I had fallen asleep for about an hour when there was a light knock on my door. I
sat up and hollered, “Come on in.” I thought it was Kenny. After looking at the
clock and noticing it was almost time for dinner, I figured he’d stopped by to eat
since his mother was probably at work.
The door opened slowly and my little brother’s head appeared. “You’re not
spanking your monkey, are you?” He started laughing and entered.
“Like you don’t,” I responded with a laugh. His face reddened. “I hear you at
night when you think I’m asleep.”
I said Billy was my little brother. I should have said my little, big brother. After a
tremendous growth spurt last year, he grew almost five inches. He is now
fourteen and is 6’1”. In addition, he is as skinny as me. I weigh around 160 on a
good day. He weighs about five pounds less. If he were a little older, we would
look like identical twins. He still has a baby face and almost no body hair. Even his
pubic hair is still rather sparse. I tease him about it constantly.
“Josh has more hair down there than you,” I kid him. Josh is our twelve-year-old
brother. He is still the runt of our family. He’s only 4’8”. If he’s like the rest of
the Barnes boys, he’ll get his growth spurt in another year or two.
There are six of us. Four boys and two girls. We have an older brother, Jimmy.
He’s twenty and lives across town in an apartment with his girlfriend. We used to
share a bedroom, but when he moved out Billy moved in. I wanted the room to
myself, but when he complained that Josh snored too loudly at night, I relented. I
don’t mind except he likes to jack off at night before he goes to sleep and it’s
hard for me to fall asleep until he’s done rustling around in the bed. A few nights
I have joined him, but we pretend we don’t notice.
We have two sisters. Marilou is a year older than Jimmy. She’s married and has
an infant son, my nephew, Isaac. He’s really cute, but I guess everyone says that
about kids in their family. He really is though. His hair is so blond it’s almost
white. His eyes are a crystal blue. I keep a photo of him in my wallet because I’m
so proud of him. I’m always showing it to someone. Girls especially like looking at
The youngest in our family is Brenda. She’s nine and spoiled rotten. Mom and
Dad think the son rises and sets on her. Things I couldn’t have when I was
younger, they will eagerly buy her. I had to wait until I was seven before I could
have a bike. She had one when she was four. I love her, but sometimes she can
be a real brat.
Billy walked over to the dresser and took out a pair of shorts. I watched as he
removed the pants he had worn to school and threw them in the closet. He had
runner legs like mine- long and thin. However, he was like Kenny, he lived
baseball. When I didn’t show an interest in the sport, he recruited Billy. Kenny
began teaching him to pitch when he was six.
He plays little league baseball. He’s a freshman at Northview, but he can’t play
varsity baseball until next year. Since Kenny graduates this year, he will not get
to play with him. Kenny has already groomed him to take his starting pitching
position when he leaves. As he says, he can make things happen.
I tried to look away when he dropped his underwear, bent over to pick them up
and then toss them inside the closet. I compared his ass to Adrian’s. There was
none. Billy’s was narrow and bony, not meaty like Adrian’s.
Shit. Now I’m perving on my brother. I’ve seen him naked thousands of times.
We walk around the room unashamedly in front of each other. I was probably the
first person to see him pop a morning woody and we didn’t think a thing about it.
Now I’m looking at his ass as he bends over and pulls up his underwear.
He turned and saw me. He pulled his underwear down a little and wiggled his ass.
“Like what you see?” He giggled before walking across the hall to the bathroom.
What in the hell is going on with me? I’m starting to question things I’ve never
thought about before.
I mean I’m nineteen, right? If I had been interested in guys, wouldn’t I have had
these thoughts years ago? I have a girlfriend, for Christ’s sake. I mean we’ve
never really done it, but I get a boner sometimes when we make out. Rachel has
reached inside my pants and jacked me off a couple of times while she let me
finger her pussy. That should mean something, right?
Kenny and I were jacking off to porn at thirteen when he found a Playboy
magazine hidden in the bottom of his older brother’s dresser drawer. We used to
masturbate on our knees looking at some woman’s pussy and then cum all over
the picture exclaiming we were shooting our load deep inside her. That should
mean something, right?
