Reggie's Journal
Entry #15
It’s Friday and I’m in Ms. Neuman’s 6th period. She gave us a test which I finished in
about 20 minutes, so I’m going to write a little as everyone else finishes. She’ll
probably give us the rest of the period free since it’s Friday and the last period of the
day. The only problem is, she’ll give us more homework to do for the weekend.
Anyway, something really weird happened first period. After Mr. Byrd checked our
journals, he gave us a writing assignment. As I started working on it, he came over
to my desk and asked to see me in the hall. So I get up as Cory and Abe look at me.
I shrugged my shoulders because I didn’t know what I did wrong. I thought maybe
he was upset about the comment I made about blowing up a doll. So we go out into
the hallway and he closes the door so no one could hear us. He knows if he leaves it
open, someone will try and listen to what he’s saying to me, probably Abe or James.
He surprised me when he asked me if I was okay after what happened over the
weekend. I kind of gave him a puzzled look because I wasn’t sure I should be talking
about what had happened. He told me that Jayson was in one of his classes and
when he didn’t come to class all week, he called his home last night. I guess Mrs.
Williams started crying and told him what happened. For some reason she also
mentioned what I had done. I guess Mr. Byrd was worried about me because I was
still pretty bothered about what had happened and I didn’t say very much in class
this week. Also, my journal didn’t have any funny comments which I think he enjoys
reading. So he asked me again if I was okay, and I sort of started crying a little bit. I
don’t know why, but I guess I’d been holding things in all week and my body decided
that it was a good time to let things out. So when I started crying, Mr. Byrd sort of
pulled me into him and held me. He asked me if he wanted me to have him call my
father to come get me, but I told him I would be all right. He said he was very proud
of me for what I’d done, but I told him I didn’t feel very proud- that it kind of hurt a
little bit knowing that Jayson had tried to kill himself. He assured me that Mrs.
Williams had told him that Jayson was better and getting help. So we hear a noise at
the door, and we look over to see Cory, Elizabeth and Abe looking through the small
window. Mr. Byrd motioned for them to go back to their seats. Elizabeth and Abe
disappeared, but a couple of seconds later, Cory opens the door and comes out into
the hall with us. As soon as he sees that I’ve been crying, he starts to cry too. So
now Mr. Byrd holds him and lets him cry. I put my hand on his back and pat it while
tears are running down my face. For the first time, I realized that Cory probably does
care about his brother, even though he’s said before he doesn’t. If it’s been hard on
me all week, I can only imagine what it’s been like for his family to almost lose   
Jayson like that. So after a minute or two, Mr. Byrd tells me and Cory to go to the
bathroom down the hall and wipe our faces clean.

We don’t say anything to each other until we get inside the restroom. Since it’s
during class, no one else is there. As soon as we enter, Cory grabs me and starts
giving me a really big hug. I kept my hands to the side because I wasn’t sure what I
should do, but finally I put my arms around him and hugged him back. He’s still sort
of crying, but not as much as he was doing in the hallway. So he starts thanking me
again for saving Jayson’s life. I wanted to tell him I really didn’t do anything, but he
just kept thanking me. Finally, I ask him how Jayson is since I hadn’t seen him in
school, and he told me he’s been staying at a clinic that deals with people who have
tried to commit suicide, and that he hasn’t seen him since Sunday afternoon. He said
his mother visits him everyday and she says he’s getting along all right. I asked if his
dad visits and he gave me a kind of sad look. He said his father has been acting really
strange since Jayson went to the hospital. He won’t go see him, and he doesn’t talk
about him, which I thought was really strange. Then I get to thinking that maybe
that is why Jayson tried to kill himself. I tried to ask Cory about it, but he said he
didn’t want to talk about it. So now I’m more confused than ever.

