It’s Friday and I’m in Ms. Neuman’s 6th period. She gave us a test which I finished in about 20 minutes, so I’m going to write a little as everyone else finishes. She’ll probably give us the rest of the period free since it’s Friday and the last period of the day. The only problem is, she’ll give us more homework to do for the weekend. Anyway, something really weird happened first period. After Mr. Byrd checked our journals, he gave us a writing assignment. As I started working on it, he came over to my desk and asked to see me in the hall. So I get up as Cory and Abe look at me. I shrugged my shoulders because I didn’t know what I did wrong. I thought maybe he was upset about the comment I made about blowing up a doll. So we go out into the hallway and he closes the door so no one could hear us. He knows if he leaves it open, someone will try and listen to what he’s saying to me, probably Abe or James. He surprised me when he asked me if I was okay after what happened over the weekend. I kind of gave him a puzzled look because I wasn’t sure I should be talking about what had happened. He told me that Jayson was in one of his classes and when he didn’t come to class all week, he called his home last night. I guess Mrs. Williams started crying and told him what happened. For some reason she also mentioned what I had done. I guess Mr. Byrd was worried about me because I was still pretty bothered about what had happened and I didn’t say very much in class this week. Also, my journal didn’t have any funny comments which I think he enjoys reading. So he asked me again if I was okay, and I sort of started crying a little bit. I don’t know why, but I guess I’d been holding things in all week and my body decided that it was a good time to let things out. So when I started crying, Mr. Byrd sort of pulled me into him and held me. He asked me if he wanted me to have him call my father to come get me, but I told him I would be all right. He said he was very proud of me for what I’d done, but I told him I didn’t feel very proud- that it kind of hurt a little bit knowing that Jayson had tried to kill himself. He assured me that Mrs. Williams had told him that Jayson was better and getting help. So we hear a noise at the door, and we look over to see Cory, Elizabeth and Abe looking through the small window. Mr. Byrd motioned for them to go back to their seats. Elizabeth and Abe disappeared, but a couple of seconds later, Cory opens the door and comes out into the hall with us. As soon as he sees that I’ve been crying, he starts to cry too. So now Mr. Byrd holds him and lets him cry. I put my hand on his back and pat it while tears are running down my face. For the first time, I realized that Cory probably does care about his brother, even though he’s said before he doesn’t. If it’s been hard on me all week, I can only imagine what it’s been like for his family to almost lose Jayson like that. So after a minute or two, Mr. Byrd tells me and Cory to go to the bathroom down the hall and wipe our faces clean.
We don’t say anything to each other until we get inside the restroom. Since it’s during class, no one else is there. As soon as we enter, Cory grabs me and starts giving me a really big hug. I kept my hands to the side because I wasn’t sure what I should do, but finally I put my arms around him and hugged him back. He’s still sort of crying, but not as much as he was doing in the hallway. So he starts thanking me again for saving Jayson’s life. I wanted to tell him I really didn’t do anything, but he just kept thanking me. Finally, I ask him how Jayson is since I hadn’t seen him in school, and he told me he’s been staying at a clinic that deals with people who have tried to commit suicide, and that he hasn’t seen him since Sunday afternoon. He said his mother visits him everyday and she says he’s getting along all right. I asked if his dad visits and he gave me a kind of sad look. He said his father has been acting really strange since Jayson went to the hospital. He won’t go see him, and he doesn’t talk about him, which I thought was really strange. Then I get to thinking that maybe that is why Jayson tried to kill himself. I tried to ask Cory about it, but he said he didn’t want to talk about it. So now I’m more confused than ever.