And I have to put my hands inside my pants and rearrange my growing cock
when Kenny tells me how he and Alise ‘did it’ the night before at her house after
her parents went to bed. That should mean something, right?
I’m straight, right? I’ve never thought about doing it with a guy before. Then why
did I get this wave of emotion sweep over me whenever Adrian looked at me.
Why does his killer smile really kill me? Why do I stare into his eyes and want to
jump into his soul? Why did I get rock hard when he bent over and I saw his
firm, round ass? Why did I want to rush over, push him to the floor and beg him
to fuck me?
No. I didn’t just think that. I don’t want Adrian to fuck me. That’s… that’s…gay!
I’m not gay, right?” I like girls. I’ve fingered Rachel while she had her hand around
my cock. I’ve tossed my head back, moaned and shot my cum all over Miss
September’s pussy. I’m not gay, right?
Then why did Adrian have such an effect on me? Why did my cock get hard when
he rubbed his hand on my leg in the truck? Why did I want to lean down, unzip
his pants and suck his dick? Why did I want to stop the truck, pull him out and
strip him naked? Why did I want to see more of his body?
I’m not gay, right?
Billy stopped suddenly when he entered the room and saw me with my hands
inside my shorts. I hadn’t even realized that I was almost ready to cum in my
hand thinking about Adrian smiling up at me with the sun shining in his
handsome face as I sat on the bleachers.
“Unnnggg!” I moaned as I closed my eyes and came inside my shorts. I opened
them and saw Billy looking surprisingly down at me.
“Damn, Zac,” he muttered as he walked over and quickly closed the door. “You
better be glad it was me that walked in and not Mom.”
My face reddened as I removed my hand from my shorts. It was covered in cum.
Billy just stood staring astonishingly at me. I don’t know who was more
embarrassed, him or me. When his eyes dropped to my shorts, I looked down
and saw a wet stain on the front of them. He looked back into my face with his
mouth wide open.
“Jesus, Zac!” he exclaimed. I rushed from the room, pushing him aside as I ran
across the hall to the bathroom. I slammed the door and fell to the floor
wrapping my arms around my legs.
“I’m not gay,” I insisted. “I’m not gay…I’m not gay…I’m not gay…”
Dinner was interesting. I kept my head down the entire meal, afraid to look over
at Billy. Thankfully, everyone was home to eat so there was plenty of
conversation going on. Dad tried to get me to talk a few times, but I would say
something unintelligible and continue to eat.
I returned to my room and was doing homework on my bed. Every else was
watching television in the family room. It must have been a comedy because I
could hear them laughing occasionally.
I was going over a calculus problem when there was a knock at the door. “Come
in,” I shouted and Kenny opened the door and walked in. He came over and
threw himself across my bed.
“Watcha doing?” He picked up the book lying on the bed and examined it. “Ick,
calculus.” He gave me a puzzled look. “You understand this shit? I could hardly
“That’s cause you play baseball,” I smiled. “You’d be smarter if you ran track.” He
reached out and hit me across the head.
“Funny, Mother Fucker,” he growled as I ducked so he wouldn’t hit me again. He
quietly watched me work. He knew I didn‘t like to be disturbed when I was doing
homework. When he got up and started pacing around the room, I sighed and
closed my book.
He quickly sat down beside me. “All done?” He didn’t even wait for me to
respond. He immediately began talking excitedly. “Well?”
“Today’s tryouts.” He raised his eyebrows. “What did you think?”
“I think you’re a bunch of dumb jocks who like to hit a little ball and chase it
around a field.”
“Come on, Zac.” He was quickly becoming frustrated. “What did you think of
I started rearranging the books on my bed. I knew what Kenny was asking, but I
had to be careful so that he didn’t become suspicious about how I was feeling.
“He was all right,” I muttered.
“All right!” Kenny exclaimed. “Just all right?”
“Okay,” I sighed. “He looked good.” I felt my face begin to blush when I realized
the hidden meaning of my words.
Kenny leaned toward me. “But do you think we have chemistry? You know, like
me and Coleman had last year.” He looked hopefully at me.
