Ticker and Star were sitting in the living room waiting on me to get home. Both
gave me a cold stare when I walked in. I gave them a ‘don’t fuck with me’ look,
and then I headed up to Ticker’s room.
As soon as I lay down on the cot, Star came barging in. She stood in front of me
with her arms crossed. “What the hell is going on with you?”
I buried my head in the pillow. I wasn’t ready for another confrontation. I just
wanted to be left alone.
Star grabbed my sleeve and tried to lift me up. “Sit up and listen to me.”
“Leave me alone, Star,” I muttered into the pillow.
“Allen tried to kill himself tonight!” She let out a loud sob and then walked over and
sat down on Ticker’s bed. I kept the pillow over my head, stunned by what she had
I heard Ticker enter the room and walk over to the bed. I peered under the pillow
and saw him holding her while she cried into his chest. I sat up and looked across
the room. “What happened?”
Star removed her head from Ticker’s chest and screamed, “As if you care!” Her
head fell back into Ticker’s chest as she continued to cry.
“When we went back to his room,” Ticker said softly, never taking his eyes off me.
“He had pulled all the tubes from his body, and there was blood everywhere. He
Tears started streaming down my face. “Is he all right?” Ticker gave me a sad look.
I was afraid to hear his next words.
“They took him back into surgery.” He still had his arm around Star and was
patting her softly on her back. “When we left, he was in critical condition.” She let
out another loud sob.
She raised her head and looked over at me. “What did you say to him?”
What could I say? No one but the two of us knew about our exchange. Ticker knew
I was a hustler, but he didn’t know that Allen had seen me in the car with Roger.
And Star would never understand. It would take weeks for me to explain
everything that led up to tonight’s encounter.
“Well?” She screamed. “What did you say to him?”
“Fuck you, Star.” I rose from the cot and stood before her. “You think you’re so
God damned righteous. What the hell would you know? You live in a fucking
mansion and have everything you’ve ever wanted. You wouldn’t know what it is
like to sleep on a cold, hard ground because you don’t have anywhere else to
Tears were pouring down my face. “No one’s loved me my whole damned life!” I
put my hands over my head and screamed out, “I’m so fucking tired of this fucking
shit!” I gave them one last look before running from the room.
I walked the streets for hours. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. Several
guys tried to pick me up, but I just flipped them off and walked away. It was late
when I stood before the massive white building, Community General Hospital.
“Can you tell me the condition of Allen Foster?” I was standing before the
information desk. An elderly man typed something on the computer and then
looked back up at me.
“He’s in room 4112, but it’s late and you’ll have to wait until visiting hours
“But is he all right?” I pleaded.
“It doesn’t give me that information,” he stated. “Only his room number.”
“Thank you,” I said dejectedly. “Can you tell me where the restroom is located?”
He pointed toward a hallway on his left. “It’s down that corridor.”
I headed to the restroom, but on the way I passed the elevators. Without
hesitating, I entered and hit the button for the fourth floor.
I exited to a quiet hallway. No one was in sight. On the wall was a sign indicating
that room 4112 was to the left down a long corridor. Carefully, I made my way
Allen’s room was dark. The curtain had been drawn, and the only light was from
the monitoring machines. I could make out his frail body lying under the white
sheets. I looked at the numbers on the machines, but they were meaningless. I
had no idea how his body was holding up.
His left hand was sticking out from under the sheets. I scooted a chair near the bed
and sat down. I took his hand and held it. He squeezed it slightly. While still holding
his hand, I put my head on the side of the bed and closed my eyes. He gently
squeezed my hand again before I feel asleep.
“Young Man, wake up!” I was awakened by someone shaking my shoulder. I sat up
and looked groggily around the room. A nurse was standing beside me looking
down. “Who are you? You’re not supposed to be here right now.”
I thought for a second before answering. “I’m his brother,” I replied. “He’s sick and
he needs someone to be here with him.”
“We have a staff that can do that,” she responded. “You really do have to leave.
It’s after two in the morning.”
“Please let me stay,” I begged. “I’m not hurting anyone, and he really needs me to
be here.” As if he heard my words, he squeezed my hand.” The nurse looked down
and noticed the gesture. “See,” I said. “Please let me stay.”
She looked thoughtfully at me. “It’s not uncommon for a family member to stay
the night when someone is as ill as Mr. Foster is.”
I think I stopped breathing when she said that. As ill as he is. It sounded so
ominous. “How sick is he?”
