Chapter 4
Brittle as a Bird
Who came up with weekends? What lame brain said that we should not go to
school, but instead take a couple days off? I hate the weekends. It’s really lonely
for someone like me.

What do I have to do? I leave home before my old man gets up and starts
drinking. I don’t want to be around to be his whipping boy just because he feels  
like taking his shit out on someone. My mom has been listening to his crap for
eighteen years. She has this amazing ability to just shut him out, and he’s
defenseless against it. He’s never once hit her, which means I became the object of
his resentment. So, I just get the fuck out of Dodge.

What does someone who has no friends do when there is a forty-eight hour
opportunity to do anything you want to do? I usually drink and get high, just so I
can forget that I have no friends and nothing to do.

That is why I like school. At least I have something to do to take my mind off my
miserable existence. The way I see it, since I’m there, I might as well make the
most of it. That’s why my grades are so high. My mind is a sponge for information;
the same way my liver is a sponge for alcohol. I think they are in a race to see
which one goes out first. My vote is for my liver. That is, if my lungs don’t win the
race from all the weed I’ve smoked.

I’ve made my way to Sullivan Lake again. It’s warm out today. I have taken off
my shirt and I’m basking in the warm sun. It feels good. It makes me almost glad
to be alive. Almost.

And what was that shit with Allen the other day? I stopped by the coffee shop this
morning. I even checked out the bridge; you know, just in case he decided to do it
this morning. But he wasn’t anywhere.

For the past few nights, every time I close my eyes I keep seeing the emptiness
behind his. It terrifies me. I guess I shouldn’t give a shit, but I do. I can’t explain
it. In my short life, I’ve met a lot of lonely and tragic figures. Guys have poured
out their hearts to me after I’ve sucked their dicks. They feel this need to seek
absolution, I guess. By telling me their miserable life stories, they feel it will justify
what we did.

But Allen is different.

I love it here. It must be what God meant for the Garden of Eden to be like- calm
and peaceful. Wouldn’t it be great if the world was like this? No shit going on. Just
what is the word I want? Yeah, serene. People getting along and things like that.
No fighting, wars or other things that we’ve fucked up.

Peaceful and calm. Sometimes when I’m lying like this, I wonder if this is what
eternity is like? Wouldn’t that be great to spend forever feeling like this? No one
yelling at me, telling me what a miserable fuck I am. No more sucking a stranger’s
dick just to get some money to be able to do the things I shouldn’t be doing in the
first place.

But for a few hours each week, I still got this. It’s the one thing I think I’d miss if I
ever left this fucking place. Sullivan Lake. It’s the only place I am not me. I don’t
know what I mean by that. It’s like I leave for a while and become something, I
don’t know- spiritual, I guess. There’s nothing here that defines me. No sex, drugs
or alcohol. No screaming fuckhead of a father, and no disappointed look on my
mother's face. I don’t have to put up with the condescending looks of my
classmates, and there’s no ‘fag’ or ‘Joey Hoey.’

It’s just calm and peaceful. It’s what I want to be, but I don’t have a fucking clue
how to achieve it. How can I take what I’m feeling this minute and hold it? I get
about a mile from here and return to the real world, and the same old shit starts all
over again.

And where the fuck is Allen? I want to bring him here to Sullivan Lake. Ever since
the other day, I want him to come here and experience what I feel. Maybe the sun
will penetrate his vacant eyes and give him a minute of peace.

Then again, maybe I won’t. This is my thing. It’s not meant to be shared. If I share
it,   I will be giving away a part of it to someone else, and I can’t do that. I know
that sounds selfish, but what else have I got?


“Yeah, Kid?” Louie asks as he cracks the door open and looks angrily out.

“The usual.”

“Hang on.”

Louie returns a minute later and hands me a paper bag with the cheap wine
wrapped inside. I give him a ten, and he slams the door shut.

Suddenly, I hear some footsteps behind me. I turn and two police officers are
running toward me.

One of them shouts, “Don’t move!” Instinctively, I turn and haul ass. It’s not the
first time I’ve had to run away from a situation. I hear one of them running about
six feet behind me. He must be a young cop. The older ones usually don’t last too

I jump over a fence and head down an empty alley. I can still hear him behind me,
but now he’s gasping for air and he’s fallen a few feet further behind me.

“Stop running, you Son of a Bitch!” He hollers in exasperation. I laugh to myself,
knowing he’s rapidly tiring.

“Gotcha!” I didn’t see the cop step out from behind a building and take me down.
He must have played football in high school, because he grabbed me around the
waist and we both tumbled to the ground. Before I regained my senses, I was
handcuffed and being placed in the back of a police cruiser.

“You don’t look so smart now.” The younger cop who had been chasing me was
leaning against the door, still gasping for air. I wasn’t doing much better. My chest
was killing me. The weed was affecting my wind capacity. I used to be able to run
for miles without even breathing hard. A few blocks and I now felt like I was
experiencing a heart attack.

He slammed the door shut, jumped in the car and drove off. I thought he was
taking me to jail, but we headed in the wrong direction. He drove up to Louie’s and
parked outside. Within a few minutes, Louie and two of his clerks were brought out
in handcuffs. Louie looked inside the cruiser at me and shook his head sadly.

I feel like a miserable piece of shit. Because he felt sorry for kids like me, he was
now probably going to serve some time in jail. Louie is one of the good guys, know
what I mean? He understands street kids, and he never tried to take advantage of

“Are you taking me to jail?” I asked the cop after we pulled away.

“Nope, Kid.” He turned around and looked at me. “You’re only seventeen. It’s juvie
for you.”

Damn. I knew what that meant. Since I was being taken to a juvenile facility,   
they’d have to call my old man. Shit. I’m screwed. If they had taken me to adult
jail, I would have been locked up until my court appearance without my parents
knowing anything about it. They probably wouldn’t have even noticed I was


“So tell me Mr. Carpenter, why did you want the alcohol?” The elderly woman who
had been assigned my case was looking down and reading my arrest report. She
looked tired. I’m guessing that she could probably give a rat’s ass why I drink. I’m
just another folder on her desk that she has an obligation to handle as quickly as

“I wanted to give it to the dog,” I answered sarcastically.

“I see,” she said, removing her glasses and glaring at me. “Listen, Smart Ass. We
can do this my way, or we can do it the hard way. I think you’d much prefer my

I tried to hold her gaze, but I looked away after a few seconds. She’d dealt with
guys much worse than me over the years. This was my first arrest, and I was way
out of my league.

“Sorry,” I apologized. “It’s just something I do now and then.”

She put her glasses back and spent several minutes thumbing through a folder that
had my name on it. For someone who had never been in trouble before, there was
quite a bit of material in the folder.

She stopped reading and studied me for a minute. “Why is a boy with a 4.0 GPA
sitting across from me being charged for underage consumption of alcohol, failure
to comply, evading police and resisting arrest?”

I hung my head. I had no answer to give her. What was I to do? Tell her my whole
life story that lead up to the answer she wanted. Even if she had the time,  I’m
sure she wouldn’t care to hear it. She just wanted to get this over with as
effortlessly and painlessly as I did.

“You have nothing to say?”

“No, Ma’am.”

The silence in the room was deafening. As I hung my head, I could tell she was still
staring at the top of my head. There was no noise, no shuffling of papers or the
interruption of a telephone call. Just silence.

She finally cleared her throat and spoke. “Look at me, Mr. Carpenter. Joey.” I
raised my head and looked into her sympathetic eyes.  

“I noticed that you go to Southwestern High School.” She thumbed through some
more papers on her desk. “It was a little difficult since it’s a Saturday, but I got
hold of Mr. Walters, the assistant principal. After reading your school records, I
realized I wasn’t dealing with a boy who is prone to a life of crime. We don’t get
many honor students in here. I found your case intriguing.”

She looked up and gave me a questioning look. “So I’m trying to understand what
brought you here today. My guess is a lot of it has to do with your father.”

At the mention of my old man’s name, my mood changed to anger. I sat erect and
became extremely defensive. I didn’t know where this conversation was going.

Sensing my anger, she said, “Calm down, Joey. After talking to your father on the
phone, I am quite sympathetic. He’s a real asshole.”