I got off the bed, walked over and looked out the window at the moon above.
“Yeah,” I said. “You looked good together.” For some odd reason, the words hurt.
Kenny jumped off the bed and stood behind me. “That’s what I thought,” he
said. “I just wanted to be sure I wasn’t being too optimistic.” He put his hand on
my shoulder and squeezed it.
“This is going to be my year,” he said excitedly. “I can just feel it.”
“Yeah, sure,” I replied as I walked away and sat back down on the bed. “Your
year.” Suddenly, I felt depressed. It may be Kenny’s year, but I wasn’t sure it
was going to be mine.
I sat back down on the bed and opened my calculus book. Kenny sighed and
then got up. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said as he walked to the door.
I didn’t even look up as he left.
I was lying in the dark on my bed listening to my MP3 player. I was trying to shut
my mind from the things I was feeling. I was almost asleep when a flash of light
suddenly blinded me. Billy had entered the room and flipped on the light switch.
“Turn the fucking light off!” I shouted angrily. He flipped it off and then tiptoed
across the room and turned on a small lamp on the dresser.
“Sorry, Zac,” he muttered softly. He walked over to this bed and sat down,
staring at me. I rolled over with my back to him.
He asked softly, “You okay?” I turned the volume up on my MP3 player so I
couldn’t hear him. A minute later, I felt the bed move as he sat down and put his
hand on my shoulder. “Zac?”
I hunched my shoulder, forcing him to remove his hand. “Why wouldn’t I be all
He reached down and removed the earphone plug. I sprang up and stared into
his startled face. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I shouted.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he shouted back. “You’ve been acting weird
“Leave me alone,” I said as I took the earplug and placed it back in the Ipod. He
pulled it out and then grabbed the player from my hand. I started to hit him, but
I quickly withdrew my fist. We had never fought before. Both of us were
surprised by my actions. I rolled over and tried to fight back the tears that were
welling up in my eyes.
“Zac,” he said softly as he placed his hand once again on my shoulder. “You all
right? You want to talk about it?”
“I told you nothing is wrong.” I grabbed the cover on my bed and pulled it over
my head. “Just leave me alone.” He sat for a minute before letting out a sigh and
then getting up.
“I know I’m young,” he said as he stood over me, “but if you need someone to
talk to, I’m here.” I listened as he removed his clothes, turned out the light and
climbed into his bed.
For the first time in years, I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears that were falling
silently down my cheek and onto my pillow.
I tried to avoid everyone when I went to school the next morning. I even
pretended to oversleep so I wouldn’t have to give Kenny a ride. He tried to insist
he would wait for me, but I was able to convince him to catch a ride with his
mother so he wouldn’t be late too.
I was heading to the library after fourth period when Rachel walked up and took
my arm. “Where you going?” She asked. “The cafeteria is this way.” She wrapped
her arm around mine and began pulling me down the hall.
I stopped and turned toward her. “Look, Rachel,” I said. “I’ve got a ton of work
to do, so I thought I’d get some of it done during lunch.” She gave me a quizzical
look and then started leading me in the direction of the cafeteria.
“Nonsense,” she replied. “I’ve never known you not to have an assignment
done.” She started to giggle. “You’re the only one who will finish a research paper
within a few days after it’s been assigned. Everyone else waits until the day
before to start on it.”
I stopped again. “Well, I’m not hungry,” I insisted.
She scanned my thin body. “Yes, you are,” she said as she pulled me away.
Kenny and Alise were sitting at our regular table when we walked up with our
meals. I sat down and Rachel scooted next to me. Usually I enjoyed her being
close to me, but for some reason I found her body pressing against mine
irritating. When I moved away, she gave me a puzzled look. I noticed Alise give
her a questioning look as well.
Kenny immediately started talking about baseball. Alise looked over and rolled her
eyes. Rachel started giggling.
“What’s so funny?” Kenny asked.
“Nothing, Honey,” said Alise as she reached out and held his hand.
Kenny looked over at me. “Like I was saying, Zac, we’re going to win the state
this year. I can feel it.”
I tried to force a smile. “I hope so.”
