When I got home, Billy and his friend, Lonnie, were playing basketball in the
driveway. Lonnie was a regular fixture at our house. He was almost like having
another brother around. Lonnie wasn’t very athletic, but he and Billy seemed to
get along well. In fact, Lonnie was one of Billy’s most ardent fans. He attended all
his baseball games and you could often hear him shouting at the umpire if my
brother struck out at bat.
“Wanna play?” Lonnie tossed me the ball. He was cute, but in a normal sort of
way. Nothing about him stood out. He was 5’8” tall and weighed about 130
pounds. His hair was cut rather short and he had a few pimples on his face. He
was just an average looking teenager. He made good grades in school and he was
a good influence on Billy. They’d often spend a couple of hours in our bedroom
working on homework assignments, which Billy probably would not have done if he
wasn’t prodded by Lonnie to do so.
“Sure.” I laid my book bag down and tossed the ball back to him. He smiled and
then dribbled past me, laying it in the basket.
“Lucky shot,” I smiled. He went out of bounds and tossed me the ball. Before it
reached me, Billy ran from behind and grabbed it. He threw it at the basket-
nothing but rim.
“Yes!” He shouted as he fisted Lonnie.
“It’s on!” I shouted as he tossed me the ball. For the next hour we played a very
physical game. I’d watched them play before, but I never noticed how much they
liked to touch each other as they guarded the basket. There was always a hand
on the back or waist. A couple of times I noticed my brother place his hand on
They also became physical with me about half way through the game. The more we
joked and kidded each other, it seemed like the more the contact developed,
especially Lonnie. A few times he reached out and felt my chest when I dribbled
toward him. When I’d go around, he’d reach out and place his hands on my side.
On one occasion, as I was going toward the basket, he ran his hand across my
cock. At first I thought it was accidental, but he did it a few more times afterwards.
Once he even stepped back and smiled at me when I moved away.
“I got to take a break,” I announced as my body began to ache. I had already run
laps at school, so I was quickly becoming tired. I looked at Billy and Lonnie. “You
guys want something to drink?”
“Sure,” responded Billy. “Can you bring us some iced tea?” He looked over at
Lonnie who nodded his approval.
I went into the kitchen for the drinks. It didn’t appear that anyone else was home.
I got out three large glasses and went to the refrigerator and took out a large
pitcher of tea. It was a favorite in the Barnes’ home and Mom usually kept a fresh
As I stood at the counter, I looked out the window as Billy and Lonnie continued to
play. I was astonished when Lonnie went for a shot and my brother reached
around behind him and quickly squeezed his cock. Lonnie turned and giggled and
then shot the basketball. When Billy took the ball, Lonnie did the same thing to
him. It wasn’t a hand brushing accidentally against his shorts. Lonnie grabbed my
brother’s cock and playfully squeezed it.
I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I knew that Lonnie had felt my crotch a few
times earlier, but I had shrugged it off as just innocent play. But watching them in
the driveway, the close contact between them, the playful bantering they were
doing, one thing was becoming obvious- my brother and Lonnie were more than
I wondered how I had missed that. All the times they had spent in our bedroom
and not once had I picked up that there may be something more going on with
them. Maybe they had shown an interest in each other and I just didn’t see it.
Maybe now that I was questioning my own sexuality, I was becoming more aware
I looked back out the window and watched them sit down on the curb. They
moved closer so that their bodies were rubbing against each other. They’d look at
each other, say something and then start laughing. In the past I thought they
were just good friends, enjoying each other’s company. Now as I watched them I
began to realize it was more than that. They appeared to be boyfriends.
Now new fears emerged. What if Billy came to me and wanted to talk? What if he
wanted me to give him advice? I was his older brother and he trusted me. How
could I talk to him and not give myself away? Could I honestly tell him it was okay
if he was gay, when I was fighting my own battles?
Then I thought of Mom and Dad. Had Billy told them yet? Our parents were open
minded and they always taught us not to judge other people. My mother saw the
world as beautiful flowers. “Each person is a flower. Some are red roses, some are
purple violets,” she’d say. “Even some are pink carnations.”
I never knew what she meant by that until lately. Did the pink flowers to her
symbolize gay people? Did she somehow know that one of her children would grow
up to be gay? Was that her way of telling us that she and Dad were alright with it?