One thing really good came out of this, and I know it’s wrong to about the 3769th
power, but after we finished talking, I went over to the sink to wash my face off and
Cory walked over to the urinal to pee. There is no partition, so when he took IT out, I
could see it really well. I honestly tried not to look, but I kind of froze and watched
him as he peed. He didn’t look over at me, but I know he saw me looking. He couldn’t
help but see me standing just a couple of feet away and watching him. Thinking back
on it, I think he was kind of rewarding me for saving his brother’s life. He has known
for a while I’ve wanted to see it. We even joked about it on the phone a couple of
weeks ago. So I think he let me see it. It was long and not circumcised like mine, and
it seemed to grow a little as he let me watch him pee. I thought he was going to let it
get all the way hard, but then he chickened out and put it away before it did. He was
probably afraid someone might walk in and catch us. He didn’t say anything to me
when he washed his hands, and I definitely wasn’t going to say anything. I’m just
glad he did it because I’ve wanted to see IT for a long time and he finally showed it to
me. The only problem is, I’ve had to walk around with my book bag in front of me all
day. Even now, Cory is sitting beside me finishing his test and I’m really extra
excited. I was going to ask Ms. Neuman if I could go to the bathroom, but Larry
Finkle got caught last year doing IT in the bathroom by two other boys, and
everyone in school knew about it before school was even out. So I think I’ll just wait
until I get home, if I can wait that long.

Okay. Ms. Neuman just wrote the homework assignment on the board, so I am going
to start on it so I won’t have too much homework this weekend.
                           IF GOD HAD INTENDED US NOT TO DO IT,
                           HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN US SHORTER ARMS.
If you’re read this Mr. Byrd, I’m talking about eating with our fingers.

It’s Saturday afternoon and I wasn’t going to write, but now I feel like writing
something down because sometimes writing in this journal kind of puts things in
perspective and helps me understand things better. Something has really been
bothering me and it’s something I thought   I’d never really think about, at least not
since I’m only 16. But I don’t understand why Jayson tried to end his life? I just   
don’t understand it at all. I know that life can sometimes be pretty bad, but so bad
that a person wants to end it? I mean what can be so bad that someone like Jayson
can’t find a reason to live? I’ve never given this much thought, but life is kind of a
really special thing if you think about it. I’ve never really thought much about how we
got here, but we are here, that is what is important. I mean, just look at everything
and how it works. I’m sitting here right now breathing air and it gives me life. Wow.
That is kind of remarkable, right? If you really really think about it, life is really kind   
of special. I mean we are only in this life for a second if you think about time as being
eternal, which I  don’t even want to consider at this moment. I’m already having
trouble dealing with everything else. But when I think about Jayson and why he
wanted to kill himself, I really think he got life and living all confused. Living can be
really really difficult sometimes. But it always gets better, right? Bad things can’t go
on forever in someone’s life, can they? So why kill yourself and end your life, then
you won’t be able to live to enjoy life again. Okay, this is really getting confusing. I
mean I read all the time about people who went through some really tragic things in
their life, but they lived and were glad they lived. So if Jayson tried to kill himself
because he is gay, then what if people find out and it’s not so bad as he thinks. Or if
it is, does that still mean he can’t live a happy life? So okay, if his family and friends
all turn against him, that would be a horrible thing to happen. But what if he lived it
out, and later finds someone who is really special, someone like Perry. Then he falls    
in love with that person and his life will be happy again. But if he died last Saturday,
then he would never ever know what might have been. That is what is really
bothering me. I get really scared when I think about what if Jayson had died. Then
his life would be over. His family would be hurt and his friends would attend his
funeral and say some nice things about him, but then they would forget about him in
time. But he did live, and I hope that someday he really really regrets feeling like he
did. I hope someday when he’s an old man and death is really approaching, that he
looks back on his life and decides that his life was worth living, and that trying to end
it when he was 18 was the stupidest thing he ever did in his life.

I’m going to go call Perry. Writing this really got me depressed and scared. Perry
knows what to say to make me feel better. Actually, he doesn’t even have to say
anything to make me feel better. Just knowing he likes me and cares about me is all I
really need. I like how my life is going right now, and I hope that someday Jayson will
be able to say the same thing. When I do talk to him someday about what happened,
I’m going to really get mad at him for doing what he did.

It’s Sunday morning and I just got through eating breakfast with Mom and Dad.
They’re really excited about our trip to London. School ends next Friday for
Christmas break. We are off for two weeks and  don’t have to start back until
January 2. So we are flying to New York on Tuesday, December 20, then to London
the next day. We’re staying a week and then flying home on December 27. So we’ll
be in London on Christmas day, and Mom says we’ll go to Trafalgar Square on
Christmas Eve. That is so cool. I am getting really excited about it too. I wish I had
some money so I could buy my parents a really nice gift to show them how much I
appreciate what they do for me. But Mom says that being a good son and making
good grades in school is the best gift I can give them. I had to hold back some tears
when she said that. So only 16 more days and  I’ll be on a flight to London. I’m still
worried a little bit about flying over the Atlantic, but Dad says I won’t even think
about it because they show movies during the flight. I hope it’s something good that
keeps me distracted from thinking about being on a plane flying over the ocean.