“So are you going to go by the gym with me to see the players’ roster?” He
asked. “Coach Brunswick said he’d have it posted after school.”
“I don’t think so,” I replied apologetically. “I’d like to get some laps in.”
“That’s all you runners think about,” he quipped, “is running.”
“So,” I smiled. “All you baseball players think about are your balls.” Alise started
laughing so hard she almost fell out of her chair.
We ate in silence for a few minutes. Finally, Rachel looked at us. “So what movie
are we going to go see tomorrow?” Since tomorrow was Saturday, it was
customary for us to double date and see a movie.
Kenny looked at Alise and moaned. “I know what you want to see.” She nodded
her head as he turned to me. “She wants to see that new romance flick.”
“Oh,” squealed Rachel. “I heard it was good.”
Kenny looked at me and frowned. “We’re fucked.” When I started laughing,
Rachel hit me lightly on my arm.
Rachel and Alise continued to talk about the movie. The more they talked, the
more disinterested Kenny and I became. It sounded like the typical boy meets
girl, boy falls in love with girl and boy marries girl type of flick.
When I looked over at Kenny and frowned, I noticed him look over my shoulder
and smile. He then raised his hand and waved at someone. I turned as Adrian
was waving back.
“Is that Adrian Lewis?” Alise asked?
“Yeah,” Kenny replied. “He’s going to be my new catcher this year.” He looked
over at me. “Ain’t he, Zac?” I shrugged my shoulder.
Alise looked back over at the table where Adrian was sitting. “He’s really cute,”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kenny asked angrily.
“Nothing,” responded Alise. “I just think he’s a handsome guy.”
“That doesn’t sound right,” Kenny shot back.
“What doesn’t sound right?” Alise asked defensively.
“You finding him cute.” Kenny looked back over at Adrian. “He’s…well, you know.”
He hesitated before saying, “Never mind.”
I looked across the table at Kenny and watched as Alise gave him an angry look.
Just then, the bell rang and we got up. As we were leaving, I looked over at the
table where Adrian was sitting. He smiled as he watched me leave the cafeteria
with Rachel’s arm wrapped around mine.
I tried to delay going to my locker right after school. I knew Kenny would be
waiting for me to go with him to the gym. I couldn’t understand why he was so
worried. He knew he was guaranteed a spot on the team, but each year we would
go through the same routine.
I hung around and talked to my teacher about an assignment. I made up an
excuse that I didn’t understand a problem. We sat for about ten minutes while
she explained it to me. After thanking her for her time, I headed to my locker.
Not only was Kenny waiting for me, but Adrian was standing with him. They
stopped talking when I approached.
Adrian smiled at me, but I tried to ignore him. I wanted to be careful that I didn’t
repeat the eye contact we had made the day before. How could I possibly answer
Kenny’s question if he noticed and asked, “Why were you staring at Adrian like
some girl for?”
Kenny continued to urge me to hurry as I put my books away. When I finished,
he grabbed my arm and pulled me down the hall. Adrian trailed behind us.
About a dozen guys were standing looking at the baseball roster when we
approached. Jake Armstrong, a junior who had tried out, was muttering
obscenities when he didn’t see his name on it. “Fuck Brunswick,” he said angrily.
As he stormed past us, he brushed against me. I lost my balance and fell against
Adrian. He caught me before I fell to the ground.
“Why don’t you watch it, Fucker!” Adrian shouted to him after he was sure I was
steady. The guy turned and faced us.
“Bite me!” Adrian balled up his fist and took a step toward him. Kenny reached
out and stopped him.
“Don’t!” He said as pulled on Adrian’s arm. “The coach will throw you off the team
if you get suspended for fighting.”
“Ohhh,” taunted Armstrong. “Can’t have the great Adrian Lewis get in trouble.”
He looked angrily at me. “What are you doing, protecting your boyfriend?” Adrian
took a step toward him. As he raised his fist, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him
“Forget it,” I pleaded. “It’s not worth it.” Adrian stared at me before nodding. He
then turned and headed down the hall. Kenny gave me a puzzled look, then put
his arm around Adrian’s shoulder and led him away. They didn’t hear Armstrong
mutter, “Fags,” before he walked away.