One thing really good came out of this, and I know it’s wrong to about the 3769th power, but after we finished talking, I went over to the sink to wash my face off and Cory walked over to the urinal to pee. There is no partition, so when he took IT out, I could see it really well. I honestly tried not to look, but I kind of froze and watched him as he peed. He didn’t look over at me, but I know he saw me looking. He couldn’t help but see me standing just a couple of feet away and watching him. Thinking back on it, I think he was kind of rewarding me for saving his brother’s life. He has known for a while I’ve wanted to see it. We even joked about it on the phone a couple of weeks ago. So I think he let me see it. It was long and not circumcised like mine, and it seemed to grow a little as he let me watch him pee. I thought he was going to let it get all the way hard, but then he chickened out and put it away before it did. He was probably afraid someone might walk in and catch us. He didn’t say anything to me when he washed his hands, and I definitely wasn’t going to say anything. I’m just glad he did it because I’ve wanted to see IT for a long time and he finally showed it to me. The only problem is, I’ve had to walk around with my book bag in front of me all day. Even now, Cory is sitting beside me finishing his test and I’m really extra excited. I was going to ask Ms. Neuman if I could go to the bathroom, but Larry Finkle got caught last year doing IT in the bathroom by two other boys, and everyone in school knew about it before school was even out. So I think I’ll just wait until I get home, if I can wait that long.
Okay. Ms. Neuman just wrote the homework assignment on the board, so I am going to start on it so I won’t have too much homework this weekend. IF GOD HAD INTENDED US NOT TO DO IT, HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN US SHORTER ARMS. If you’re read this Mr. Byrd, I’m talking about eating with our fingers.
It’s Saturday afternoon and I wasn’t going to write, but now I feel like writing something down because sometimes writing in this journal kind of puts things in perspective and helps me understand things better. Something has really been bothering me and it’s something I thought I’d never really think about, at least not since I’m only 16. But I don’t understand why Jayson tried to end his life? I just don’t understand it at all. I know that life can sometimes be pretty bad, but so bad that a person wants to end it? I mean what can be so bad that someone like Jayson can’t find a reason to live? I’ve never given this much thought, but life is kind of a really special thing if you think about it. I’ve never really thought much about how we got here, but we are here, that is what is important. I mean, just look at everything and how it works. I’m sitting here right now breathing air and it gives me life. Wow. That is kind of remarkable, right? If you really really think about it, life is really kind of special. I mean we are only in this life for a second if you think about time as being eternal, which I don’t even want to consider at this moment. I’m already having trouble dealing with everything else. But when I think about Jayson and why he wanted to kill himself, I really think he got life and living all confused. Living can be really really difficult sometimes. But it always gets better, right? Bad things can’t go on forever in someone’s life, can they? So why kill yourself and end your life, then you won’t be able to live to enjoy life again. Okay, this is really getting confusing. I mean I read all the time about people who went through some really tragic things in their life, but they lived and were glad they lived. So if Jayson tried to kill himself because he is gay, then what if people find out and it’s not so bad as he thinks. Or if it is, does that still mean he can’t live a happy life? So okay, if his family and friends all turn against him, that would be a horrible thing to happen. But what if he lived it out, and later finds someone who is really special, someone like Perry. Then he falls in love with that person and his life will be happy again. But if he died last Saturday, then he would never ever know what might have been. That is what is really bothering me. I get really scared when I think about what if Jayson had died. Then his life would be over. His family would be hurt and his friends would attend his funeral and say some nice things about him, but then they would forget about him in time. But he did live, and I hope that someday he really really regrets feeling like he did. I hope someday when he’s an old man and death is really approaching, that he looks back on his life and decides that his life was worth living, and that trying to end it when he was 18 was the stupidest thing he ever did in his life.
I’m going to go call Perry. Writing this really got me depressed and scared. Perry knows what to say to make me feel better. Actually, he doesn’t even have to say anything to make me feel better. Just knowing he likes me and cares about me is all I really need. I like how my life is going right now, and I hope that someday Jayson will be able to say the same thing. When I do talk to him someday about what happened, I’m going to really get mad at him for doing what he did. WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU A HUNDRED REASONS TO CRY, SHOW LIFE YOU HAVE A THOUSANDS REASONS TO SMILE.
It’s Sunday morning and I just got through eating breakfast with Mom and Dad. They’re really excited about our trip to London. School ends next Friday for Christmas break. We are off for two weeks and don’t have to start back until January 2. So we are flying to New York on Tuesday, December 20, then to London the next day. We’re staying a week and then flying home on December 27. So we’ll be in London on Christmas day, and Mom says we’ll go to Trafalgar Square on Christmas Eve. That is so cool. I am getting really excited about it too. I wish I had some money so I could buy my parents a really nice gift to show them how much I appreciate what they do for me. But Mom says that being a good son and making good grades in school is the best gift I can give them. I had to hold back some tears when she said that. So only 16 more days and I’ll be on a flight to London. I’m still worried a little bit about flying over the Atlantic, but Dad says I won’t even think about it because they show movies during the flight. I hope it’s something good that keeps me distracted from thinking about being on a plane flying over the ocean.