I was now more confused than ever. And my worries began to mount. What if Billy
and I were both gay? He had always looked up to me. Even though he might be
gay, would he be disappointed if I was also? I know that sounds strange, but what
if he wanted me to be straight. After all, he always assumed I was. I had a
girlfriend whom he loved, and Rachel was crazy about him. She’d often insist that
he go with us to a movie if it was something he could see. He was like a little
brother to her. The three of us had fun together. What would he say if I no longer
My thoughts were interrupted when the back door flew open and Billy and Lonnie
came running in. “Where’s our tea?” Billy shouted. “You went to get it fifteen
I looked at Billy as if I were seeing him for the first time. When I left this morning,
he was brushing his teeth in our bathroom. I looked at him and noticed how young
he appeared, even though he stood over six feet tall. He was innocent- and
But now stood before me a stranger. How long did he intend to hide his secret
from me? Perhaps he didn’t have one. Perhaps his and Lonnie’s friendship was
innocent. But as I looked at them standing with their bodies pressed against each
other, I knew.
“What?” Billy gave me a puzzled look as I stood holding two glasses of tea. He
looked down worriedly at Lonnie.
“Nothing,” I said reassuringly as I walked over and handed him a glass. Lonnie
stared up at me with a worried look as I handed him the cold glass. I could see fear
in his eyes. I think he knew I knew. I think he realized that he and Billy had been
careless. Our playful bantering had turned into more. His hand grabbing my crotch
had carried the game too far, and now he feared his and Billy’s secret was exposed.
I wanted to reach out and hold him. I wanted to tell him everything was alright. It
was okay to be gay. But I couldn’t. I need time to think. I had to understand
myself before I could begin to help them understand themselves. I was the big
brother. I was supposed to know these things.
Billy looked over at Lonnie and said, “Let’s go.” Lonnie gave me another quick look
and they went upstairs to our room. A few minutes later I heard the shower. I
crept upstairs to see if they were in the bathroom together. I knew they wouldn’t
be, but I had to make sure.
Billy was lying in just his underwear on the bed reading a sports magazine when I
walked in. He looked up but continued reading as I sat down at the computer desk.
I turned it on and checked my email. I was responding to a friend when Lonnie
walked into the room. He was naked. He didn’t see me at the desk when he started
giggling and tugged on his small cock. Billy shook his head and looked over at me.
“Shit!” Lonnie squealed. He wrapped his towel around him and ran back across the
hall to the bathroom. I looked over at Billy and his face was a bright red. I turned
back to my computer, pretending that I hadn’t seen anything. Minutes later the
bathroom door opened and Lonnie came back into our bedroom. He was dressed
in his street clothes. Billy got up and went into the bathroom, leaving me and
I kept turning to see what he was doing. He was sitting on the edge of Billy’s bed
with his head hung down. I could tell he was still extremely embarrassed about
what had happened earlier.
“It’s okay,” I finally said. He looked over at me.
“I said it’s okay.” I turned and faced him. “Billy and I walk around naked all the
time. It doesn’t bother me.”
He started to say something else, but he hung his head and muttered, “Okay.” As
if on cue, the bathroom door opened and Billy came walking naked into the room.
Lonnie quickly looked up, but returned his gaze to the floor. Occasionally, he’d take
a quick peek as Billy put on his underwear and shorts. When he finished dressing,
he nodded at Lonnie and they left the room.
I sat at my desk unable to concentrate on reading email. All I could think of was
Pandora’s Box had been opened again. This time it involved someone I loved. Not
only did I have to deal with my own struggles, I had to also protect my brother
from the evils of the jar.
We had another interesting dinner. Billy invited Lonnie to join us. It wasn’t unusual
because he had eaten with us many times; however, the silence at the table was
deafening. Usually, Billy and Lonnie would tell jokes and have everyone laughing.
This evening was different. Neither of them hardly said a word.
My mother kept asking them if they were alright. They would nod their heads and
say a polite, “Yes, Ma’am.” Even my father couldn’t get Billy interested in talking
about baseball, and Billy never passed up a chance to discuss his favorite sport.
After dinner they went back up to our bedroom while I sat in the family room
watching television with Mom, Dad and Josh. Brenda had a friend over and they
were playing in her bedroom.