I bit the top of my lip, trying to stop a smile from appearing on my face. The last
thing I would expect a juvenile counselor to say was that my father was an
asshole, even though it is true.

“Mr. Walters shared a little bit of information with me.” She sat back and once
again studied me quietly. “I don’t think incarcerating you will do any good. In fact,
it could be detrimental to your case. Despite a bad home life, you go to school and
make exemplary grades. He tells me that you may well be this year’s
valedictorian, depending how you keep up your grades the remainder of the year. I
have to admit, I find that very respectable.”

“So, what’s going to happen to me?” I asked. She seemed to want to help me; but
there didn’t seem too much she could do, considering my present circumstances.

“Is there any responsible adult who can come and sign you out?”

My head sprung up, and I looked into her smiling face. “You’re releasing me?”

“Yes,” she responded, “and I hope I’m not making a mistake. I’ve been doing this
for twenty six years and I’ve never been wrong yet with my hunches. Please don’t
be the first to prove me wrong. You’ll be eighteen in a few months, and by the time
this made its way through the juvenile system you’d be an adult.”

“But I don’t know anyone,” I sighed. “Did you talk to my mother?”

“Yes, I did.” The frown on her face made it apparent the position my mother took.
She had to keep peace at home. If it meant abandoning me, then it was the price
she was willing to pay.

I suddenly had an idea. “Can it be anyone who is over eighteen?”

She nodded her head. “As long as they are eighteen and willing to be responsible
for your conduct.”

So Ticker arrived an hour later. He met with the counselor, who I later learned was
Mrs. Fulton. She had Ticker sign a few papers. Most were rather routine. She was
treating me basically as an adult, which she said wasn’t all that unusual for
someone who was approaching the age of eighteen.

When I asked about the charges against me, she said they would be dropped,
assuming I stayed out of trouble until I turned eighteen. I was also banned from
going anywhere near Louie’s. That wasn’t a problem, since I was pretty sure Louie
would never want to see me again.

“I told you that some day your vices were going to get you into trouble.” Ticker
grabbed me, pulled my head under his arm and began giving me a noogie. It had
been several years since he had done this. I tried to pull away, but since he was
twice my size, it was futile.

“Stop it, Fucker!” I squealed. “That shit hurts.” He let me go, throwing his arm
protectively around my shoulder.

“What are you going to do now?” he asked worriedly. “Your old man isn’t going to
take this too well.”

“Tell me.” I couldn’t decide if he had chosen decapitation or castration as a suitable
punishment for my rebellious behavior.

We got in his car and drove away. “Where do you want me to take you?”

“Home, I guess.” I didn’t know where else to go. I knew I’d have to face his wrath
sooner or later. It had been a couple of years since he last beat me, so maybe he
thought I had gotten too big to hit any longer.

“You sure?” He looked over at me with a worried look. He knew how angry my
father could be. Ticker was the only person who had really seen the bruises my
father had inflicted on my body when I was younger. He would daily look at the
bruises on my back and tell me what color they were. I was always relieved when
he told me they had disappeared; then I could go swimming again in the local pool-
at least until the next time.

“Not really,” I replied, “But where else am I going to go?”

Ticker dropped me off a block from my house. That was the usual routine. I wanted
my father to think that I was walking wherever I went, just in case he was
watching my activities.

When I approached the house, I could see my mother peeking out through the
curtains of the living room. She closed them when she saw me look at her.

When I walked around to the side of the house to the garage door, my clothes
were thrown all over the yard. It looked like my father had taken my dresser
drawers and just dumped them out. There were a couple of garbage bags nearby.   
I suppose that was my mother’s contribution.

I tried my key in the door, but it wouldn’t work. My father had changed the lock so
that I couldn’t enter the house. Dejectedly, I turned and stuffed the small amount
of clothing strewn over the yard into the trash bags. Once done, I threw them over
my shoulder and headed off down the sidewalk. I didn’t have a clue where to go.

One thing was certain, I needed money. There was only one way I knew to make
it. I hit the streets, and by midnight I’d been picked up by six guys. One was a
regular who tipped me nicely. I now had $150 in my pocket. At least I’d be able to
eat for the next week.