With everything going on, I also realized earlier that I only have two more weeks to write in this journal. Mr. Byrd told us today he’ll grade us on the 16th for keeping the journal. I don’t know how he’s going to grade us since he says he doesn’t read them. But I better get a good grade because I’ve really written a lot of personal things in this. I want to keep it and read it again someday, but I’m really afraid someone will find it. I’d be really embarrassed if Mom found it and read what I said about Little Reggie. I’d never ever be able to look her in the face again if she did. So anyway, I’ve decided not to keep writing in this thing when I don’t have to. I’ve got way too much to do now. School is going to get even worse after the holidays. The teachers are already warning us about upcoming projects. Then I still have to volunteer at the crisis center for at least the next few months. I’ve already completed about half the hours that I need. And most importantly- I’ll be getting my driver’s license at the end of January or early February at the latest. I hope. Then I have to find a part-time job to show Dad I’m responsible enough to get a car. I hope if I can make enough to put gas in it and maybe pay for my insurance, then he’ll let me. I figure a few weeks of some serious whining and I can convince him to let me buy a car. Maybe my grandmother will help me convince him since she’s on my side about this. At least I think she is since she gave me money to buy a car. So hopefully, the two of us can get on his nerves enough to let me buy one. I may be growing up, but I still know what I have to do to get what I want. If all else fails I can use the being a good son approach, which would make me feel guilty, but desperate times require desperate measures.
Last night at the crisis center, I sat and talked with Mavis mostly about Jayson. She’s still very worried about him. She visits his house everyday, but she can’t see him at the center he’s in. I asked her where he is, but she said that no one will tell her anything except that he’s getting help. I guess they’re afraid she’ll try and visit him. She also said that Mr. Williams is acting really strange since Jayson tried to kill himself. She said anytime Jayson’s name comes up, he gets upset and leaves the room. Cory said he was acting strange too. Last week when he came in the hospital, he didn’t seem like a very friendly man. I’d met Cory’s mom a lot of times at school events, but it was the first time I’d seen him. I guess he goes to a lot of the games that Jayson plays, but since I’m not into sports, I never go. I have a feeling that by the things I’ve heard about him, he may be some of Jayson’s problem. I hope wherever he is, they can help him deal with it. I sure don’t want him calling the Talk Line again and telling me he’s tried to kill himself again.
Something did happen last night which made me feel good. Mrs. Armstrong had me take a call from a boy who called around 9. He said his name was Davey. He sounded really young, maybe 12 or 13. He was crying and saying that he was being bullied in school and he didn’t know what to do. He said the kids kept calling him a sissy and a queer. He said they were starting to get physical because he was getting picked on and they were pushing him into lockers and stealing his books. So I asked him if he’d told his parents and he said he was scared to say anything to them. It took me about 15 minutes to convince him that he had to talk to his parents and tell them what was going on. Finally, he promised me he would and then he hung up. Mrs. Armstrong came out and told me I did really well talking to him and that I gave him good advice which made me feel proud of myself. So anyway, he calls back about an hour later and tells me he told his parents what was happening at school. He said they got upset about it and they are going to visit the principal to see if she can get the other students to stop bullying him. I told him to call me on Wednesday and let me know what happened. He said he would. I hope so because I think he may be gay and I can help him with that too if he needs someone to talk to. So I’m kind of proud of myself. The thing with Jayson made me think I didn’t want to do this anymore, but Davey kind of made me realize that I’m doing something really special by volunteering at the crisis center. I guess I can see that I’m making a difference in someone’s life, and it kind of makes me feel good about that. I HEARD YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND. SO WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE DIAPER?
Since it’s getting to the end of this thing, I better do something to make Mr. Byrd laugh if I want a good grade.