“How’s track season look?” My father asked when a commercial came on. He
enjoyed sports, and he was happy that all his sons had participated in something.
He was trying to encourage Josh to take up martial arts. He had taken him to a
couple of karate and judo exhibitions, hoping he would get him interested in the
“Okay, I guess.” I told him about the guy Coach Templeton was bringing in to help
“I’ll have to stop by and meet him,” said Dad. “I want to make sure you get the
Dad is an insurance agent and can pretty much make his own hours. It isn’t
unusual to see him sitting in the bleachers watching me practice after school. He
hasn’t missed one of my meets since I started running. One thing I admired about
him, he never tries to interfere like some parents do. He just enjoys watching us
participate. He had played football and wrestled in high school and college. Now in
his fifties, I sometimes feel that he wishes he was still young again.
When they turned the program over to the History Channel, I left the room. I got
enough learning at school. I didn’t have to spend my nights watching something
When I went to my room, Billy and Lonnie were lying on Billy’s bed doing
homework. They were pressed up against each other, but jumped apart when I
entered the room. I went over to my desk and started working on a report for
government while they worked on algebra homework.
We’d been working quietly for about twenty minutes when the door flew open.
I jumped when Kenny shouted out, “Northview Lions Roar!” He then started
jumping around the room roaring like a wild animal. I laughed until Adrian came
trailing behind him into the room.
Kenny jumped on Billy’s bed and started tickling him. My brother squealed and
Lonnie jumped on Kenny’s back trying to pull his arms away. I sat and stared at
Adrian. I couldn’t understand what he was doing in my room. Why had Kenny
brought him by without asking me first?
Adrian looked uncomfortable. He’d look over at Kenny and my brother wrestling on
the bed, and then he’d look over at me. It appeared he wanted to leave, and I
would have been happy if he had.
Even though I was angry, his appearance still had the same effect on me it did the
first time I met him. My eyes scanned his body. I looked at his crotch, seeing if I
could see the bulge that he had when he was wearing his skimpy running shorts
earlier in the afternoon.
I looked into his handsome face and noticed his long eyelashes and the thin
mustache and goatee he wore. His brown skin was flawless. He was looking at
Kenny, but he turned suddenly and noticed me admiring him. He appeared to blush
as he cast his eyes to the floor.
After giving Billy a noogie, Kenny jumped up from the bed and walked over to
where I was sitting. He looked down at my monitor.
“Hey, Perv,” he laughed. “Where’s the porn?” I quickly looked over at Adrian. He
was trying to hold back a laugh.
Billy walked over to Adrian and extended his hand. “Hi, I’m Billy.” Adrian gave him a
“I’m Adrian,” he replied. Kenny walked over and threw his arm around him.
“This, My Boy,” he said to Billy, “is my new catcher.”
“Wow!” Billy replied. “You must be good. Kenny doesn’t let just anyone catch for
“He is,” remarked Kenny. “Too bad he’s a senior or he could catch for you next
year.” Kenny explained to Adrian how Billy was going to be his replacement when
he graduated. Within a few minutes, they were talking like they had been friends
As I sat and watched them I was becoming jealous. Billy seemed to really like
Adrian. Even Lonnie had joined in on the conversation. The only time Adrian
seemed uncomfortable was when he looked over at me. He’d smile slightly and
then look down at the floor.
“We’d better go,” Kenny said after they’d been talking for about a half hour.
“Coach wants us on the field at nine.”
“Nine!” Adrian said surprisingly. “On a Saturday?”
“How do you think we became the top team in the state?” He replied. “Only pussies
sleep late on Saturday morning.” He looked over at me and smiled. “Ain’t that
right, Zac?” Billy and Lonnie started laughing.
I looked over at my brother. “Like you don’t get up before noon?” It was Billy’s
turn to blush.
Kenny turned back to me. “Why don’t you join us?”
“You’re kidding, right?” I responded. “Why would I want to get up and watch you
guys toss balls around early on a Saturday morning.”
Kenny grinned. “Because you love me.” He walked over and tried to pull me into a
I laughed and pushed him away. “Fag!” I shouted. I looked over and saw a hurt
look on my brother’s face. He quickly looked at Lonnie and frowned. I immediately
regretted saying it. He felt like I did when Armstrong had muttered it to me earlier.