With everything going on, I also realized earlier that I only have two more weeks to
write in this journal. Mr. Byrd told us today he’ll grade us on the 16th for keeping the
journal. I don’t know how he’s going to grade us since he says he doesn’t read
them. But I better get a good grade because I’ve really written a lot of personal
things in this.  I want to keep it and read it again someday, but I’m really afraid
someone will find it. I’d be really embarrassed if Mom found it and read what I said
about Little Reggie. I’d never ever be able to look her in the face again if she did. So
anyway, I’ve decided not to keep writing in this thing when I don’t have to. I’ve got
way too much to do now. School is going to get even worse after the holidays. The
teachers are already warning us about upcoming projects. Then I still have to
volunteer at the crisis center for at least the next few months. I’ve already completed
about half the hours that I need. And most importantly- I’ll be getting my driver’s
license at the end of January or early February at the latest. I hope. Then I have to
find a part-time job to show Dad I’m responsible enough to get a car. I hope if I can
make enough to put gas in it and maybe pay for my insurance, then he’ll let me. I
figure a few weeks of some serious whining and I can convince him to let me buy a
car. Maybe my grandmother will help me convince him since she’s on my side about
this. At least I think she is since she gave me money to buy a car. So hopefully, the
two of us can get on his nerves enough to let me buy one. I may be growing up, but
I still know what I have to do to get what I want. If all else fails I can use the being a
good son approach, which would make me feel guilty, but desperate times require
desperate measures.

Last night at the crisis center, I sat and talked with Mavis mostly about Jayson. She’s
still very worried about him. She visits his house everyday, but she can’t see him at
the center he’s in. I asked her where he is, but she said that no one will tell her
anything except that he’s getting help. I guess they’re afraid she’ll try and visit him.
She also said that Mr. Williams is acting really strange since Jayson tried to kill
himself. She said anytime Jayson’s name comes up, he gets upset and leaves the
room. Cory said he was acting strange too. Last week when he came in the hospital,
he didn’t seem like a very friendly man. I’d met Cory’s mom a lot of times at school
events, but it was the first time I’d seen him. I guess he goes to a lot of the games
that Jayson plays, but since  I’m not into sports, I never go. I have a feeling that by
the things I’ve heard about him, he may be some of Jayson’s problem. I hope
wherever he is, they can help him deal with it. I sure don’t want him calling the Talk
Line again and telling me he’s tried to kill himself again.

Something did happen last night which made me feel good. Mrs. Armstrong had me
take a call from a boy who called around 9. He said his name was Davey. He sounded
really young, maybe 12 or 13. He was crying and saying that he was being bullied in
school and he didn’t know what to do. He said the kids kept calling him a sissy and a
queer. He said they were starting to get physical because he was getting picked on
and they were pushing him into lockers and stealing his books. So I asked him if he’d
told his parents and he said he was scared to say anything to them. It took me
about 15 minutes to convince him that he had to talk to his parents and tell them
what was going on. Finally, he promised me he would and then he hung up. Mrs.
Armstrong came out and told me I did really well talking to him and that I gave him
good advice which made me feel proud of myself. So anyway, he calls back about an
hour later and tells me he told his parents what was happening at school. He said
they got upset about it and they are going to visit the principal to see if she can get
the other students to stop bullying him. I told him to call me on Wednesday and let
me know what happened. He said he would. I hope so because I think he may be gay
and I can help him with that too if he needs someone to talk to. So I’m kind of proud
of myself. The thing with Jayson made me think I didn’t want to do this anymore, but
Davey kind of made me realize that I’m doing something really special by  
volunteering at the crisis center. I guess I can see that I’m making a difference in
someone’s life, and it kind of makes me feel good about that.
                          SO WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE DIAPER?

Since it’s getting to the end of this thing, I better do something to make Mr. Byrd
laugh if I want a good grade.

This is like the best day of my whole life!!! I know it’s been a really bad week, but
today made up for it. It’s Wednesday and I came home from school and I was in my
room working on my homework and Mom came home and called me downstairs. She
was smiling really big and I could tell she was excited about something, but she kept
playing this little game. She asked me what would make me happier than anything in
the world. So I thought a minute and I got excited because I thought her and Dad
had decided to buy me a car. So I jumped around and asked her if they did. She
laughed and told me no, which made me feel disappointed. Then she asked me was
there anything else, so I thought a minute and told her I couldn’t think of anything.
Then she asked me how I would like it if Perry went with us to London on vacation.
So I just stood and looked at her like I was stupid or something because it was
something I’d never even thought about. So she laughed and asked me again. So I
said, “Really?” And she laughed and said he was going with us. Then I ran over and
gave her a really big hug and we sort of danced around the kitchen for a minute. She
told me to sit down and she explained why Perry was going with us. She said she
and Mrs. Morgan were having lunch together and Perry’s mom asked what we were
doing for Christmas. Mom told her about the trip to London and how excited she was
about going. Then Mom told her she was a little worried about me not having much
fun just going with her and Dad, and Mrs. Morgan kind of joked about Perry going
with us. Mom didn’t think it was a joke, but a good idea. So they really talked about
Perry going, and they decided that if he wanted to go, and I wanted him to go, then
he could. I asked Mom about a passport, and she said he already had one because
they went to Australia three years ago, which he didn’t tell me about. So if Perry
wants to go with us, he can. If he says no, I won’t ever talk to him again. Well,
maybe not until I get back from London, anyways. I want to call him to see if he’s
talked to his mother yet about going, but I’m afraid to call. I want her to be the one
to say something to him just in case he doesn’t know about it and he doesn’t want
to go. He might want to spend Christmas with his family. I can understand that since
we haven’t known each other very long. But still, I have my fingers crossed that he
wants to go.

He’s going!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He called me and told me what his mother said and   
he’s really really excited. He kept saying we’re going to have so much fun. I was so
excited that I wanted to climb through the phone and give him a giant hug. I know    
I’m going to want to do it when I see him on the bus in the morning. I hope I have
kind of calmed down by then. So we talked about some of the things we wanted to
do. Neither of us know much about London, so we are both going to do a search
tonight to find some cool sights to go to. I know I want to see Big Ben and The
Tower of London. Perry said he wants to go to Piccadilly Circus and Madame   
Tussaud’s Wax Museum. I know Mom and Dad will want to go to Buckingham Palace,
and Dad will definitely want to go to Westminster Abbey since a lot of famous writers
are buried there. So Perry and I will be spending the next two weeks making a list of
places we want to go. And the best part- Perry and I get our own room!!!!!!! When I
asked him if he’d be uncomfortable sharing a room with me, Mom and Dad, he said
his mom and my mom already talked about them getting a suite with separate
bedrooms. So now I’m really really excited because I’m going to be sleeping in the
same bed with Perry. And if he wants to do something, I’m going to do it. We’ll just
have to be really really quiet so we don’t make any noise. You wouldn’t believe how
hard Little Reggie is right now. I’m going to call Perry back and kind of see how he
feels about sleeping with me. I don’t want to spend the next two weeks worried
about doing something that will ruin the whole trip. I don’t want to make a mistake
and he tells Mom and Dad. I don’t think he’d do that, but I still want to have a good
time. If I spend it worrying about what to do when I get into bed with him, I’ll never
get any sleep. So I’m going to go call him and kind of see what he thinks.

