we might go since her and grand daddy had been there before. Then she handed me an envelop and I asked her what it was. She told me to open it, and when I did there was a bunch of traveler’s checks. I asked her what it was for, and she told me she wanted me and Perry to have a good time, but we weren’t to tell Mom and Dad she had given us spending money as she called it. She told us to buy whatever we wanted and to make sure we bought plenty of souvenirs. She said she wanted us to have our own money so we wouldn’t have to ask Mom and Dad for money all the time to do things. When I asked her how much was in the envelop, she said $1500. Perry almost fell out of his seat. I told her it was too much money, but she said it was expensive in London so we would need it. She embarrassed me when she told me I had a cute boyfriend and I should take good care of him. She even joked about us having our own room at the hotel, but I quickly changed the subject before she could embarrass us even more. So when we got up, we both gave her a really big hug and she kissed us on our cheeks and told us to have fun in London. After dropping Perry off, she kept kidding me about having a really cute boyfriend. So yeah, I’ve got the greatest grandmother in the whole wide world. GRANDMOTHERS ARE MOMS WITH LOTS OF FROSTING
It’s Wednesday night and I’m still working on my conclusion to this journal. It is harder than I thought it would be because I’m really trying to get an A on this thing. Mr. Byrd reminded us this morning that it will be 60% of our grade. James tried to protest by saying that 60% is too much for something he didn’t even read. He tried to get the rest of us to join in his little protest, but I think everyone was too scared because we’re afraid if we did it might affect our grade. I know I did. Besides, the only reason James said anything is because he has only been writing a little bit each week. Last week he said he only had about 2000 words in his journal. I hope Mr. Byrd noticed I had over 7300 words two weeks ago. I really want a good grade on this. Not because I need an A, I just think I’ve deserved one because I’ve spent a lot of time on this thing.
I talked to Abe today in chemistry class while we were doing experiments. I asked him if he still regretted having sex with Sarah. He started to answer, then he looked at my face and I started turning red, so he giggled and whispered in my ear, “Are you and Perry really going to do it?” I turned away and pretended like I didn’t hear him, but then he said, “I thought you guys were already doing it, but you wouldn’t tell me you were.” So I asked him why he thought we were doing it, and he said, “Reggie, everyone thinks you guys are doing it.” So I said, “What?” a little louder than I should have because everyone looked over at our table. So I sort of nervously ask him why everyone thinks that. So he says, “God, Reggie. He practically sits in your lap when we eat lunch. And the way you two are always looking at each other.” He giggled and said, “It’s actually sickening sometimes. You two need to get a room.” So I hit him on his shoulder. He acted like he was going to fall out of his seat. We laughed until Mr. Archer came over and told us to settle down a little. But then he got all low and whispered, “But you know what made me think you guys were doing it?” I shook my head no, so he said, “Because you’re always finishing his sentences.” So I go, “What?” And he says, “It’s really freaky. It’s like you guys can read each other’s minds. It’s like you know what he’s going to say, and you finish his sentence for him.” Okay, so now I feel some tears kind of forming in my eyes, so I have to look away so Abe doesn’t see them. But then he nudged me in my side and giggled, “You will tell me when you do it, won’t you? You told me you would.” So I looked at him and kind of smiled a little. I didn’t tell him I would because Perry might not like it. But I probably won’t have to say anything anyway. When we come back from London, I think everybody will be able to look at us and know we did IT.
Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. I saw Jayson in the hall today. I was hurrying to my third period class after walking Perry to Mr. Byrd’s class. I saw him and another boy who I think is Jeffrey. They were walking really close letting their shoulders touch like me and Perry do when we’re walking together. Jayson sees me and smiles really big. He then gave me a thumbs up, so I think things are working out better for him. I hope so. THE BEST KIND OF FRIEND IS THE KIND YOU CAN SIT ON A PORCH AND SWING WITH, NEVER SAY A WORD, AND THEN WALK AWAY FEELING LIKE IT WAS THE BEST CONVERSATION YOU EVER HAD.
It’s Thursday night and I’m going to be up late finishing this conclusion for Mr. Byrd. I was working on it earlier, when Mom called me downstairs. When I went down, Perry and his mom and dad were sitting around the dining room table. I guess Mom and Mrs. Morgan wanted to finish discussing the plans for the vacation. She gave my mom Perry’s passport and birth certificate. She also had some kind of a legal document that stated that Mom and Dad could act on their behalf in case he was injured. That kind of scared me because I don’t want anything bad to happen to Perry.