Kenny didn’t react. We’d been calling each other names for years. However, I
noticed that Adrian saw the look that Billy and I shared. It was as if he sensed how
Billy responded to my comment.
He walked over and shook Billy’s hand again. “It was nice meeting you,” he said. He
reached out and ruffled Lonnie’s hair. “You too, Squirt,” he laughed.
“Hey!” Lonnie squealed. “I’m not a squirt. Just because I’m not built like you guys.”
I became jealous when his eyes scanned Adrian’s body.
“Let’s go,” Kenny grabbed Adrian’s arm and pulled him toward the door.
Adrian stopped and looked over at me. “See you tomorrow, Zac?”
I frowned. “I doubt it.” His smile disappeared. Another tug and he left the room.
I looked over at Billy as he gave me an angry look.
“That was rude,” he said. “Adrian’s a nice guy.”
“If you say so,” I quipped as I turned and continued working on my assignment.
I worked for another twenty minutes. I kept glancing out of the corner of my eye
at Billy and Lonnie as they lay stretched out on the bed. They pretended to be
working on algebra, but they were more interested in a playful game of leg
I got up from my chair and walked over to the door. I nodded at Billy and
announced, “I’m going downstairs for about a half hour to watch television with
Mom and Dad. I’ll knock before I come back in.” Billy’s face turned red as he smiled
and nodded back.
Instead of going into the family room, I went outside onto the deck. I sat down in
a chaise lounger and closed my eyes. The sun was setting and the weather was
comfortable. Before long I fell asleep. I don’t know how long I’d been dozing before
I heard someone slide open the patio door. I opened my eyes and watched as my
mother sat down in a lounge chair beside me.
She sat back, sighed deeply and closed her eyes. I knew she was tired from work.
She was a cashier at a local grocery store and had to stand on her feet for over
eight hours. My father made enough to support us, but she enjoyed her job. She
knew almost everyone in town, and her customers often turned to her for advice
as they stood in her line. My mother was probably about the closest thing to the
National Enquirer when it involved what was happening in our town. She was
usually the first person to know when someone was having a new baby or a couple
was getting a divorce.
I looked over at her as she lay with her eyes closed. “Tired?”
“Long day,” she muttered softly. “How about you?”
“I’m good,” I replied. She sat up and looked at me.
“Of course,” I said as I looked over at her. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
She studied me closely before lying back down. “I don’t know,” she replied. “You’ve
been very quiet the past couple of days, like something is on your mind.” She
turned her head toward me. “Want to talk about it?”
“Naw,” I replied. “Like I said, I’m good.”
I really did want to talk, but just not to my mother- at least not yet. So much was
swirling around inside my head. Talking to someone would help me figure out what
was going on. My only problem, I didn’t know who to talk to.
I couldn’t talk to my best friend. Kenny would never understand. I’d heard him
make so many homophobic remarks over the years. His first reaction would be to
think I was joking. Then when he realized I was being truthful, he’d probably get
upset. After that, it’s hard to say what he would do.
I didn’t want to talk to Mom or Dad. I wanted to be sure that what I was feeling
was real. For all I knew, it could just be something every guy or girl goes through.
Maybe everyone has a ‘gay stage’ where they question themselves. I’d never heard
anyone talk about it, but then again, it’s not exactly something you’d discuss over
lunch in the cafeteria.
“Hey, Gang. I think I may be gay.”
“Forget it, it’s just a phase. You’ll be back to being straight in a week or two.”
“Whew. For a minute there, I was worried.”
Too bad real life isn’t like that. No, what I’m feeling isn’t going to go away in a
week or two. My only problem is I can’t figure out why I’m feeling this way. It’s like
it crept up on me in the dark. I always thought a gay guy always felt gay; like he
started playing with another guy’s dick when he was ten or so. In health class, the
teacher said studies indicated people were born gay. Then why didn’t I think of
sucking Kenny’s cock when we were little? We used to jack off all the time
together, even before we could cum. Not once did I look down at his dick and want
it in my mouth. We touched and felt each other, just because we were curious
what another guy’s dick felt like, but we never went further than that. Neither of
us ever suggested it.
So can one guy make you change the way you are? Right now I don’t know what I
am. Maybe I was gay all along and it took Adrian to bring that to the surface.