Okay. I’m going to take a big chance here and hope Mr. Byrd doesn’t read this, but
Perry wants to have sex with me. He told me. I went online to see if I could chat with
him. He was online, so I asked him if he had done any research yet on where he
wanted to go, and he told me he was doing that. So then I told him it would be cool
to see the hotel we were staying, so we found it. Then we found the suite where we
would stay and it showed the bedrooms. The were really big with a king size bed. So
I joked and said we’d probably get lost on a bed that big, and he said  he’d find me
somehow. So I joked back and said I’d be waiting. And he said, “really?” and I said
“yes.” Then he told me I’d be too scared, and I told him I wouldn’t be, and he said
“really?” So I got all brave and my hands shook as I asked him if he wants to sleep
naked. I didn’t want to come right out and ask him if he wanted to have sex just in
case he didn’t. I got kind of nervous when he didn’t respond right away. I was
relieved when he wrote, ‘yes.’ Of course, Little Reggie came to life and I giggled and
told Perry. He said Little Perry was awake too. Then he asked me if I really wanted to
do something with him, and I couldn’t type ‘yes’ fast enough. He told me he’s been
thinking about doing something with me, too. So now I’m really really excited
because I’m going to London with Perry and we’re going to sleep naked in a big king
sized bed together alone in our own room. So I’m hoping that this trip to London will
be more than just a sightseeing tour with a friend. And Mr. Byrd, if you’re reading
this, I’ve made all of this up. None of it is true.

It’s Thursday and I’m in Mrs. Griffin’s lit class. We’re supposed to be reading a short
story, but since she said we wouldn’t discuss it until tomorrow, I thought I’d write
about what happened at lunch and then read it tonight before I go to bed. So at
lunch, Cory was behind me and Perry in line, and after we got our food, he asked me
if we could go sit together somewhere else so he could talk to me. I didn’t want Perry
to eat without me, so I asked Cory if he could join us. He  didn’t act like he wanted
him to, but he finally said okay. So we go across the cafeteria to an empty table. As
soon as we sat down, Beverly came over and asked us what is wrong, and Cory got
kind of upset and told her to mind her own business. He apologized, but it was
obvious he had hurt her feelings. So she left, and we ate quietly for a minute. I know
he wanted to talk, but he wouldn’t since Perry was with us. So I ask Perry if he’d go
eat with Beverly. Perry is smart, so he kind of picked up on what was going on, so he
leaves. After a couple of minutes when I see that Cory isn’t going to say anything, I
ask him what’s wrong. He told me he didn’t want to ask me, but he’d promised
Jayson he would, but if I wanted to say no he would understand. So I kind of
laughed and told him he wasn’t making a lot of sense. So he told me that Jayson
came home last night. He said things were really tense around his house because his
father seemed like he didn’t want him there. So Cory said he was in bed and getting
ready to go to sleep when Jayson came into his room. Jayson said he was upset and
kind of crying a little bit. Cory got worried because he was afraid Jayson was going to
do something to himself again because he was all upset. Cory said they talked for
about an hour, but he wouldn’t tell me what they talked about. He said it was the
first time he’d actually liked his brother. Jayson even apologized for being such a bad
brother. So anyways, Cory said that before Jayson went back to his room, he asked
him if he’d talk to me and see if I’d meet with him this weekend to talk. When I asked
him about what, he wouldn’t tell me. He just kind of looked at me like he was begging
me to do it. Okay. Now Cory is really cute and I’ve had the biggest crush on him for
several years. He could ask me to jump off the school roof and I would do it. But
meeting his brother to talk? That I’m not too sure I want to do. I’ve kind of put all of
that out of my mind. I want to go to London in 12 days and I don’t want him to ruin
it. What if he tells me he wants to kill himself again. I couldn’t leave worrying about
whether he’s going to get drunk and take pills again. But then I’d feel guilty if I didn’t
talk to him and he did something. Then I’d spend the rest of my life regretting that I
didn’t because maybe I could have said something to prevent him from doing it. So
Cory waited for my answer with that cute pleading look. So he finally smiled when I
told him okay. He told me he’d talk to Jayson tonight and then call me and let me
know when we can meet. I asked him if he would be there, and he told me he
thought it was best if he wasn’t because Jayson may say things to me he wouldn’t
say if he was there.

I know Perry is going to want to know what Cory said to me, so I don’t think I’d be
violating anything if I told him. He already knows what happened because I told him
last Sunday when he came over and got in bed with me. Oh, man. I just realized. He
got in bed with me and he told me he’d been thinking about doing something with
me. I wish he would have said something then. I was too upset to do anything
anyway, so I probably would have told him no and hurt his feelings. Then we may
never have done anything.

Okay. I got enough words for this week, so I’ll just say that Cory called me a few
minutes ago. Jayson wants to meet me on Sunday. He’s going to pick me up at 1
and   we’re going to go some place to talk. Cory said his mom will call my mom
tomorrow to make sure it’s okay with her. I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight.


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