“He lost a lot of blood last night,” she said. “His vital signs have stabilized, but it
looked for a while like we were going to lose him.” Tears welled up in my eyes as I
gently squeezed his hand. He responded by squeezing my hand more firmly.
She gently pushed me out of the way. “Let me attend to him for a minute, then I’ll
leave. But I’ll be in and out all night. So if you decide to stay, you won’t get much
“That’s all right,” I said appreciatively. I was just glad she wasn’t making me leave.
She was right about one thing- I didn’t get any more sleep. A hospital can be a
very noisy place at night. No wonder many people go home sicker than when they
came in. If the nurse wasn’t coming in to check on him, then there was the noise
coming from nearby rooms. One woman yelled out in pain all night. Hospital
personnel kept going in and out of her room, but she continued to scream.
And what is it with lights at night in a hospital? If you didn’t look out the window,
you couldn’t tell if it was day or night inside. The nurse continuously left Allen’s
overhead light on when she left, but I would get up and turn if off. We repeated
this several times.
I managed to doze off for a few minutes, but I was awakened by another nurse.
“Who are you?” I looked up into the scowling face of an elderly nurse. “Who gave
you permission to be here?”
“I’m his brother,” I informed here; however, she didn’t seem to care.
“Well,” she huffed. “You have to leave. Visiting hours begin at eight.” I looked over
at the clock on the wall. It was 5:42.
“The other nurse said I could stay,” I insisted.
“I’m not the other nurse,” she remarked rudely. “Now leave before I call security
and have you removed.” She crossed her arms and stood defiantly in front of me.
I stood up, leaned in and gave Allen a gentle kiss on his forehead. She seemed
repulsed by my action. “Just a brotherly kiss,” I said smugly.
When I gave his hand a final squeeze, he squeezed mine tightly. I then leaned in
and kissed him on his lips. When I looked at the nurse, she was astonished. “Just
another brotherly kiss.” I laughed as I walked out of the room.
I headed directly to school after leaving Allen’s room. Since I had an hour to kill, I
stopped off at the coffee shop. When I walked in, I noticed Star sitting in a booth at
the end of the store. I purchased my coffee and ordered two blueberry muffins. I
handed the waitress my last ten dollar bill.
Star looked up when she saw me approach, but then continued writing. Since she
had her literature book opened, I figured she was trying to make a last minute
effort to finish Mr. Vickers’s assignment.
I pulled out a chair and sat down without saying a word. I pushed one of the
muffins over to her. “Thanks,” she said as she picked it up and started nibbling on it.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you last night.” I
looked over to see her reaction, but she continued writing as if she hadn’t heard
“How do you spell inevitable?”
“What?” She looked at me and rolled her eyes. “I-n-e-v-i-t-a-b-l-e.”
“Thanks.” She continued to write, nibbling at her muffin.
“I’m a hustler,” I blurted out. Star looked up and gave me a questioning look. “I
said I’m a hustler, or rather I was.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I used to hustle for money,” I continued. “That’s how I was able to pay my way.
It’s something I’m not proud of, but it’s the only way I could eat.”
She didn’t say a word. She just continued to stare at me.
“Allen saw me with a guy the other night.” Tears started to form in my eyes.
“That’s why he’s mad at me. Now you know.” I put my head down on the table and
cried softly. Star got up and sat down beside me. She put her hand on my neck and
rubbed it gently.
“I had to eat,” I mumbled.
“I had no idea.” Her voice was filled with emotion. I sat with my head down for
several minutes. Star continued to rub my neck and back, trying to comfort me. I
was glad that she hadn’t gotten up and walked out of my life after I finally told her
about my unseemly past.
After a few minutes, I was able to compose myself and sat back up. Star took hold
of my hand and squeezed it. “Tell me about it,” she said softly. I then told her my
life story- a condensed version. I didn’t leave out any details. I told her about Uncle
Mike and how my parents had disowned me after discovering us together. I told
her how I had to hustle older men to make money, and then I told her about being
arrested for stealing.
She started to cry when I went into detail how I had tried to kill myself that night
on the bridge; and then how I had attempted to experience the sensation again. I
was afraid she’d get up when I related how Allen had seen me performing oral sex
on Roger; and then how he had reacted afterwards. When I was finished, she sat
quietly for several minutes drinking her coffee.
“How much of this does Allen know?”
“I told him most of it the night I stayed overnight at his place,” I said. “I just didn’t
tell him about the other men.”
“I can understand why you didn’t,” she said. “I guess some things are a little too
“And embarrassing,” I added quickly.