So we will leave Tuesday morning for New York. They decided since we don’t have school Monday, Perry can spend Sunday night and Monday with us. Since I only have a single bed, he’ll be sleeping on the sofa in the family room. I considered telling them that I wouldn’t mind sharing my bed with him, but I knew my face would turn a million shades of red if I did. Maybe I’ll just talk to Mom alone Sunday afternoon before he gets here. I’ll try to come up with some reasonable excuse. I could always say he might get scared sleeping out in the family room by himself since it’s a strange house. She just might buy it.
When we get to London, we’ll be staying in a really nice hotel. They talked about the room Perry and I will share, and not once did they even suggest that we might do IT since we’ll be alone. I think they already know we’ll do IT, so no one wants to mention it. They told us we could go sightseeing by ourselves, but we were to always stay together. I don’t think they have to worry about that. If we do go out alone, we have to be back to the hotel by 6 for dinner, and we’re not to go out afterwards unless we are with Mom and Dad, which is fine with me since we have our own room and can do whatever we want to do.
Perry and I are really excited about going. I’m so glad Mom asked him to go. It’s like all my dreams have come true at one time. I used to sit alone at my bedroom window watching for deer to appear in the backyard wishing that someone someday would come into my life and love me. Then one day Perry came into my life and... TRUE LOVE STORIES NEVER HAVE ENDINGS...
What I Learned from Writing This Journal by Reggie Faulkner
When you assigned this, Mr. Byrd, I really hated the idea of writing a journal. To me, it seemed like just more busy work. But as soon as I started writing in it, something really strange occurred. It was as if I’d found a friend, someone I could depend on. And the friend I found was me, Reggie Faulkner. I was shy and introverted with no close friends. However, writing in this journal allowed me to look deep inside myself. And you know what? I really liked what I saw. This journal allowed me to admit to myself things I might never have considered. I don’t want to go into detail because it is personal; however, I think you already know what I’m talking about.
In seeing myself in a different light, it also allowed me to see others in a different light too. And you know what? I found out just how much my parents and grandmother love me. If I wasn’t writing it down, I may have missed those simple little things. But when things got really bad for me, I realized my Mom and Dad were really there for me. When I faced a personal crisis, I turned to this journal and shared with it things I would never have expressed to anyone else. But then, by putting it into perspective, I could better understand that my problems really weren’t insurmountable. I could depend on my parents for support. So I guess this journal made me realize just how much I love them.
I also realized I had a lot of really good friends, friends I could trust. When things got really bad, they didn’t turn their backs on me. I think by sitting down at night and reevaluating what happened during the day made me realize just how special a few of my friends became. I also found out that I was no longer alone. Secrets in my life came out, and my friends were there to support me.
There was also a really bad event that happened while I was keeping this journal. I think by being able to turn to it and express my feelings helped me deal better with it. It really helped me face the realities of life and death by recording my feelings and then going back and reading how I felt.
Keeping this journal also gave me confidence to face challenges. Some were bad, but many were good. The best thing I realized was I was able to accept myself, and it gave me the courage to think that just maybe someone else might like me too. I found that special someone, and I think you probably already know that.
Another very important lesson I learned was that life can be really hard sometimes, and sometimes people need other people to help them find the way. I realize that I can be that person. I learned that I can give good advice and even a shoulder to cry on if they need it.
So I guess I grew up a lot as I wrote this journal. One thing it helped me realize is that life is constantly changing- for the good and bad. But you know what? Even during bad times, good times always come in the end. And the most important thing I learned is you have to face challenges without being afraid of the results. Sometimes I have to do things I don’t necessarily want to do, but I do it because I know it is the right thing to do. I also learned that life isn’t so bad after all. It can be fun, challenging and exciting. So I guess that is a good lesson to learn for someone my age.
So I wasn’t going to say this because I didn’t want you to think I was saying it to get a good grade, but thank you, Mr. Byrd. I guess you knew what you were doing when you asked us to keep this journal. Years from now when I go back and read what happened to me in high school, I’m going to remember you as one of the best teachers I ever had.
The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows.