Jesus. I didn’t know what the hell to do after leaving Rachel’s house. I had this
really huge lump in the pit of my stomach. I felt vomit rise up into my mouth
several times, and I thought I was going to have to pull my truck over and heave
on the side of the road.
I drove around for an hour, afraid to go home. When I did, I saw Kenny sitting on
the porch waiting for me. I started to speed up and drive away, but he smiled
when he saw me approach, got up and waved. My worst fear had been realized.
Alise had told him and he now wanted details.
“Yeah, Kenny, it was fucking fantastic. I stuck the old cockaroo in her and fucked
her brains out for hours. It’s a good thing her parents weren’t home because she
was screaming so loud for me to fuck her deeper. She couldn’t walk when I got
finished. I’d have fucked her again, but I didn’t have any more condoms.” I would
have given my left nut to be able to brag like that.
“Well?” he asked with anticipation. When I ignored him, he said, “How was it?”
I pushed my way past him and headed for the deck behind the house. “I don’t
know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
He ran beside me like a little chimpanzee. “Come on, Zac. It’s me, Kenny. Alise
said that you and Rachel were going to do it tonight.” He put his finger inside a
hole he had made with his other hand.
“She was wrong,” I said angrily as I sat down on the lounge chair. Kenny sat
beside me, looking over expectantly at me. I guess he figured I would tell him
soon about losing my virginity.
“Was she a good lay?” he asked when he realized I wasn’t going to say anything
I looked over angrily. “I said I’m not going to talk about it.”
“So you did fuck her then?” he asked hopefully. I realized that I had just intimated
that something did happen.
He started jumping up and down in his seat like a bratty little five year old. “Come
on, Zac. This ain’t fair,” he whined. “I told you about the first time me and Alise
“I didn’t tell you to,” I replied sharply as I laid my head back and closed my eyes.
I just wanted him to go away.
“But I still told you,” he whined again. “Did you have fun?” I threw my hand over
my ears and pretended not to hear him.
“I know,” he snapped his fingers. “She chickened out and wouldn’t give you any.”
His voice became sympathetic. “Don’t worry. It happens sometimes. She’ll give it
up the next time, I bet.”
I looked over and rolled my eyes as he sat back, smiling proudly. He thought he
had figured the whole thing out. He turned his head toward me. “You know there
is always other girls. If Rachel won’t give it up, then you can date someone else.
We got to get you laid before we go away to college.”
We sat quietly for a few minutes before his cell phone rang. “Hey Alise,” he said.
He listened to her for a minute, then turned and gave me a puzzled look. “I’m with
him now,” he whispered into the phone. He didn’t speak as she continued to talk.
“Where is she?” he asked. He sat up and stared at me while he continued to listen
to Alise. My chest started pounding. I knew what she was telling him. Rachel had
called her and told her what happened. She was now telling my best friend.
When he finished, he closed his phone and looked over angrily at me. “What the
fuck happened tonight, Zac?”
I stood and looked down at him. “Fuck you, Kenny.” He stood and faced me.
“Fuck all of you,” I screamed as I threw up my hands. He grabbed me by my
shoulders and started shaking me.
“What the hell did you do to Rachel tonight?” I almost stumbled when he pushed
me back. I caught my balance and then started laughing uncontrollably. He gave
me a puzzled look.
“It’s what I didn’t do,” I laughed. He looked dumbfounded as I entered the kitchen
I looked at the clock on the kitchen wall when I entered. It was 11:23. As I passed
the family room to my bedroom, my mother shouted out, “How was your date?”
“All right,” I answered without looking in. I knew if I did, my parents would insist
on me coming in, sitting down and sharing my night with them. I wondered what
they would think of me if they knew the truth.
Billy was lying in bed watching a basketball game when I went into the bedroom.
He sat up and asked, “Well?” My first thought was that he had to start staying
away from Kenny. He was beginning to sound like him.
“Well, what?” I knew what he was asking, but what could I say? ‘Yeah, Billy. We
took our clothes off and she spread her legs for me; but I couldn’t get it up for
her. I couldn’t even roll the fucking condom over my cock because it was too limp.’
I wondered what he would think of his wonderful, big brother now?
I ignored him as I took off my clothes, folded them over the back of a chair and
wrapped a towel around my waist. I wanted to wash away the filthy feeling I was
experiencing. I now wished I had never tried to prove my manhood. I should have
waited until I was ready- if ever.
Maybe I was nervous. Perhaps that was the reason I couldn’t get an erection.
However, in the back of my mind I knew the real reason. Her naked body didn’t
excite me- and I knew it never would. The only time I could get hard was when I
closed my eyes and saw Adrian’s naked form in my mind.
I now knew- I was gay. But I didn’t want to be gay.
I walked across the hall to the bathroom, turned on the hot water and stepped
under it. I closed my eyes as the water cascaded down my body. Only one
thought possessed me- I didn’t want to be gay. I wanted to be straight. I wanted
to get married, if not to Rachel then some other girl. I wanted to have children
and raise a family. I wanted a life like my parents shared.
Now all that wouldn’t come to be. Tears fell down my cheeks as I thought about
my future. Immediately, I worried about Rachel telling Kenny and Alise. I could
play it off as first time nerves, but then that would require me trying it again.
Kenny wouldn’t let up until I finally lost my virginity.
I decided as I stood under the water with tears rolling down my face that I would
have to break up with Rachel. That is, if she hadn’t already dumped me. I could
tell her that the chemistry just wasn’t there between us, but that would only hurt
her. However, it was something I felt I had to do.
Panic seized me when I considered that Rachel might suspect I was gay. What if it
was something she had suspected and my actions only confirmed her suspicion? I
was sure that Kenny would suspect it. He might even come right out and ask me
if I was gay. To him the only reason a guy wouldn’t seize upon a chance to have
sex with a girl was because he was.
I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. As I dried my body, I came
to the conclusion that nothing good was going to come out of all this. I had
fucked up. I had lost all control of my emotions. And only one person was to
blame for the situation I now found myself in- Adrian.
I hated him for what he had done to my life.
When I returned to my room, Billy was sitting on his bed with a wide grin on his
face. He held up the one unused condom that had been in my jacket. “So you
don’t want to talk about it?” He giggled. “When you left you had two.” I walked
over and snatched it angrily from his hand. He leaned back, afraid I was going to
“Give me that fucking thing,” I screamed as I tossed it across the room. “You had
no right going into my jacket.” I looked down at him as he cowered in the bed.
“I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I was just playing.” Seeing the fear he had in his eyes
as I towered over him was the final straw. I couldn’t handle it anymore. His eyes
widened as I started to tremble and tears filled my eyes. I walked over to my bed,
dropped the towel from around my body and climbed into my bed. I burrowed
myself under the covers, balled myself into a fetal position and cried.
Billy sat on the side of my bed and placed his hand gently on my shoulder. “You
want me to go get Dad?”
“No,” I managed to mumble softly. “Just leave me alone, all right?”
I could hear his voice crack with emotion as he replied, “You’re scaring me, Zac. I
don’t know what to do. Are you okay?”
I pulled my head from under the covers and looked at him. His eyes were as wet
as mine. “Come here.” I reached out and hugged him tightly.
I pulled away and looked into his concerned face. “I’m just going through some
really bad shit right now, but I’ll be okay. I promise.” He nodded his head and then
hugged me again.
“Wake me up if you need to talk, all right?” He got up, walked over to his bed, and
got in. I noticed that he turned on his left side so he could keep an eye on me.
Sleep finally came, but it wasn’t peaceful. I had nightmares all night as images
kept jumping into my dreams. Most were violent and frightening. Occasionally, I
would hear Billy tossing and turning. Once he got up, walked over, and looked
down at me for several minutes. It was after that when I was finally able to fall
asleep without the bad dreams.
Billy woke me up the next morning when he sat down on my bedside. “Zac?” He
gently pushed my shoulder.
I opened my eyes to a brightly lit room. I squinted up at him. “What?”
“You ever going to get up?”
“What time is it?”
“After two,” he informed me. I sat up and looked at the alarm clock on my desk. It
read 2:12. I rolled over and pulled the cover over my head.
“Let me sleep,” I muttered. He remained seated on my bed for a couple of
minutes before once again pushing gently on my shoulder.
“Dad told me to come up and get you.” He said as he pushed my shoulder a little
more forcefully. “In fact, he told me to tell you to get your lazy ass out of bed.”
He started giggling.
“Tell him I’m still sleeping,” I muttered into my pillow. “Now leave me alone.”
He sat quietly for about a minute before pushing on my shoulder again. “Zac,” he
whispered softly. “Are you all right?” I pulled the cover tighter over my head. After
about a minute, I heard him sigh as he got up and left the room.
When I awoke, it was almost 5:00. I had never in my life spent the entire day in
bed. Even on weekends, I would get up before nine. I guess I didn’t feel like
crawling out of bed and facing the world. I felt safe under my covers and wished
that I could remain there for the rest of my life.
I was getting dressed when Billy came in with a plate of food. “Here,” he said as
he handed me the tray it was on. “I thought you might be hungry.” I looked down
at the bologna sandwich and some potato chips. I knew he had made it himself for
“Thanks,” I said with a smile as I sat on the side of the bed and nibbled at the
food. He sat on his bed and stared over at me.
Finally, he fidgeted a bit before getting up the nerve to speak to me. “So, are you
going to tell me what happened last night?”
“Look, Billy,” I said. “I really don’t want to talk about it.” He looked at the ground
and nodded. “It’s not exactly something I can talk about, okay?” He looked up
and attempted a smile.
“Are you upset at me?” I gave him a puzzled look.
“Why would I be mad at you?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Dunno,” he replied softly. “I just thought you got
upset with me because of Lonnie.”
“Come here.” I patted the side of the bed. He cautiously walked over and sat
down beside me. “I’m not upset with you and Lonnie, okay?” He looked at me and
nodded his head.
“I want to talk about it soon,” I assured him, “but today isn’t a good day to do it.”
Tears welled up in his eyes as he nodded his head again. I pulled him into a hug.
He clutched to me and I could hear him softly sniffling into my shoulder.
“I love you, okay?” I said. He nodded his head against me. “You’re my brother, I
always will, no matter what.”
He pulled away and looked at me tearfully. “I love you too, Zac.” He reached up
and wiped his tears from his eyes. “Same goes for you. There’s nothing you can
do that would make me love you any less.” He leaned in and hugged me. “No
matter what it is.” He whispered in my ear.
After a final squeeze, he got up and left the room. I sat down at my computer and
checked to see if I had any email. Usually there would be a couple from Kenny. He
would forward me funny cartoons and jokes he’d find while surfing around. Today
he hadn’t sent anything. In fact, there was nothing in my inbox.
I spent the rest of the evening trying to work on a research paper for
government. I wanted to forget about what had happened twenty-four hours
earlier. Occasionally, I would find my mind wander to Rachel. I wondered what she
was thinking and how she was feeling. I considered calling her and apologizing,
but I didn’t know if I could without becoming emotional and saying too much.
Since I had decided to drop her as a girlfriend, I wanted to do that in person. All I
had to do was come up with some reasonable excuse.
Billy came in and went to bed around ten. He watched a basketball game on
television until he fell asleep. Around eleven I got up, undressed, turned off the
television and crawled into bed.
I tossed and turned all night. I had slept so much during the day that I wasn’t
sleepy. Around one, Billy pushed down his covers and started to masturbate. I
rolled over on my side facing away from him. Five minutes later I heard him moan
softly, wipe himself off with a towel hidden under his bed and then pull the covers
back over him. I smiled to myself because I wondered how often he did that. Was
it something he did nightly when he thought I’d gone to sleep?
The rest of the night I spent thinking about what was going to happen. Several
scenarios kept running through my head- none of them were good. One thing
was for certain, my life had changed dramatically. New fears had crept into my
life. Pandora’s Box had been opened, and its evil was spreading around my world.
I thought of Rachel and how I had hurt her. I worried that I had unknowingly
deceived her for the past couple of years. I worried that if Kenny found out I was
gay, would I lose him as a friend? What would my mother and father say if I came
out to them?I knew Billy would be okay with it, but how would my other brothers
and sisters react?
I then thought of my teammates and Coach Templeton. Would I still be permitted
on the team if it got out that I was gay? Coming out was something that I didn’t
intend to do, but what if rumors began to spread? What if Rachel told classmates
at school how I had failed her as a lover?
A guy unable to get an erection when he’s lying naked on top of his girlfriend with
his cock pushing at her pussy would be ridiculed unmercifully. I would become the
brunt of cruel jokes if anyone found out what had happened last night. I would
never be able to walk down the hall with my head held high.
My life was now a mess, and I couldn’t possibly see it getting any better. There
didn’t seem to be a happy solution to any of this. I wondered if all gay guys and
girls lay awake at night feeling the same frustration. Is this something we share
silently? I looked over at Billy who was snoring lightly. Does he lie awake
sometimes and feel an overwhelming depression like I’m now feeling?
Then my thoughts turned to Adrian, the cause of all my pain and frustration. Why
did he have to enter my life? Was it some kind of divine plan that our lives would
somehow come together?
Was there a connection between us or was he simply one of the evils that was
unleashed when Pandora’s Box was opened? I wanted to hate him but I couldn’t.
Every thought of him was filled with something I’d never experienced before. I
wanted him but I was scared shitless at the thought of being with him.
Succumbing to my desires for him would mean only one thing- I was gay. And I
didn’t want to be gay.
As I thought of his dark, muscular body, his curly hair, his broad smile with
perfect white teeth, his friendly disposition and athletic prowess I realized one
thing, I was in love with him. I hardly knew him, but I knew I wanted him. But
wanting him would make me gay. And I didn’t want to be gay.
I pushed down the covers and grabbed my erect cock. I imagined Adrian atop me,
shoving his cock deep into my ass. I opened my mouth and pretended to kiss his
lips and I opened my arms and pretended to rub his soft smooth back as he
pushed deeper into me. I felt his cock grow larger as he unloaded into my ass.
“Unnggg!” I moaned loudly as the cum jettisoned onto my chest. I quickly looked
over to see if I had awakened Billy. He appeared to still be sleeping.
I took my underwear from off the floor and wiped the sticky mess from my chest.
I then pulled the covers over me. Before falling asleep, I tried to convince myself
by thinking, “I’m not gay. I don‘t want to be gay.”
“Morning Sleepy Head,” my mother sang out when I entered the kitchen. She
walked over and put her hand on my forehead. “Do you feel all right, Dear?”
“Yeah, Mom,” I lied. “I’m okay.”
“Well, Billy said you were sick all day yesterday.” I glanced over quickly where he
was sitting at the table with Josh and Brenda. “He assured us you were all right
and you just wanted to be left alone.” He smiled when I nodded my head at him.
I grabbed a bagel off the table and then headed for the door. “Aren’t you going to
have breakfast?” My mother asked as she handed me a plate filled with pancakes
and bacon. “You need your strength.”
“I’m not hungry, Mom,” I said as I kissed her on her cheek. “Gotta go.”
Actually, I thought that my stomach wouldn’t keep down any food. It was doing
somersaults inside my chest. I knew I had to pick Kenny up on my way to school.
Since he hadn’t called or come by yesterday, I didn’t know what was going
through his mind.
Kenny lived across the street, but I would always back my car out and pull into his
driveway and honk my horn twice. He would usually appear at the door and hold
up one finger, indicating to give him another minute. It usually turned into ten.
After honking my horn, I waited about two minutes until his little brother, Brent,
came running out to the car wearing nothing but his pajama bottoms. “Kenny said
he doesn’t need a ride this morning. Mom is going to take him to school.” He
turned and ran back into the house.
I looked up at his bedroom and saw him standing looking down at me. He turned
and disappeared. I knew my day wasn’t going to go well. If my best friend had
turned against me, then what chance did I have? That meant that Rachel and Alise
would also be upset with me.
As I pulled out of the driveway, I became angry. What business was it to Kenny
and Alise anyway? What happened between Rachel and me should have been a
private matter. Kenny was at my house when Alise called him from Rachel’s. She
hadn’t waited a half hour before she was crying on Alise’s shoulder.
They didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I could have made up some kind of
a lie. I could have blamed it on sinus medication or something. I heard sometimes
that could have an effect on a guy. Kenny knew I just got over a bad cold.
The more I drove, the angrier I became. By the time I had arrived at school and
parked my car, I was pissed. I was pissed because Kenny was pissed at me, and
he had no right to be. He was my best friend, after all. He should have at least
given me a chance to tell my side of the story, even if it was going to be a lie.
I’m sure Rachel dramatized everything. She probably told them how my cock
refused to get hard for her. I’m sure she even told them how she had sucked me
and gotten me hard, only to have it shrivel once I attempted to put the condom
Poor, sweet Rachel. All ready to give up her virginity to her boyfriend, only to have
him run out of her bedroom with his limp dick inside his pants. And why did tears
have to appear in my eyes? She had to have known something more was going
on than me just being unable to get an erection. She had done everything she
could to be the perfect partner. It was me who failed.
She had to have suspected something more. My greatest fears emerged as I
walked slowly up to the school entrance. She knew I was gay. What other reason
could there be? That would also explain why Kenny didn’t want to talk to me.
They must have talked about me and came to the only obvious conclusion- I was
I rushed to my locker to get out my books before Kenny arrived. I took them all
out and crammed them into my book bag. I didn’t want to confront him. If he was
at the locker, then that also meant Alise would be there. There would also be the
possibility that Rachel would appear too. It would be bad enough to have to face
one of them, but all three. I would rather have stood before a firing squad.
My morning classes went as usual. I kept looking around to see if anyone was
staring at me. If Rachel told Alise, then there was the possibility that she told
someone else, who told someone else. Before the end of the day, the entire
student body would know about Zac’s limp willie.
It was hard to concentrate during my fourth period class because lunch usually
followed it. Today would be the first time in four years I didn’t spend it with
Kenny, Rachel and Alise. Even when one of us was sick, we would usually call them
on a cell phone and talk to them so they wouldn’t feel left out. Since Alise suffered
from severe monthly cramps, she held the record for our lunch calls.
When the bell rang, I stood outside the door and looked down the hallway.
I didn’t know where to go. I thought about going to the gym and work out, but
the coaches usually locked the doors so they could go eat in the teachers’
I sighed, pulled my bag over my shoulder and headed down the hall. I decided
that I would go sit in my truck and perhaps get a few moments sleep before my
fifth period. Just before I got to the exit, someone walked up and grabbed me by
my arm. I balled my fist to protect myself in case it was Kenny.
Instead, I looked into the face of a very pretty girl. She looked familiar, but I
couldn’t remember where I had seen her. She was a light-skinned black girl with
beautiful brown eyes and flowing, long black hair. She wore designer glasses and
had braces on her teeth.
“Aren’t you Zac Barnes?” she asked. Suddenly, it dawned on me who she was.
She was the girl I had seen eating in the cafeteria with Adrian. I had assumed that
she was his girlfriend.
“Yes,” I said as I gave her a puzzled look. She wrapped her arm around mine and
walked with me as I left the building.
“I’m Valerie Lewis,” she said sweetly.
“Am I supposed to know you?” I asked defensively. I was beginning to think that
she had somehow found out that Adrian had tried to kiss me in the restroom. The
last thing I need to worry about was a jealous girlfriend.
“We’ve never met,” she said. “I’m Adrian’s cousin.” I pulled my arm from hers.
“If this involves Adrian, then I don’t have anything to say.” I started to walk
hurriedly down the sidewalk. She ran up beside me and grabbed my arm.
“Please, Zac,” she begged. “Just give me one minute.”
“Did Adrian send you?” The entire situation was becoming more confusing.
“No,” she assured me. “He’d kill me if he knew I was talking to you.” I continued to
walk away, but at a slower pace. She hesitantly took my arm and wrapped her
arm once again around it.
We strolled slowly away from the school and were about a block away before she
said anything more. “Adrian told me what happened between you two.”
I stopped and spoke harshly. “I didn’t do anything,” I insisted.
“I know,” she said. She took my arm and started walking again.
“As you’ve probably figured out, Adrian is gay.” She looked at me for a reaction,
but I said nothing. “I’m the only person who knows, besides you now.”
I looked over at her. “What do you want from me?”
She stopped and reached down and took my hands. “I’m begging you not to say
anything to anyone.” Tears started to fall down her cheeks.
“You don’t understand Adrian’s life.” She was becoming overwhelmed with
emotion. “His father is a minister. He’d disown him if rumors got back to him.”
I gave Valerie a puzzled look. “Then why did he try to kiss me?” I didn’t know just
how much she knew, but it seemed apparent that Adrian had discussed things
“He made a mistake,” she said. “He liked you the moment he saw you. He thought
you felt the same way.” She wiped tears away from her face. “He let down his
I didn’t know how to respond. To admit I felt the same way about him would be
telling a complete stranger I was gay. It appeared Adrian trusted Valerie, but I
wasn’t sure I could. I also worried that perhaps I was being set up as some cruel
I squeezed her hands tightly. “I won’t say anything to anyone about what
happened, you can trust me.” She smiled at me and silently said, ‘Thank you.’ She
then stood on her tiptoes and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek.
“I can see why he likes you,” she smiled. “Besides being extremely cute, you’re
really a nice guy. Guys like you hardly exist anymore.”
“Don’t overrate me,” I laughed. “I can give you a list of people who think I’m the
scum of the earth right now.”
“You?” She said surprisingly. She wrapped her arm around mine as we walked
back toward the school. “I can’t imagine anyone thinking anything bad about you.”
“Wait until you get to know me.”
She started to laugh. “I already know all about you. Adrian wont’ stop talking
“Adrian has poor choice in men.” I joked.
She stopped me and stared up into my face. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I responded. “What?”
“Why aren’t you upset with Adrian?” Suddenly, I realized where this was
heading. “If a girl tried to kiss me in a restroom, I’d probably claw her eyes out.
But you don’t seem upset about it at all.”
“Look, Valerie.” I turned and started walking toward school with her arm still
attached to mine. “Can we talk about his some other time? Now just isn’t a good
She looked up and smiled. “So there may be a good time to talk about this?”
I looked down and grinned. “Maybe. Just maybe.”
“Yes!” she shrieked loudly as she pumped her fist into the air.
I stopped and turned toward her. “I promised you I wouldn’t say anything. Now
you have to do the same for me.” Her smile faded and she looked up and pouted.
“You wouldn’t do this to me, would you?” She gave me a puppy dog look. I raised
my eyebrows and nodded.
“Promise?” I asked. She frowned again. I raised my eyebrows at her. I was quickly
becoming extremely fond of her. In just a few short minutes, it seemed like I had
gained a good friend. She was someone I knew I could trust.
“All right,” she replied dejectedly. “Promise.” She wrapped her arm around mine
as we headed toward the school.
Chapter 6 Return to TMJ