We sat for a few minutes in silence. She would look over and stare at me, as if she
were seeing me for the first time. Feeling uncomfortable, I took the paper she was
working on and read it.
“This is pretty good,” I said after finishing. She and Ticker had completely rewritten
what I had done earlier. It appeared more like it was written by a typical high
school student. I still wasn’t sure if Mr. Vickers was going to believe she had written
it. After all, she hadn’t used Wadsworth once in the report.
“So what now?” She asked as she took a drink of coffee.
“You turn it in,” I replied.
No, Joey,” she frowned. “I’m talking about you and Allen.”
“I don’t know,” I responded sadly. “I honestly don’t know.”
“You can’t keep hurting each other,” she said. “He cares about you. I can tell. The
other night, before all this happened, I could see a difference in him. It’s like you
two were meant for each other.”
“It won’t happen,” I replied.
“There’s too much working against us,” I said remorsefully. “Our ages, his illness,
my past, his past.”
Star reached down and took my hand. “Do you care about him?”
I remembered just hours earlier when I was holding his hand while he lay
unconscious in the hospital bed. The gentle squeezes of our hands. It was if he
knew I was with him. I wanted to believe he knew I was there.
“I think so,” I finally responded. She frowned. “Okay, yes. I care about him.”
“Then you can’t give up,” she insisted. She looked at the clock on the wall. It was a
little past seven. “I’m going to stop by the hospital before going to school. Will you
come with me?”
“I’d better go to school,” I replied. “I’m too far behind in my assignments. I need
to talk to my teachers before school starts. Besides, I spent the night with him.”
Her eyes shot open in surprise. “You were at the hospital last night?” I nodded.
“Why didn’t you tell me? How is he?”
“He didn’t wake up,” I informed her. “But he kept squeezing my hand.”
“Squeezing your hand?”
I then told her how I had spent the night holding Allen’s hand, and then how the
morning nurse had asked me to leave. She giggled when I told her about kissing
Allen just to anger the nurse.
“Then will you go with me after school?” she asked hopefully. I could see the
Mother Star beginning to emerge once again. Reluctantly, I nodded.
“Good,” she exclaimed. She stood and gathered her books and papers and put
them hurriedly into her book bag. “I’ve got to get over there and back to school in
time for Mr. Vickers class.”
Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. “Why don’t you call Ticker? He’ll come and
pick you up.”
“You think he will?”
“I’m sure he will.”
It surprised me when Star had his number on her speed dial. Ticker arrived fifteen
minutes later. He dropped me off at school before taking Star to see Allen.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Walters,” I said. “I promise to try harder.”
I was sitting in Mr. Walter’s office. He was leaning back in his chair and studying
me. He had just informed me that my grades had dropped substantially, and that
there was a chance that I would lose my valedictorian spot to Gladys Babcock. If I
continued at the rate I was going, my grades wouldn’t even be good enough to be
“I really want to see you standing up there giving the valedictorian speech next
year,” he exclaimed. “No one in your class has had to go through such
insurmountable odds to succeed. Don’t let me down.”
“I’m really trying to get my life together,” I informed him. “I’m staying with
Ticker’s family now. I’m not out on the streets. I’m not drinking and I hardly ever
smoke weed any more.” He raised his eyebrows and gave me an angry look.
“Said too much?” I laughed. He nodded. “Scratch that last part.” He let a small
smile form, but he pretended to still be upset with me.
“All right,” he said. “I’ll talk to your teachers and see if they will let you make up
some of the work you’ve missed lately. I can’t promise you anything, but we’ll see.”
“Thanks, Mr. Walters.” I reached across his desk and shook his hand. “I won’t let
you down. I promise.”
“Fine.” He wrote me a pass to class and handed it to me. “And remember, smoking
marijuana makes you sterile.” He looked at me and smiled.
“Then I have nothing to worry about.” I laughed as I exited his office.
As I was walking down the hall to first period, I saw Gene heading my way.
Thinking he didn’t see me, I ducked into a nearby restroom. As I stood at a urinal,
the door opened and Gene entered.
He walked up to the urinal and began to piss. Since there was a partition between
us, I didn’t have to worry that he would think I was looking at him. I finished, then
walked over and started washing my hands. I heard the urinal flush, and I looked
in the mirror at him as he walked up and stood beside me.
I quickly looked down; but when he started washing his hands, I looked back up to
see him staring at me in the mirror. I looked to see how far I was from the exit in
case he decided he wanted to start something while we were alone. There would
be no witnesses if he decided he wanted to beat the shit out of me.