This is like the best day of my whole life!!! I know it’s been a really bad week, but today made up for it. It’s Wednesday and I came home from school and I was in my room working on my homework and Mom came home and called me downstairs. She was smiling really big and I could tell she was excited about something, but she kept playing this little game. She asked me what would make me happier than anything in the world. So I thought a minute and I got excited because I thought her and Dad had decided to buy me a car. So I jumped around and asked her if they did. She laughed and told me no, which made me feel disappointed. Then she asked me was there anything else, so I thought a minute and told her I couldn’t think of anything. Then she asked me how I would like it if Perry went with us to London on vacation. So I just stood and looked at her like I was stupid or something because it was something I’d never even thought about. So she laughed and asked me again. So I said, “Really?” And she laughed and said he was going with us. Then I ran over and gave her a really big hug and we sort of danced around the kitchen for a minute. She told me to sit down and she explained why Perry was going with us. She said she and Mrs. Morgan were having lunch together and Perry’s mom asked what we were doing for Christmas. Mom told her about the trip to London and how excited she was about going. Then Mom told her she was a little worried about me not having much fun just going with her and Dad, and Mrs. Morgan kind of joked about Perry going with us. Mom didn’t think it was a joke, but a good idea. So they really talked about Perry going, and they decided that if he wanted to go, and I wanted him to go, then he could. I asked Mom about a passport, and she said he already had one because they went to Australia three years ago, which he didn’t tell me about. So if Perry wants to go with us, he can. If he says no, I won’t ever talk to him again. Well, maybe not until I get back from London, anyways. I want to call him to see if he’s talked to his mother yet about going, but I’m afraid to call. I want her to be the one to say something to him just in case he doesn’t know about it and he doesn’t want to go. He might want to spend Christmas with his family. I can understand that since we haven’t known each other very long. But still, I have my fingers crossed that he wants to go.
He’s going!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He called me and told me what his mother said and he’s really really excited. He kept saying we’re going to have so much fun. I was so excited that I wanted to climb through the phone and give him a giant hug. I know I’m going to want to do it when I see him on the bus in the morning. I hope I have kind of calmed down by then. So we talked about some of the things we wanted to do. Neither of us know much about London, so we are both going to do a search tonight to find some cool sights to go to. I know I want to see Big Ben and The Tower of London. Perry said he wants to go to Piccadilly Circus and Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum. I know Mom and Dad will want to go to Buckingham Palace, and Dad will definitely want to go to Westminster Abbey since a lot of famous writers are buried there. So Perry and I will be spending the next two weeks making a list of places we want to go. And the best part- Perry and I get our own room!!!!!!! When I asked him if he’d be uncomfortable sharing a room with me, Mom and Dad, he said his mom and my mom already talked about them getting a suite with separate bedrooms. So now I’m really really excited because I’m going to be sleeping in the same bed with Perry. And if he wants to do something, I’m going to do it. We’ll just have to be really really quiet so we don’t make any noise. You wouldn’t believe how hard Little Reggie is right now. I’m going to call Perry back and kind of see how he feels about sleeping with me. I don’t want to spend the next two weeks worried about doing something that will ruin the whole trip. I don’t want to make a mistake and he tells Mom and Dad. I don’t think he’d do that, but I still want to have a good time. If I spend it worrying about what to do when I get into bed with him, I’ll never get any sleep. So I’m going to go call him and kind of see what he thinks.
Okay. I’m going to take a big chance here and hope Mr. Byrd doesn’t read this, but Perry wants to have sex with me. He told me. I went online to see if I could chat with him. He was online, so I asked him if he had done any research yet on where he wanted to go, and he told me he was doing that. So then I told him it would be cool to see the hotel we were staying, so we found it. Then we found the suite where we would stay and it showed the bedrooms. The were really big with a king size bed. So I joked and said we’d probably get lost on a bed that big, and he said he’d find me somehow. So I joked back and said I’d be waiting. And he said, “really?” and I said “yes.” Then he told me I’d be too scared, and I told him I wouldn’t be, and he said “really?” So I got all brave and my hands shook as I asked him if he wants to sleep naked. I didn’t want to come right out and ask him if he wanted to have sex just in case he didn’t. I got kind of nervous when he didn’t respond right away. I was relieved when he wrote, ‘yes.’ Of course, Little Reggie came to life and I giggled and told Perry. He said Little Perry was awake too. Then he asked me if I really wanted to do something with him, and I couldn’t type ‘yes’ fast enough. He told me he’s been thinking about doing something with me, too. So now I’m really really excited because I’m going to London with Perry and we’re going to sleep naked in a big king sized bed together alone in our own room. So I’m hoping that this trip to London will be more than just a sightseeing tour with a friend. And Mr. Byrd, if you’re reading this, I’ve made all of this up. None of it is true. I LOVE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH YOUR HAIR. HOW DID YOU GET IT TO COME OUT OF ONE NOSTRIL LIKE THAT?