Thinking back, having sex with Rachel didn’t interest me. Even when she jacked me
off and I fingered her, I felt dirty afterwards. Most guys would have gone back to
school and boasted that they fingered their girlfriend, but I felt ashamed.
I knew I had to find out. I didn’t want to be gay, so I needed to know if I was
straight. Was I capable of performing with a girl? If I could, then I wouldn’t be gay,
One thing was certain, I didn’t want to see if I was gay first. The only guy who had
aroused my interest was Adrian. Any thought of him would make my cock harden.
Billy had caught me masturbating thinking about him. The past couple of days I’d
even been looking at guys at school. I wanted to know if any other guys had a
similar effect on me.
I noticed myself looking down at guy’s crotches as they passed by me in the hall.
Shawn Stevens, an openly gay student, saw me looking at him and winked at me
as I passed. As my face flushed with embarrassment, I could hear him giggling
when he walked away.
Then I did bone up in government class when I looked over and saw Drew Persons
stick his hand inside his pants and rearrange his cock. It was obvious he had an
erection. He kept pushing it down with his elbow. Drew is an extremely handsome
blonde. He’s boasted to having sex with over ten girls in our senior class. A couple
of weeks ago two girls got suspended for fighting over him. From the bulge
protruding from his shorts, it was obvious why they fought.
Until a few days ago I would never have noticed Drew’s erection. But when I saw it
in class yesterday, I couldn’t keep my eyes off it. I was hard as a brick when the
bell rang, and I had to carry my book bag in front of me so people couldn’t see my
erect cock poking through the thin material of my athletic shorts.
I had to find someone to talk to about all these feelings. I also had to find out if I
was gay. As I sat beside my mother who had now fallen asleep in her chaise
lounge, I began to come up with a plan. I knew it was wrong as I thought about it,
but I felt it was something I had to do. I needed to know.
Kenny, Alise, Rachel and I had made plans to go to a movie tomorrow. Rachel
called me earlier and said her parents were going to a golf banquet in the evening.
She wanted me to pick her up before they left at seven. I knew from previous
banquets that they wouldn’t be home until well after midnight.
I was going to call her in the morning and see if she wanted to go to dinner, just
the two of us. I’d suggest that we could rent a movie and go back to her house
and watch it alone. I’m sure she’d go along with it, even be excited by my
According to Kenny, who heard it from Alise, Rachel was ready to have sex with
me. She’d been ready for months. She was just waiting for me to make my move.
Alise had been telling her how exciting sex was with her and Kenny and she
wanted to experience sex with me before we left for college. She wanted me to be
her first since we had been dating for a couple of years.
The only reason I hadn’t had sex with her was because I really didn’t feel I loved
her. I cared about her and I enjoyed being with her, but I didn’t know if it would be
deceitful to take her virginity when I didn’t love her. It should be by someone who
loved her more than I did.
But now things had changed. I needed to prove to myself that I could perform
sexually with a girl, and Rachel was a willing partner. We had almost come to the
brink of sex, but I had refused to take it further. She had even asked me to fuck
her one night when she had my pants open and was stroking my cock. And I
almost did. I think I would have if I had had a condom. Tomorrow night I’d be
prepared. Tomorrow night I would prove I wasn’t gay, and then all the confusing
thoughts running through my mind would end.
They would end, right?
When my mother started snoring lightly, I called out her name. She woke up with a
start. “Better go to bed,” I said. She nodded her head, got up and ambled into the
house. I soon followed her.
My brother was in his bed, buried under his covers. Lonnie must have left while I
was out on the patio. I looked at the clock on my monitor. It was a little after ten.
After watching a few videos on Youtube, I decided to go to bed as well. Tomorrow
was a big day.
I undressed and crawled into bed. As I was getting comfortable, Billy sat up and
looked over at me.
“Zac?” He whispered.
“Nothing,” he replied. “Just thanks for being my big brother.”
“Sure thing.” I smiled at him, but I wasn’t sure if he could see me in the dark. “Now
go to sleep.” He lay back down as I rolled over on my side and tried to go to sleep.
Unfortunately, sleep didn’t come easily. I was consumed with guilt for what I had
planned with Rachel.
Chapter 4 Return to TMJ