I was surprised when he cleared his throat and asked, “How’s my brother?” I
looked back into the mirror at his face. He looked concerned as he waited for me to
answer. My first instinct was to say, “Fuck off, you bastard,” but his worried
expression changed my attitude.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “He was unconscious when I left him this morning.”
A blank expression came over his face as he tried to understand why I had been
with his brother last night. I wasn’t even sure if he knew of the grave condition he
was in. After meeting his mother, I had a feeling that she and Gene didn’t
“Oh,” he remarked. I stared into his eyes trying to understand why he had decided
to have this conversation with me. In the past, the only time he had something to
say was when he was with Barry; and then it was confrontational. Being alone with
him, I felt like I was with someone else.
He finished wiping his hands and headed to the door. Before leaving, he turned and
said, “I hope he gets to feeling better.” His voice cracked with emotion. He turned
and hurried from the restroom, leaving me wondering what had just happened.
From what Star and Allen’s mother had said, I thought of him as a heartless
bastard who hated his brother. But the boy I had just spoken to seemed like a
caring individual who was concerned about his brother’s health.
I spent the rest of the day sucking up to my teachers. My grades had suffered
dramatically since I had missed a major test in almost every class. The daily work
wasn’t a problem, but most teachers seemed reluctant to let me make up a test. In
every class the tests had been handed back to the students. Do you have any idea
how hard it is to convince a teacher to give you a make up test that they will have
to specially prepare when you have no convincing reason for them to do so? I
even offered to go home with my French teacher for the weekend and clean her
yard and garage. After she finished laughing, she reluctantly agreed to give me a
By the end of the day, I had convinced all my teachers to let me make up the work
I had missed and make up any exams. I later found out that Mr. Walters had sent
them an individual email asking for leniency. Again, I had been given another
chance. This time I was determined not to let anyone down.
I went to the library after school to use a computer so I could finish the research
paper for my economics class. I had been working for about fifteen minutes when
Gene walked in and sat about two carrels from me. I watched out of the corner of
my eye as he pulled out a book and some papers and began working. Occasionally,
he’d look over at me, but he would quickly look away when he saw me notice.
I was too engrossed in my writing to notice Gene get up and walk over to me.
“Joey.” I jumped when he walked up behind me and called my name. “Do you have
the notes that Mrs. Moss gave us in class today? I can’t find mine.”
I turned around and looked up at him. He had a sheepish expression on his face.
He would look at me, and then his eyes would dart quickly around the library. He
appeared extremely nervous talking to me.
I remembered him having his head down and sleeping during class. In fact, almost
the entire class had fallen asleep except for me. I think it surprised Mrs. Moss when
I listened attentively to her and took notes. After all, just minutes earlier I had
begged her to let me make up the assignments I had missed. I couldn’t start out
the first day by falling asleep in class.
“Um, sure Gene.” I dug around in my book bag and found the notebook I used for
trigonometry. I shuffled through some pages until I found the ones I had taken
earlier in the morning.
“Here.” I handed him the notebook, pointing out the ones I had written.
“Thanks.” He surprised me when he sat in the carrel next to mine and began
copying from my notebook. Since my writing looks like chicken scratch, he had to
ask me a couple of times what a word was. On one occasion, he leaned over and
pointed to a word. When he did, our legs lightly touched. He looked down and
quickly backed away. “Sorry,” he said apologetically.
“No problem,” I replied. I looked up and found him staring at me. His face
reddened as he scooted back and continued working.
He finished writing and closed his notebook, handing me back mine. “Thanks, Joey.
I’m glad someone stayed awake in class,” he laughed. “I’m not going to be eligible
to play baseball if I fail this class.”
I reached for my notebook, again noticing that he was staring intently at me. He
gave me a quick, short smile before getting up and returning to his carrel. I
watched as he packed up his books. Before leaving, he turned and nodded. I
nodded back and watched as he walked away.
After he left, I found it extremely difficult to concentrate any longer on my
assignment. I couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened with Gene. For
the past couple of weeks he had been hostile to me. He had even gotten suspended
for hitting me. But he seemed to be a different guy when he wasn’t around his
friends. He had seemed almost friendly. I finally decided that I couldn’t get
anymore work done, so I packed up my books and left.
I had promised Star that I would stop by the hospital when I finished at school. My
stomach was in knots by the time I got off the bus and stood outside the hospital.
I didn’t know if Allen would still be unconscious- or even worse. When I reached
his room, my hands were shaking and I had developed a throbbing headache.
Chapter 14 Return to TMJ