Finding someplace to sleep was a different problem. I had no where to go. I had no
family in the area and no friends. I couldn’t stay at Ticker’s house. He came from a
large family. There were three teenage boys in the home. The last thing they
needed was another mouth to feed. Besides, if Ticker did ask me to stay,   I’d
probably refuse. I knew it would cause a problem with him and his family, and I
didn’t want to come between them.

Sullivan Lake is cold at night. I’ve layered almost every article of clothes I own,
and  I’m still lying here shivering. A small breeze is blowing across the lake, and    
it’s almost unbearable. But where else am I going to go? If I stayed in the city, I’d
have to sleep in an alley somewhere. I was sure to be beaten and robbed by

I may be a street kid, but I don’t have a lot of street savvy. I can pick up a john
and score some weed, but I don’t know how to defend myself. That was evident
when Gene Albright wanted to kick my ass. A real street person would recognize
my weakness immediately.

So I came out to the lake. At least I knew I’d be safe. Although I did lie awake
most of the night because I wasn’t used to the strange noises that the outdoors
produces. I kept hearing the leaves rustling around me, and I was worried that
some stray animal would come suddenly upon me. And then there was that damn
owl. He hooted in the tree over my head most of the night.


“You look like shit.” Billy Joe was the first person to notice me Monday morning
when I entered school. Camille even wrinkled her nose when I approached. I was
carrying my two bags of clothing, hoping I could cram them into my locker.

“I feel like shit,” I responded as I wandered off in the direction of my locker.

I tried to sleep during first period; however, Mrs. Vandyke, my physiology teacher,
was lecturing. She had a habit of walking around the room and standing
deliberately over students whom she thought weren’t paying attention. She
seemed to be spending an unusually long time at my desk.

“Would Joey Carpenter report to the main office?” Everyone turned to look at me
when the announcement was made over the PA system. I arose from my desk and
hurried from the room. “His boyfriend is here to pick him up,” someone said loudly
as the rest of the class started laughing.

When I entered, the school secretary asked me to have a seat. She said that Mr.
Walters would like to see me. He was on the phone, but he would be with me
shortly. Fifteen minutes later, he walked out and motioned for me to follow him to
his office. When I sat down, he leaned back in his seat and put his hands behind   
his head. He stared at me for about a minute before saying anything. “You got
yourself into a little trouble over the weekend?” He continued to stare at me as he
rocked slowly in his chair.

“Yes, Sir,” I replied embarrassedly. My head was down as I watched an ant slowly
make its way across the floor.

“I talked to Mrs. Fulton, and she told me she released you with some conditions.”

“Yes, Sir.” Again, I refused to look up.

“I’ve known for some time that you’ve had problems at home,” he said softly, “but
you seemed to be all right. You come to school and do well. I know that  you’ve
had trouble with other students sometimes harassing you, but you seemed to deal
with it. And I’ve heard the gossip of what you do once you leave these doors.”

Goddamn it! NO! Not fucking tears. I can’t stop them. They’re flowing down my
cheeks; and no matter how quickly I wipe them away with my sleeve, they still
keep falling.

Mr. Walters handed me a handful of tissues and sat quietly while I composed
myself.  I don’t think I had ever been so embarrassed in my life. Even going to
school with bruises on me wasn’t as bad as breaking down in front of another man.
I don’t know what happened. I guess it was the gentle way he was talking to me. It
kind of reminded me the way Uncle Mike would talk softly to me- like he cared
about me.

“You look unclean, so I’m guessing that you didn’t stay at home this weekend?” I
just sat looking down and shook my head.

“You want to tell me what happened?” Again the tears began to flow as I sadly
shook my head.

“Here.” He leaned across the desk and handed me a piece of paper with an address
on it.

“What is this?”

“It’s the address of a halfway house,” he informed me. “We have three other
students who are currently staying there. You’ll be safe. I called Gerald McAfee,  
the director, and he’ll be expecting you after school.”

“Thank you.” I reached out and took the paper and put it in my pocket. I was
pretty sure I wouldn’t be using it, but at least I had an option if I needed it. “Can I
go now?”