Kenny pushed through the boys looking at the roster. “Make way!” He shouted
as he threw his elbows into the side of the guys.
“Jesus, Kenny,” complained Coleman. “You know you made the team.”
“I know,” Kenny replied, “but I got to see who’s going to help me lead this team
to a state championship this year.” The guys around him started cheering.
He turned to Adrian. “You made it!” He reached out and gave him a hug. Then all
the guys began giving each other high fives.” I turned and walked away.
I went and talked to Coach Templeton briefly. We discussed my conditioning and
getting back in shape to run. He told me he was going to have a friend of his
come in after school a few times a week and work with the sprinters. He explained
how he had run track in college and had tried out for the Olympics. He had placed
fifth the U.S. trials, eliminating him from competition.
“I think he’s going to be a good mentor to you guys,” the coach said
reassuringly. “He knows more about running than anyone I know.”
We talked a few more minutes, and then I went and got dressed for my
conditioning. I wanted to run at least fifteen laps around the oval before going
home. I needed to get my body into better shape after the long winter months.
I had my MP3 player. Music helped me concentrate better as I ran. I could block
out unwanted thoughts, and lately I had been having a lot of those. Another
thing that now worried me was what Armstrong had said about Adrian protecting
his boyfriend. I knew it was something he said out of anger because he was
upset, but why did he have to say something like that?
He could easily have said something else, anything. Why did he have to call us
fags? I know guys playfully call other guys fags all the time. We had been doing it
before we even know what the word even meant. Perhaps I was being too
sensitive, but it still worried me.
I had run twelve laps when I sensed someone running behind me. I looked back
and Adrian was quickly approaching me. He was shirtless, and he was wearing
only a skimpy pair of athletic shorts. My eyes immediately looked down and saw
his cock bouncing around inside them as he ran toward me.
“Hey,” he smiled as he approached. “Kenny told me you’d be running laps.”
I turned and continued running. I tried to speed up, but he was able to keep up
with me. I am a sprinter, not a long distance runner, so my pace isn’t especially
fast. It seemed like he was trotting beside me.
I ran two more laps before stopping. I turned and looked at him. My eyes gazed
over his glistening body. He was hairless except for a light dusting on his legs.
Sweat had formed on his chest and small beads were dripping down his brown
body. When I looked up into his face, he smiled.
“What do you want?” I asked angrily. A surprised look appeared on his face.
“I..I..just thought I’d run with you,” he answered shyly. His eyes scanned my
body before looking at me. “I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“Why?” He gave me a puzzled look. “I don’t know. I just thought we had a lot in
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked defensively.
“Nothing!” He responded quickly. “I just mean we are both athletes and all. I just
thought we should get to know each other.” I wanted to respond, but I couldn’t
take my eyes off his wet, glistening body. I watched as his chest heaved heavily
from running. Drops of sweat were falling off his forehead. My eyes wandered
back to his short skimpy shorts. His legs were strong and masculine, and there
was an obvious bulge protruding from his shorts.
I became nervous when I realized he was watching me watching him. It was as if
he was posing for me, inviting me to stare at him. I suddenly turned and started
running. After about a half lap he caught up with me.
I stopped and turned toward him. “Leave me alone,” I said angrily. “All right?”
“I just want to be friends,” he insisted.
“I got a girlfriend!” I shouted at him. “I don’t need friends.” I turned and headed
toward the gym. This time he didn’t follow me.
I sat down on the bench before my locker, placing my head in my hands. I
couldn’t deal with Adrian. I hated him for coming into my life. I hated him for the
feelings I was experiencing. My life was going along well until he entered it. I was
confident being who I was- until he smiled at me yesterday. And just minutes
ago, staring at his tall, dark, muscular body, I no longer knew who I was.
I had never looked at a guy’s cock like that before, but I wanted his. I wanted to
lick the sweat off his handsome face. I wanted him to strip me naked on the
running track and fuck me for the world to see.
“God!” I screamed silently. “I’m going crazy!”
Chapter 3 Return to TMJ