It’s Thursday and I’m in Mrs. Griffin’s lit class. We’re supposed to be reading a short story, but since she said we wouldn’t discuss it until tomorrow, I thought I’d write about what happened at lunch and then read it tonight before I go to bed. So at lunch, Cory was behind me and Perry in line, and after we got our food, he asked me if we could go sit together somewhere else so he could talk to me. I didn’t want Perry to eat without me, so I asked Cory if he could join us. He didn’t act like he wanted him to, but he finally said okay. So we go across the cafeteria to an empty table. As soon as we sat down, Beverly came over and asked us what is wrong, and Cory got kind of upset and told her to mind her own business. He apologized, but it was obvious he had hurt her feelings. So she left, and we ate quietly for a minute. I know he wanted to talk, but he wouldn’t since Perry was with us. So I ask Perry if he’d go eat with Beverly. Perry is smart, so he kind of picked up on what was going on, so he leaves. After a couple of minutes when I see that Cory isn’t going to say anything, I ask him what’s wrong. He told me he didn’t want to ask me, but he’d promised Jayson he would, but if I wanted to say no he would understand. So I kind of laughed and told him he wasn’t making a lot of sense. So he told me that Jayson came home last night. He said things were really tense around his house because his father seemed like he didn’t want him there. So Cory said he was in bed and getting ready to go to sleep when Jayson came into his room. Jayson said he was upset and kind of crying a little bit. Cory got worried because he was afraid Jayson was going to do something to himself again because he was all upset. Cory said they talked for about an hour, but he wouldn’t tell me what they talked about. He said it was the first time he’d actually liked his brother. Jayson even apologized for being such a bad brother. So anyways, Cory said that before Jayson went back to his room, he asked him if he’d talk to me and see if I’d meet with him this weekend to talk. When I asked him about what, he wouldn’t tell me. He just kind of looked at me like he was begging me to do it. Okay. Now Cory is really cute and I’ve had the biggest crush on him for several years. He could ask me to jump off the school roof and I would do it. But meeting his brother to talk? That I’m not too sure I want to do. I’ve kind of put all of that out of my mind. I want to go to London in 12 days and I don’t want him to ruin it. What if he tells me he wants to kill himself again. I couldn’t leave worrying about whether he’s going to get drunk and take pills again. But then I’d feel guilty if I didn’t talk to him and he did something. Then I’d spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn’t because maybe I could have said something to prevent him from doing it. So Cory waited for my answer with that cute pleading look. So he finally smiled when I told him okay. He told me he’d talk to Jayson tonight and then call me and let me know when we can meet. I asked him if he would be there, and he told me he thought it was best if he wasn’t because Jayson may say things to me he wouldn’t say if he was there.
I know Perry is going to want to know what Cory said to me, so I don’t think I’d be violating anything if I told him. He already knows what happened because I told him last Sunday when he came over and got in bed with me. Oh, man. I just realized. He got in bed with me and he told me he’d been thinking about doing something with me. I wish he would have said something then. I was too upset to do anything anyway, so I probably would have told him no and hurt his feelings. Then we may never have done anything.
Okay. I got enough words for this week, so I’ll just say that Cory called me a few minutes ago. Jayson wants to meet me on Sunday. He’s going to pick me up at 1 and we’re going to go some place to talk. Cory said his mom will call my mom tomorrow to make sure it’s okay with her. I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight. YOUR MOMMA IS SO STUPID, SHE WALKED PAST A YMCA AND SAID, “LOOK! THEY SPELLED MACY’S WRONG.”