“Joey,” he said almost in a whisper. I looked up at him and saw a concerned look in
his eyes. “You’re a bright boy, maybe one of the best we’ve ever had at this
school. Honestly, I don’t know how you do it with all the things going on in your
life. Why bad things happen to good people, I don’t have an answer.”

I sat and let the tears fall from my face unashamedly. Across from me sat
someone who genuinely cared for me, that I knew. The least I could do was listen
to what he had to say.

“Regardless of what you’re thinking now, you have a bright future ahead of you,”
he said. “You’re too smart to throw it away.”

I started nervously laughing. “Maybe my future is bright, but right now things are
fucked up.”

“Give Gerald and his staff a chance to help you,” he assured me.

“No disrespect, Mr. Walters,” I responded sadly, “but I don’t think anyone can help
me.” I turned and walked out of his office with tears flowing from my eyes.  I had
been consumed with depression before, but nothing compared to the way I was

I didn’t even bother to go to class. I just headed for the nearest exit and left the
school. In my mind, it would probably be the final time. I was determined never to

I roamed the streets for most of the day, looking into cars for someone to pick me
up.  I got in the car with one elderly gentleman and we drove into a nearby alley.  
I sucked his cock and jumped out of the car before he even had a chance to pay

Fuck it. What’s the point anymore?

Night time in the city is a scary place. I had walked around endless hours before,
but I always returned home. This time I had to survive, and it was frightening. I
roamed the dark alleys trying to find a safe place to sleep. My head was hurting,
and I just wanted to lie down for a few hours.

I heard a song on the radio a few years ago which I found amusing. The lyrics said
something about the creeps coming out at night. That was never truer. I don’t
know where they hide during the day, but they permeate the streets at night.

They look hard. Most appeared empty and lifeless. They just wander in search of
something. For some, it is a discarded cigarette butt lying on a sidewalk. For
others,  it is a naïve person who will give them a dollar handout. For others, it is
sex. Not the kind you pay for, but the kind you just take.

I found a place to hide that I thought was reasonably safe; but within ten minutes I
was approached and asked for money. One guy went so far as to go through my
pockets. Luckily, I had hidden it in the bottom of my shoe.

Another guy sat down across the alley and just stared at me. He’d nod
occasionally, but I wasn’t sure why. I soon found out. He took out his cock and
started masturbating. When he got, walked over to me and pointed it in my face, I
ran out of the alley and into the street.

The clock on the bank said it was 2:13. It had been over three days since I had had
a decent sleep. I felt like a zombie walking the eerily quiet streets. It’s funny how
things just suddenly go silent. Earlier, the noise had given me a headache. Now the
silence was making me uncomfortable.

As I walked down the street, I had a weird feeling that I was being watched. I kept
stopping every minute or two and looking back to see if I was being followed. I
peered carefully into every alley as I passed by, expecting someone to jump out at

I fumbled in my pocket and retrieved the number to the halfway house that Mr.
Walters had given me earlier in the day. I was able to find a phone that worked. It
has always baffled me why people pulled out the receiver and left it lying in the
phone booth. Was it done by an angry boyfriend or by some vandals getting a
momentary thrill?

I dialed the number, but I got a recorded message. A fucking recorded message.   
I thought they were in the business of helping kids. How in the hell can they help
someone on the street late at night when all you get is a recording saying, “We
cannot answer the phone at the moment. Please leave your name and number,
and we will get back to you shortly.”

I slammed the phone down. Out of frustration, I ripped the receiver off the hook. I
guess that answered my question as to who would do something like that. I wonder
how many other phones have been ripped out by some desperate kid needing a
safe place to stay at night?

I then headed to the only place I knew where I would be safe- Sullivan Lake. Since
I was on the other side of town, I had to pass over the bridge where I had met
Allen Foster a few days earlier.

I sat down in the middle of the bridge and pulled my legs tightly against my body.
The wind was blowing a cold breeze from the water below. Depression consumed
me like never before. I had hit rock bottom. I felt there was no hope and no way
out of my current situation. The black paint had been splattered completely against
the easel. There was no trace of any color- just utter darkness. I stood up.

Fuck it.

Chapter 5                                   Return to TMJ